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This Week in Sex   
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September 1, 2000


Nice Stroke, Boys!



Nobody knows yet where the 2024 Summer Olympics will be held, but that’s not stopping a bunch of swimmers in Linz, Austria, from getting an early start on the competition. And we mean early.


    

In an attempt to challenge prevailing stereotypes about sexual virility, the organizers of the Ars Electronica arts festival in Linz are holding sperm races as part of this year’s event. According to Wired News, the races, which are open to all, er, comers, will make use of a CASA, or Computer Assisted Sperm Analyzer, set up in Linz’s town square. Gerfried Stocker, the festival’s director, explained that the CASA measures “the quality of sperm, the density, the mobility, the speed and the pH value.” Participants, who may remain anonymous if they wish, will nonetheless be asked to provide a series of personal details, including education, physical characteristics and even automobile of choice; the women of Linz are then invited to bet on the winner. Said Stocker, “By
looking at these questionnaires, the women can say who they think is the most sexually powerful male, who has the fastest sperm, and every evening we have the sperm race. The person who wins can stay anonymous, or maybe reveal himself and become the big darling of everyone here.” Of course,
even the losers don’t go home, uh, empty-handed. Every contestant gets “nice photos of your sperm racing,” Stocker said, “blown up a thousand times.”



Standards Barer



Standards boards can be so fickle.


    

Such is the lesson learned by British adult video store owner Nick Griffin, who was charged with fifteen violations by York trading standards officers this week for selling sex videos that were just not sexy enough for the standards chiefs’ tastes. According to a report in The Sun, Griffin was busted after customers complained that he was selling cheesy ’70s sex comedies under the banner of hardcore porn — and charging way too much for it, to boot. Griffin reportedly priced several movies, including Talk Naughty to Me, Confessions of a Sex Maniac and
Secrets of a Sensuous Nurse, at thirty-five pounds (roughly fifty bucks) apiece — each of them allegedly discounted from sixty. Officials, meanwhile, placed the videos’ value at closer to five pounds. Griffin was charged with twelve counts of fraud for putting a hardcore label on softcore videos. Ironically, the supposedly too-tame storekeeper was also charged with running a sex shop without a proper license.


    

Perhaps the duped customers should have known something was up: Secrets of a Sensuous Nurse, for one, stars Bond girl Ursula Andress and the decidedly un-hardcore Jack Palance.



To Honor, Love and Keep Your Pants On



She’s a wealthy fashionista who’s got a thing for the pool boy. He’s a gadget freak — with the same weakness. So what do you get the couple that has everything . . . everything, that is, except for a trusting relationship? The answer to that question, coming soon to a catalog near you: matching his-and-hers chastity belts!


    

Well, to be precise, they’re “chastity timers,” and they’re the brainchild of Italian lawyer-turned-sexologist Giuseppe Cirillo. According to a report in the London Guardian, the small electronic devices attach to the elastic band in a regular pair of men’s or women’s underpants and measure how often — and for how long — the garments are removed. Cirillo,
who runs a Rome-based school on courtship and seduction, says the gadget — a little bigger than a pager — will restore trust and love to damaged relationships. “Couples who want to demonstrate their fidelity will wear it,” says Cirillo, who explains that, “if it says the boxer shorts were off for twenty minutes or an hour, then there is no excuse.” The inventor, known to his students as Dr. Seduction, says future versions will sound an alarm on the partner’s cell phone if the mechanism remains open for more than five minutes. And marriage counselors the world over prepare for unemployment.



Quote of the Week



“Here I am, seventy years old, and the girls — eighteen, nineteen and twenty
years old — are going nuts, jumping up and down and screaming. It was
better than Viagra. Not that I’ve tried Viagra.”




— Aging crooner Andy Williams, on a recent British concert.
Sure, Andy.









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©2000 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.