September 7, 2001
Did Somebody Order a Full Thrust Forward?
For years, the official word from the United States’ space exploration agency has been that no man (or woman) has ever had sex in space at least not on Uncle Sam’s watch. But a new development suggests that, with space trips getting ever-longer and with space crews regularly co-ed, the boys down in Houston are allowing for the possibility that maybe just maybe there’s a little out-of-this-world nookie going on after all. According to SpaceRef.com, newly leaked documents reveal that home pregnancy tests have been included in the astronauts’ medical packs aboard the International Space Station, despite the fact that female astronauts take a pregnancy test before launch and are not allowed to fly if they’re pregnant. “There is a rather short list of ways whereby this specific condition can arise,” SpaceRef.com editor Keith Cowing points out. “NASA never discusses the possibility of sex in space, but it does not look like they’re worried about what an astronaut might have done with her husband the night before launch.” Of course, it’s worth noting that the space station’s current crew is all-male. Timing is everything, boys.
While NASA may be mum about sex in space, not so with the Mars Society. According to Ananova.com, the privately funded group has announced plans to send mice spinning into orbit in a tiny, low-gravity love-mobile for the express purpose of having 200-mile-high sex. The capsule, which will be designed to simulate conditions on Mars, will reportedly orbit the earth for two months in 2003 enough time for the space mice to reproduce and raise their offspring to adulthood. The capsule would then be brought back down to earth, where scientists would study the effects of low gravity on the young varmints’ development. Early anecdotal reports have swarms of mice scratching at the doors of Mars Society HQ.
They say that old buildings and old whores get respectable with age. If that’s the case, then the Fireflies motel is a natural.
According to Ananova.com, the Chilean brothel has been named a historic landmark by the mayor of La Florida, the town in which it operates. Housed in an impressive old colonial building, Fireflies reportedly rents rooms by the hour to prostitutes, as well as to couples who live with their parents and have nowhere else to go. But to Mayor Pablo Zalaquett, the sex motel had enough historical significance to merit listed building status, making it impossible for the brothel’s owners to make alterations without the town’s permission. Of course, Zalaquett recognizes that the listing might lead to some awkwardness on the city’s historic tours: “To be honest,” he says, “having a seedy motel operating in one of our most historic buildings is a little bit embarrassing.” Still, Zalaquett has high hopes for the future of Fireflies. “If at some point they would like to sell their hotel,” says the mayor, “I think it would make a fantastic cultural center.” Some would argue that it already does.
Alright, we’ve been over this before: just ’cause you’re old don’t mean you’re dead, and if you’ve still got it, well, then you oughta be able to use it. Still, does anyone really need to see you use it in the common room at grandma’s nursing home?
Not that that’s exactly what’s going on at the De Gamles Hus home for the aged in Copenhagen, but close. According to a report in Danish newspaper Extra Bladet, De Gamles and a few other nursing homes in and around Copenhagen have begun showing porn movies in the communal television areas of their facilities on Saturday nights, an apparent bow to the fact that many of the residents are still sexually active. “That way,” says the home’s manager, “older people’s sexual needs stop being a taboo.” But while the blue movies were specifically requested by a governing council of De Gamles residents, not all the Gamlers are quite so libertine. “When you have seen one porn movie you have seen them all,” says Anders Bjørn Hansen (whose middle name really does have an O with a line through it). Adds neighbor Ernst Nielsen, “My fantasies are better than the movies. A pretty thirty-to-forty-year-old who would come to see me once a week would be nice.” But alas, such a regular visitor is unlikely. “I hear they are expensive, 400-500 kroner (about seventy-five dollars),” Nielsen says. “I can’t afford that.” So much for budding romance.
Quotes of the Week
“For a decade, I got carrots sent to my table wherever I ate. Fast Times really stuck with people.”
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