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Piquant Peeking Piques Peeps

Know that tasteless old joke about the ladies’ man with the shiny patent leather shoes? He’s dancing with his date, a slow, close number, and he whispers into her ear. “Please … tell me you aren’t wearing any underwear.” She blushes, looks down at her dress and whispers back, “No.” The man lets out a sigh of relief and goes, “Thank goodness. I thought I had ripped my shoes.” Recently, the Washington State Supreme Court ruled on a case involving that same immature form of voyeurism, “upskirt” porno. Apprehended for supposedly trying to pick a woman’s purse two years ago, Richard Sorrells tried to escape the relatively light charge of attempted theft by exclaiming, “I’m not a thief; I’m a Peeping Tom. I was videotaping up little girls’ dresses.” Ooops! Twenty-four months, one kiddie rape charge, and a couple of dockets later, the state Supreme Court finally decided that upskirt peeping is disgusting, reprehensible … and legal. According to Justice Bobbe Bridge, one of four women on the bench, “The voyeurism statute, as written, does not prohibit upskirt photography in a public place.” Apparently, the existing voyeurism laws only cover private places like bathrooms. Goodbye, privacy. Hello, privates.

Open Wide and Say ”Ohhh”

In the United States, scrimping on medical insurance can leave you owing a figure that resembles a telephone number, heaven forfend you fall ill. On the other side of the pond, the British National Health Service (N.H.S.) has been offering free health care to exceptionally pale and weakly Brits since 1948. It’s sort of like an indulgent elder that doesn’t move very quickly but is always there for you when you’re down. Now, how would you react if one of your beloved elders tried to ease your ills with a free sex toy? Right. Well, the National Health is doing just that: women suffering sexual problems ranging from a general lack of desire to severe genital deformity are now being prescribed vibrators on the N.H.S.’s tab to help them feel good. “Almost half of all women suffer from a sexual dysfunction, and sex shops and their accoutrements could be a vital part of their therapy,” said Dr. David Goldmeier of London’s St. Mary’s Hospital. This idea of using the ol’ clam digger for one’s health is not as new as naysayers may say, either — the earliest vibrators were developed by doctors for the treatment of “nervous disorders” back in 1883. “Take two d-cells and call me in the morning,” said no one in particular. “No, wait, first check with the National Health Cervix!” In response, Dr. Goldmeier said, “Neither sex toys nor these shops are snigger-worthy at all.” By way of explanation, he added, “Sex toys stimulate areas that nothing else can reach.” Take that, British manhood!

Flying in Seat 36DD

Whatever else you think about the Hooters chain of restaurants, you have to admit they’ve fought the good fight against gravity. Robert H. Brooks, chairman of the restaurant chain, even led a group of investors in an attempted takeover of the bankrupt American carrier Vanguard Airlines recently. But during a U.S. Bankruptcy Court hearing last week, Vanguard attorney Daniel Flanigan called Brooks’ offer inadequate and effectively shot down the chain’s dreams of flight, despite of their abundance of wings. Hooters has not disclosed the terms of its bid, but court filings indicate that the defunct airline is worth as much as $4.6 million, or about 418 breast implants. Vanguard CFO David A. Rescino said that no further offers had been tendered, although he was “always hopeful” that someone else would help Vanguard achieve a more locked and upright financial position. The marketing rationale for “Hooters Air” is not entirely clear, as the chain doesn’t exactly appeal to smooth, well-traveled international playboys. On the other hand, their staff comes equipped with flotation devices. On balance, the idea of Hooters Air has met with a relatively cool reception. Perhaps if they padded their offer? Fleshed it out a little bit?

Killing One Stone with Two Birds

Usually, genital dismemberment signals the end of a tumultuous relationship. But in a case reported earlier this week, it was the beginning of a beautiful new chapter in one couple’s love story. Tennessee resident Aretha O’Neal pleaded guilty to using her fingernails to rip off the testicle of one Dennis Ross, after she found out her boyfriend/victim had slept with another woman last year. As the story goes, the slightly asymmetrical Mr. Ross then took the testicle to the local hospital in Nashville, where it was successfully re-attached. To the amazement of all rational friends and family, Ross continued to live with O’Neal after the incident, and recently announced their engagement to one local rag. ”[Ah] love that [thar] girl,” Mr. Ross said tearfully with a mouth full of chaw. ”That’s my heart, my soul, and that’s my better half. I told [y’all] the other day I’m not prosecuting her [no-how].” In spite of his pleas, the Davidson County district attorney’s office still decided to bring the case to court. O’Neal’s now serving her sentence of eighty one days in the slammer, and will be eligible for early release if she completes an anger management program. Leather-clad lawyers for This Week in Sex, never ones to let a solid legal precedent get in the way of a good joke, decided that Ms. O’Neal should be released immediately. After all, this whole mess already broke up one great pair…



Research, puns, wordplay and double entendres supplied by Jim Jazwiecki.

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