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Weekend Review
Girl-Woman Hybrid at Sexual Crossroads

As any Hollywood publicist will tell you, promoting the fact that your female client drinks from the furry cup can have wildly different outcomes.
It can work to her advantage (as in the case of Anne Heche, blonde pretender to Michael
Jackson’s weird crown), or it may lead to her utter professional
destruction (i.e. TV dumpling Rosie O’Donnell). This week, a “close friend” of
Britney Spears said — while juggling three cellphones and a pager — that
hardcore lesbian porn had become the pop singer’s newest passion. Rumor has it that Britney
is apparently so turned on by the genre that she struck up a close
friendship with porn diva Jenna Jameson. Not to be outdone, a jaded Christina Aguilera raised one eyebrow and suggested something lewd using only her forearm and a little circle she made with her fingers.

This Is Totally Nuts!

It’s really a pretty good trade: The West has given Japan baseball, Cheap Trick and Mickey Mouse. In return, the Japanese have given us high-quality electronic goods, the Power Rangers and, most notably, bukkake, a shadowy niche of the porn industry wherein a young woman drinks or has her face splattered with bovine quantities of semen. However, a new Japanese export is threatening to tip the balance: temakeri (or “ball-kicking” in English). As the name implies, during a temakeri flick, several guys are treated to a hefty punt in the family jewels as a precursor to sex. Tarzan Yagi, a former adult actor who turned to directing when he became impotent four years ago, says there’s no shortage of men eager to star in the movies: the only requirement is an ability to stand erect after being kicked in the plums. Yagi also notes that the movies are just as appealing to the women who star in them: “Most of the girls are actresses registered with employment agencies. Few of them get regular work. We know we’ll get them at their angry best, because aside from the fact that they’re hardly ever employed, they’re furious to learn that they’ve got to work in a temakeri video once the agency has finally found a job for them.”

Shock the Casbah

Strange times make for strange bedfellows, especially when the coil-spring calesthenics involve politics and pornography and France and Iran. This week, viewers of Iran’s Islamic News Network were shocked when a broadcast was interrupted by hardcore porn. Residents watching the daily news in Hamedan, a province renowned for its religious fanaticism, were treated to a surprise three-minute clip of extremely graphic sexual scenes. The distribution of porn in Iran is punishable by execution. Meanwhile, the French, Iran’s former landlords, have become a little prudish themselves, deciding to ban their usual Saturday night TV fare of no-holes-barred pornography. For years, few complained about le porno du Samedi soir, as the French cheerfully called it — until this summer. Broadcast porn debuted in 1984, when the Canal Plus network began showing X-rated films on the first Saturday of the month in an attempt to establish itself as a brash alternative to traditional fare. But regulators have had a sudden epiphany, claiming that televised porn could have a negative effect on the moral and mental well-being of French youth. Isn’t it Iranic that the French would find sex so terribly Gauling?

Latex & Boers Speed Safe Sex Chores

Invention, like sex, is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. Following this logic, it can be said that, during sex, the application of a Trojan-brand thinking cap prior to inspiration tends to put a damper on the mood. Studies show the average rubber tussle takes up to forty seconds (What? Does this include a visit to the pharmacy?), so there’s clearly room for improvement. Two impatient South African inventors now claim to have created a condom that can be applied in roughly three seconds. No, it doesn’t spray out of a can: It involves a bit of plastic that snaps the package open and and some unobtrusive hooks that speed the notoriously awkward pinch-and-roll. South Africa’s prestigious Bureau of Standards has cited co-inventors Willem van Rensburg and Roelph Mulder for service to the nation. The South African company Metropolitan AIDS funded the men’s research with the hope that a it might stanch the nation’s growing STI caseload. Further efforts to make safe sex less onerous include the one-word parental sex talk and religious strictures that can be ignored in a millisecond.



Additional research, puns, wordplay and double entendres supplied by Jim Jazwiecki.

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