This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Fowl Play

Up until the 1999 release of the cinematic milestone American Pie, sexual intercourse with foodstuffs remained somewhere in the back and slightly to the left of the nation’s psyche. Humping an apple pie seemed a ridiculous manifestation of hormone-addled sexual frustration. With apple pie being just about as American as, uh . . . apple pie, one has to wonder what national delicacies horndogs in other lands employ to scratch their itch. Well, consider your curiosity rewarded: This week, a stupefied wife in the United Kingdom has filed for divorce after catching her husband balls-deep in a frozen chicken. Forty-seven-year-old Jean Curtis, claims her ex-military policeman hubby, Ian Curtis, was clad in a blouse and rubber stockings as he lay on the sofa with the bird. Heartbroken Jean told cackling reporters: “My jaw just dropped. I said, ‘You dirty bastard, that’s my Sunday lunch’. He was as calm as you like and said, ‘It’s all right – we can still eat it’. I kicked him out.” The much beleaguered wife cited other examples of her master-basting husband’s unreasonable behavior: begging her to romp with other women for homemade blue movies, blowing their benefit money on saucy lingerie — for himself — and preventing her from watching her favorite soap opera by smashing up their TV. Curtis, surrounded by reporters outside his new apartment, emphatically denied his wife’s claims, branding them “bullshit, fucking bullshit.” Upon hearing about the sexually rapacious husband fucking a chilly bird on the local news, thousands of British couples snuck glances at one another and quietly got drunker.

Coaxed Pokes Help Stroked Blokes

Two old ladies sitting on a park bench were stunned when a nude man sporting an erection ran past. One of the elderly women had a stroke. The other couldn’t reach. Ba-dum-ching! But seriously (kind of), should one suffer a stroke from the sight of an unbridled woody — or anything else for that matter — some specialists are suggesting that a bit of the nasty might be just what the doctor ordered. Quacks in the Philippines say that, rather than being too stressful, sex is good for the brain and the heart. Cardiologist Dr. Dante Morales confirms that if a patient is strong enough to walk then, by Christ, he’s strong enough to fawk. But the saucy doctor warns patients to stick to their wives, because “torrid sex” with a mistress, combined with the fear of being caught, could cause stress on the heart and lead to another stroke. Another reason for stroke victims to take heed of the warning regarding curative mistresses: there’s no amount of sex that will help you convalesce from a well-aimed frying pan to the noggin.

Sperm Learn, Turn

As long as we’re rocking the male stereotypes in this edition of TWIS, we should trot out another one: men refuse to ask for directions. This is doubly true if guys think they’ve been somewhere before. Instead of pulling over and asking a cheery local, they’re much more inclined to opt for a laborious trial-and-error system to get to their destination — so is it any surprise that a gentleman’s sperm demonstrate the same behavior? A Swiss scientist, tired of seeing his sperm get lost on the way to the hanky, ran teams of “ladpoles” through a microscopic maze to see whether they could get it right. (This is otherwise known as ‘cumpass’ theory.)
Brugger found that after repeated runs through the maze, the majority of sperm were able to memorize the correct path to the exit. Dr. Brugger cooly smirked at the suggestion that the sperm that couldn’t find their way grew up to be New York City cabbies.

Man on Stakeout Discovers Man in Steak

Shrug once if the idea of octogenarians having sex makes you a wee bit uncomfortable. Shrug again if the idea of having sex with unwitting animals disturbs you. Now, put the two together. That’s what a jury in Westmoreland County, Virginia was forced to view over and over again when presented with footage of an
eighty-one-year-old assaulting cows while wearing little more than a shirt, shoes and a smile. For throwing his one-eyed snake in the ribeye steak, Balderson was given a suspended sentence and two years’ probation. County Attorney Peggy Garland
complained that finding an appropriate punishment was challenging. “What do you do with an eightysomething-year-old man who would do something like
this?” How about finding him something equally slow-moving, leathery, and pestered by flies to party with? Say, doesn’t Elizabeth Dole live near there?

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