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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“When you are said to be the fuck of the century it’s a matter of course that every woman is disappointed after the first night with you.” — Mick Jagger

“Basically, I’m gay, except for the sex-with-men part.”— Alec Baldwin

Image of the Week

The obviously very troubled Alison Smith (r.) serves as bridesmaid at the wedding of her ex-husband and her mother. Two years ago, Alison found then-husband George Greenhowe in bed with Mom — ten days after their wedding! No hard feelings, apparently: “I may have lost a husband but I’ve gained a father,” says Alison today.

Eye of the Beholder

It sucks to be Wal-Mart this week. Just when the discount chain thought it had delivered its customers from evil — covering up women’s magazines at the checkout counter, banning Maxim because of its “racy,” cyborgian photo spreads — Playboy had to go and fuck everything up. This week, the magazine issued a press release inviting “Wal-Mart’s sexiest assets … to roll back their clothes and pose nude!”

Yes, in the spirit of Playboy‘s successful “Woman of Enron” and “Woman of Starbucks” theme issues, Hef has extended a scaly claw into the heartland. Voila! The Women of Wal-Mart. Predictably, the retailer is less-than-pleased with the news. “This is not a ballpark that Wal-Mart wants to play in,” said spokesperson Tom Williams in an effective, heartland-friendly sports metaphor.

Considering that Penthouse recently collapsed like Calista Flockhart in a light drizzle, we can’t blame Hef for taking it to the people. Possible future issues:

– The Women of the New Jersey Turnpike

– The Women of a High School Cafeteria

– The Women of Applebee’s

– The Women of the Atkins Diet

– The Women of Kinko’s

— Grant Stoddard

Beer Before Liquor…

In bad news for sorority girls, toothless old ladies and me, a study conducted by the University of Missouri has determined that women suffer worse hangovers than men. The study assessed thirteen symptoms of hangover, including headache, dehydration, nausea and trembling, but omitting missing shoes, profound humiliation, and oh-my-God-will-someone-please-crush-my-head-with-an-anvil-and-end-this. Women presumably experience rougher hangovers because their bodies contain less water. Because of this, however, they are compensated for their suffering with faster intoxication the next evening. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Didgeridon’t

Almost every week, TWR reports that someone’s genitalia has been removed, mutilated or otherwise compromised. Typically, a jilted lover or sexual rival is involved. But this week in Coober Pedy, Australia, a penis lost its owner, not the other way around.* Local police have launched a major investigation after discovering a human penis. Spokesperson Mick Abbott says the remains were found by a local in a dam, on a property thirty kilometers south of the town of Marla. He says police will now search missing-persons records to locate the body. If the owner isn’t already dead, he’ll probably appreciate the ensuing media quips about losing something important down under. — Grant Stoddard

* – At least a person who has been dismembered can scream something about the events preceding the assault. A dismembered penis just sort of sits there. It makes things difficult.

Newsreel

– Oklahoma town changes name from Agra to Viagra, but can’t do anything about being in Oklahoma.

– China’s booming economy leads to fewer children wearing crotchless pants.

– Automatic video vending machines in Oslo offer porn.

– Student complains about arousing cross dressers on campus.

Why Doesn’t “Parisian” Mean “Things Paris Hilton Says”? It Should.

Proving herself a consummate master of irony, Paris Hilton recently told Seventeen magazine, “I tell (younger sister) Nicky, with guys, they’re only gonna want what they can’t have. No one wants ______. Everyone wants _______. Guys don’t want the girl who’s been around the block.”

Fill in the blanks! Did she mean:

A) a tyrant dominated by the appetitive portion of his soul / the perfect rule of a benevolent philosopher-king;

B) the beaten-up Prada purse on Canal Street / the brand new colorful Louis Vuitton that no one can get;

C) Heavier Things by John Mayer / the BBC Transcription Service LP of The Cure Live

D) herpes / a pony;

(The correct answer is B.)

— Carrie Hill Wilner

About TWR

The Weekend Review is Nerve’s roundup of sex, relationships and culture news, and whatever else we find interesting.

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