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This Week in Sex   
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August 24, 2001

Good Thing He’s Not a Cardiologist



Some guys are just handy. They’re the ones who turn into weekend electricians when the wiring goes bad, or who become part-time auto mechanics when the fan belt needs replacing. Or, in the case of Dr. Jonathan Heatley, they become amateur plumbers when the need, er, arises.


    

Actually, he’s not really an amateur — as a general practitioner based in West Sussex, England, the forty-five-year-old doctor has made a living for years by fixing people’s plumbing, among other tasks. Still, if a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client, what does that mean for a doctor who anaesthetizes himself, then performs delicate surgery on his own genitals? Because that’s precisely what Heatley did — the doctor and father of three decided this week that he’d had enough kids, so after performing a few vasectomies at his Horsham health clinic, he turned to his nurse and said, “Right then, let’s do me now” — and lest you think we’re speaking figuratively, that’s a direct quote from the Daily Mail. According to the report, Heatley gave himself a local anaesthetic and made an incision in his scrotum, sealing the sperm-carrying tubes as his wife and a nurse stood by. “I hardly felt a thing, but it made me sweat a bit,” said Heatley, who reportedly retired to his garden to read a book after the surgery. “My only worry was making sure I was properly numb while I carried out the operation.” We’re thinking he may have been quite improperly numb when he dreamed up the plan in the first place.



Job Cuts Hit the Heartland



Of course, for every positive force, there’s a dark side. Hey, everyone loves them Bush twins, but you can’t have them around without getting their dad in the package too. Likewise, doctors who perform vasectomies on themselves are fun, but for every John Heatley, Chipper Self-Snipper, there’s an Eduardo Velez Alejos, Maudlin Self-Maimer. Sigh. Oh, Eduardo.


    

For those who’ve never heard of the guy, here are the basics: last year, the thirty-six-year-old Peruvian laborer sliced off his penis in a bizarre public protest over not having a job. Though some employers might shy away from such behavior, apparently Velez’s spunk impressed someone, and pretty soon he was gainfully employed (after doctors successfully re-attached his little laborer, that is). Unfortunately, Velez’s employment wasn’t gainful enough, so according to the El Comercio newspaper, he hacked off his left testicle this week on the steps of the nation’s parliament to protest his inadequate wages. According to the report, Velez asked guards outside the parliament building in Lima if he could speak to President Carlos Ferrero Costa about his problem. When they refused, the worker reportedly pulled out a knife and, well, carved out a Lima bean of his own, as it were. “I’m doing this all to protest at my terrible situation,” Velez told the doctors who tried — but failed — to reattach the testicle. No doubt a raise is in order.



Hard Times for Turkish Royalty



Oh, hell, let’s make it an all-genital surgery edition. We’ll call it Knives to ‘Nads Week.


    

Some people watch Wall Street to monitor the health of the economy; others focus on the employment numbers (Eduardo Velez Alejos, for example). But in Turkey, they have a whole other economic indicator: circumcisions.


    

According to an Associated Press report, Turkey’s economic woes have cut into business at Istanbul’s lavish Circumcision Palace, a “sprawling” venue where locals have taken their sons for the past quarter-century to celebrate one of Islam’s most important life events. Palace owner and celebrity circumciser Kemal Ozkan — dubbed the “King of Circumcision” by Turkey’s media (and let’s face it, there are worse titles to be had) — told the news service that he expects this year to perform only half the three thousand circumcisions he did last year, as wealthy Turkish families put off the expensive rite of passage until times get a little fatter. “Rich people are afraid of . . . showing off during the economic crisis,” said Ozkan, who has reportedly performed more than a hundred thousand circumcisions, including some on horseback, on camels, and in airplanes. “I haven’t seen this in twenty-five years.” According to the report, most Turkish boys are clipped between the ages of five and eleven, but some put off the event until they’re drafted into the Turkish military, which performs the operation for free. (Ozkan charges the equivalent of $450 — two months’ pay for the average Turkish civil servant — though that includes a swanky party at the Palace.) Still, Ozkan didn’t become the King of Circumcisions by worrying about life’s little nicks and cuts. Pointing to his country’s high birth rate — and pointing out a group of teenage girls dining in his restaurant (on shish kebab, natch) — Ozkan assured the AP that the Circumcision Palace would survive the crisis. “Look,” he said, speculating on the girls’ reproductive potential. “Fourteen children waiting for me.”



Quote of the Week



“I’m not seeking money. I’m just asking her to change the name of her magazine. I just want sole ownership of my magazine’s name.”


Ronald Brockmeyer, publisher of the German fetish magazine O, on his ongoing efforts to wrench his copyright back from media giant and fellow O publisher Oprah Winfrey, as quoted in the New York Post.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.