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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“I love how Madonna works two of America’s most famous people to be her bitches.”

— Kelly Osbourne

“I’m hopelessly addicted to sex.”

— Demi Moore

Wheels of Misfortune

Everybody has their price, but usually that price is best expressed in the currency of their country of residence, not in car tires. This fairly simple concept was apparently lost on Gregory Wade Mulligan of Maysville, Georgia, just before he was arrested for solicitation of prostitution and pandering. On the day of Mulligan’s arrest, a twenty-five-year-old Athens woman decided against buying tires from Mulligan because they were too expensive. Once she left his store, Mulligan called her and offered to give her the tires for free, if she would meet him in a motel and have sex with him. Now, Mulligan committed several indiscretions here, but chief among them is that he expected this woman to have sex with him for only four tires. Seriously, the first thing a mother tells an eleven-year-old girl during The Talk is, “Darling, your reputation is a beautiful and fragile thing. Never have sex with anyone for anything less than seven tires.” Ask any woman about this. It’s so true. In any case, the story serves as a reminder that romance may well be dead but bartering is not. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Ben, Jen, etc.

To paraphrase Billy Idol, it was not, in fact, a good weekend for a white wedding. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have postponed official recognition of their unholy alliance, claiming that “excessive media attention” ruined the vibe. (Hmm… TWR seems to remember the release of Gigli was similiarly delayed for “re-editing.” Portent if you must.) Anyway, now that Bennifer has a weekend to spare, we’d like to suggest some things they can do instead.

Things Ben and Jen Can Do Instead of Getting Married Quite Yet

1) Their nails;

2) Each other’s nails;

3) Review their options to remake Casablanca, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and Cruising;

4) Arrange magazine spreads of Affleck chronologically to determine exactly when his jawline dissolved into his neck;

5) Track etymology of the word “canoodle;”

6) Work out with weights!

7) Write a letter to the editors of Utne Reader expressing concern that prominent displays of social conservatism in the homeland have helped equate American interventionism in Iraq with jihad in the minds of the Iraqi populace.

— Howard Beale

Newsreel

Madonna launches children’s book with public teabagging.

Man sets fires to avoid sex with wife, receives sentence.

Church used as porn film location; weddings invalidated.

The Muse

There are many reasons not to date a musician, despite their almost infinite appeal. One, they’ll be on the road a lot. Two, on the neurosis rainbow, they tend toward the self-absorbed-depressive-alcoholic range. Three, you can turn up in their songs in less-than-flattering terms, especially if things do not work out. Likewise, there are many reasons not to date serial gropers. Serial groper-musicians, then, must set new standards for the term “not relationship material.” One such unfortunate is Michael Clay Woods, of Jackson, Mississippi, who was arrested this week for fondling at least seven “full-figured” women. Found in his possession was a diary that detailed the assaults, including dates, times and locations. Furthermore, he was apparently using these incidents as inspiration for song lyrics, which were also found in the diary. If this sounds like an unlikely road to critical acclaim, it’s really not: It’s a widely recognized fact that Elliot Smith uses the exact same songwriting process. – Carrie Hill Wilner

More Buck for Your Bang

Raising a child in the United States is a costly business. On average, the price tag on keeping a kid fed and watered is around $250,000. Then he or she is eighteen and gets to spend much more of someone else’s money. What are you going to see for your investment? For the first few years, shit, drool and vomit, then some unrealistic paintings of your family and pets, then possibly cologne and socks if they manage to stop sniffing glue long enough to remember your birthday. Hardly seems worth it. So it’s only right that pregnant women can now use their bodies to earn advertising dollars.

On Tuesday, the first mobile advertisement appeared on the streets of London in the rotund shape of mum-to-be Zoe Ellis, who pocketed £400 by walking around the capital with an ad painted on her pregnant belly. Toy manufacturer Tomy rented the twenty-eight-year-old’s bump for the day to promote its latest product, MicroBabies. “I think this is a really fun idea and an extraordinary way to use my tummy,” chuckled the mercenary mum-to-be. (We hope that a micro-baby isn’t what you end up with after having a fresco painted on your belly. Here’s hoping it’s a vegetable-based dye.)

The company hopes to cash in on trend of celebrity moms showing off their bumps. They plan to enlist 100 opportunistic preggos in the coming weeks. This got us thinking about other underutilized body parts that could serve as outlets for targeted marketing. How about iodine ads on bulging goiters? Ads for a citrus farm on a man with advanced scurvy? — Grant Stoddard

Slash and Burn

In Carrie’s words, Jude Law is “super hot.” He is also one of the few celebrities that both Carrie and Mrs. Wilner can agree upon as being “dreamy.” Well, TWR recklessly speculates that the talented Mr. Law has a crush of his own — on the world’s biggest soccer hero and all-round golden boy, David Beckham. The actor, filming the remake of cult movie Alfie in Manchester, told reporters he was going to try to make it to England’s European Championship qualifier last Wednesday night. Said Jude: “I like Beckham. I think he’s a great player.” He then admitted wanting to have a post-game “pint” with Becks, inadvertently leaving the ambiguity door flung wide open. (“Pint of what?” slash-fiction writers asked en masse, as narrative possiblities involving Britain’s two hottest blokes sprang from mind to blog.) Thickening the plot: news that Jude is having his “Sexy Sadie” tattoo removed after his split with actress wife Sadie Frost. Just like Johnny Depp had his “Winona Forever” tattoo altered to read “Wino Forever” when he split from the light-fingered Ryder, Law could fashion “Ex Die.” — Grant Stoddard

About The Weekend Review

The Weekend Review is Nerve’s sociopoliticoanthropological roundup of news about sex, relationships, gender and whatever else we find interesting. We are glad that it’s fall, because everyone we know went crazy over the summer. Perhaps fall television and the ability to layer will restore some social order. Oh, and did anyone TiVo that Whoopi Goldberg freak show, ’cause we missed it. Jake 2.0 isn’t bad, though; it reminds TWR of our pleasurable childhood Greatest American Hero fantasies. Screw Christian Bale in Batman, we want to watch Orlando Bloom crash into a fucking billboard ASAP.

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