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Unsafe at Any Speed

Not since the release of the Sex Pistols “Anarchy in the UK” has a single seven-inch been considered so dangerous. Cheeky British sex toy retailer Ann Summers is recalling 150,000 “Rampant Rabbit” vibrators — a version of the Rabbit Habit made famous in the States by Sex and the City — for fear that spending a night in with the toy may result in pain, not pleasure. One of the shop’s most popular and more expensive models (about $70), the Rabbit features “sensual beads” that swirl around inside the shaft for vaginal stimulation. But one middle-aged customer got more than she bargained for at that crucial moment when the latex covering on the base suddenly split and the beads escaped farther up her rabbit hole. The woman wasn’t hurt, just hopping mad: she had to spend the better part of the afternoon retrieving the runaway parts. As a precaution, Ann Summers is recalling a batch of Rampant Rabbits sold between May and September of this year by running ads in newspapers and offering free quality replacements. If all owners respond, the company will lose almost seven million dollars. Marketing boss Rebecca Franklin said: “There are hundreds of thousands in use. We think there is only a potential risk, but we are taking no chances in such a sensitive area.”

The Emperor’s Nude Hose

During the brisker months in Canada, venturing outside wrapped in less than a dozen layers of clothing is tantamount to suicide. Why, just last year a man in Saskatchewan grabbed national headlines when the flame from his lighter froze. And this past February, an Alberta gent graphically illustrated the sub-zero temperatures by actually using his goose-pimpled scrotum as a cheese grater. That’s why when the opportunity to strip off in the great white north presents itself, it is tightly clutched with both hands. This week, a group of guys known as TNT!MEN (Totally Naked Toronto Men Enjoying Nudity) marched in the city’s annual gay pride festival wearing only footwear, sunscreen and come-hither smiles. But before frost bite could set in, they were arrested and charged with violating Canada’s criminal code. The au natural defendants’ lawyer Peter Simm — a TNT!MEN member himself — told the court, “The law is very straightforward if someone is absolutely and completely bereft of clothing…However, things become a little more complicated if there is a scrap of apparel anywhere on the body.” Simm also told a chuckling jury that besides the pure fun involved in baring their Canadian bacon, the men were addressing issues of body fascism. Ultimately, prosecutors conceded there was no reasonable prospect of a conviction and dropped the charges. Getting cocky, Simm said, “Because everyone wore at least footwear, the Crown had to prove indecency, and it couldn’t.” In preparation for next year’s parade, Ontario lawmakers are working to close these legal loopholes for fear of what might poke through them.

Pasties, Plaster and Perverts

Speaking of poking through, police in Seattle charged a young man with acting out a teen sex comedy plot contrivance — which should be an arrestable offense if it isn’t already. According to the Seattle Stranger, naked and half-naked dancers at a local strip club heard strange sounds coming from their dressing room ceiling. Suddenly, ceiling tiles snapped and crumbled, revealing a leg, then another leg, and then a young man with his hands on the now-exposed ductwork. Unfortunately, it was his own ductwork, which offered little in the way of support; he fell to the ground and was quickly apprehended by club security. In spite of claims that he was just planning to fix a hole up there, eighteen-year-old “V.” was made to sit on a little metal chair in a big concrete prison until his mother came to get him. Meanwhile, the strippers involved were stuck trying to decide whether to perform to “Dancing with Myself” or “Dancing on the Ceiling,” or some combination of the two, or maybe nothing by Billy Idol or Lionel Ritchie at all, ever.

K├╝terpluggen

The Germans are a sexy, sexy people. The evidence: You can hardly order a meal in the fatherland without being given a penis substitute, sex shops selling scheisse movies dot the high streets, and David Hasselhoff remains a major heartthrob between the Elbe and the Rhine. Then there’s the language; because the merest pleasantry sounds like an order from a dominatrix, the Germans’ no-nonsense vocabulary is really something. “Nipple” is brustwarte or “breast wart,” while what we call “diarrhea” is known as durchfall, quite simply “fall through.” It comes as quite a surprise, then, that for a nation so frank about the mechanics of sex, one in five Deutsch teens believes tampons are a form of contraception. More than 500 youngsters aged twelve to sixteen were questioned about their sexual knowledge in a study by the Munich Institute for Youth Research. Results released this week showed that eight percent of teens didn’t know how the pill worked: some believed it was swallowed monthly, others believed it worked if taken just before sex. German researchers think the problem is that teenagers don’t like to get their sex tips from professionals. Only fifteen percent of those questioned said they would ask their doctor for advice; the rest relied mainly on their mothers or peers. But the most surprising finding of all? Despite the teens’ ignorance of der birds und der bees, the country has one of the lowest teen pregnancy rates in Europe.






Additional research, puns, wordplay and double entendres supplied by Jim Jazwiecki.

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