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This Week in Sex   
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September 8, 2000



Thespians Beware



Let’s face it: there’s nothing like a little paranoid hysteria to bring
folks together in difficult times. And while persecuting witches and communists are
always fun, nothing gets the community-unifying blood pumping quite
like the good, old-fashioned threat of pedophilia.


    

But unfortunately for Welsh physician Yvette Cloete, that kind of community
spirit can, ever so rarely, manifest itself in ugly ways. Like, say,
last week, when a still-at-large vigilante attacked Cloete’s home,
spray-painting the word “paedo” (short for “paedophile,” the British
spelling of the word) on her front door and windows. Apparently responding
to England’s current obsession with sex offenders (prompted by the July
abduction and murder of eight-year-old Sarah Payne), police say the
vigilante mistook Cloete for a kid-loving pervert. According to the
Associated Press, the cops think the good doctor’s chosen profession may
have contributed to the confusion — she is a pediatrician. “Are they just so dull that they don’t realize the difference between the two?” asked police inspector Karl Close. A little
advice for the inspector: you’ve got to admit the two words are awfully
similar. Don’t be so huffy about a simple mix-up; it makes you look
pedantic. And these are dangerous times for pedants.



Criminal Genius



Lord knows a little stupidity can be a dangerous thing in the hands of the
wrong man. Likewise sexual frustration. But get the two of them
together, and look out — the results will not be pretty. And never
less pretty than in the unfortunate case of Cosmil Deliu.


    

Deliu, a Romanian thief just released from prison after serving a four-year
sentence, figured he’d celebrate his newfound freedom with a marathon night
of hot Romanian lovin’, according to the website Ananova.com. Having heard
nothing but good things about the wonders of petroleum jelly while behind
bars (exactly what he heard, we’re not sure), the
twenty-five-year-old picked up a jar on his way home and put it to use,
with less-than-satisfactory results. The problem? Apparently, no one in
prison mentioned that Vaseline works best as a topical ointment, and
poor Mr. Delieu injected his genitals six times with the jelly, causing his
penis to grow to about eight inches long and three-and-a-half inches wide.
So what, exactly, was so unsatisfactory about that, you ask? Well, nothing
— that is, until Deliu collapsed in pain, no doubt putting a crimp in
his evening’s plans. According to the Ananova report, Deliu remains in a
Romanian hospital while doctors try to figure out how to relieve his agony.



Service Industry Switcharoo



Ironically, it isn’t as though Deliu had to resort to penile
injections in order to attract Romanian sex partners. If only he’d picked
up a few basic housekeeping skills while in the clink . . .


    

According to a separate report from Ananova.com, the plummeting Romanian
economy has gotten so dire that prostitutes in Calimanesti are resorting to
the barter system to stay in business. Apparently, the going rate of 50,000
lei (about two bucks) for sex is too exorbitant for the area’s working men,
so many sex workers have agreed to accept household chores in lieu of cash.
Says prostitute Mariana Bade, twenty-three, “We give them sex once for the
dishes, on five occasions in return for decorating a room and if they do
the whole house they can have it whenever they want!”


    

The arrangement marks a notable shift in the Romanian sex economy. You’ll remember of course that, back
in June, we told you about a sales promotion of sorts whereby the country’s
prostitutes were offering housekeeping chores in addition to sex in
order to drum up business. Well, well — now who’s wearing the
French maid’s outfit?



Quotes of the Week



“Being a Jew I did one thing. I always fasted on Yom Kippur. And let me tell
you, it’s not easy to make love to Ava Gardner on an empty stomach.”




— Film legend Kirk Douglas in the London Telegraph. Boy,
tell us about it.





“We were in bunk beds. They couldn’t really see anything because I was
under the covers, but after I’d finished, they all applauded and cheered.
At least they kept quiet while I was doing it.”




— Former Beatle George Harrison, relating in the new Fab Four
bio The Beatles Anthology the story of how he lost his virginity in
the Hamburg room he shared with his bandmates.









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©2000 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.