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This Week in Sex   
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October 12, 2001

Here’s Two Cows, ‘Cause I Ain’t Finished



It’s good to be the king. Just last week we told you about Swazi King Mswati III and his new edict outlawing sex for the next five years for all girls under the age of eighteen — and for unmarried women over eighteen — ostensibly under the aegis of the fight against AIDS. We also told you that the king has seven wives and a fiancée, which ought to make the next half-decade considerably less trying for His Royal Chastity Advocate. Yeah well, what we didn’t tell you last week — what we didn’t know last week — is that the king has now taken a new fiancée. How new? Seventeen years new.


    

That’s right: according to the Independent Online, King M’s newest little lady is quite little indeed — young Nontsetselelo Magongo is still required by law to wear the blue-and-yellow woolen “don’t touch me” tassels required of maidens under eighteen. (Still no word on where, exactly, those tassels are worn.) Now the Swazi media production company Africa on Screen is calling for Swaziland’s Imabali YeMaswati (Flowers of the Nation, as the maidens are called) to defy the new law in protest — and they’re calling for the king to be fined a cow, as per the outlined consequences for unchastity.



Why Some Men Spend All Day in the Garage



For almost a hundred years now, people have been using their cars as makeshift boudoirs for illicit sex. Now — finally — the Germans have come up with something better: sex garages.


    

According to a Reuters report, the city of Cologne has set up a drive-in brothel — literally, eight converted garages in the middle of an old sports field — in an effort to move the red-light district away from the city’s landmark cathedral. Conceived by a Catholic women’s charity to protect the sex workers (prostitution is legal in Germany), the brothel features a bedroom and a shower in each sex garage (their official title, you should know, is Verrichtungsboxen, or “relief boxes”). The garages are also equipped with a panic button in case of trouble, and police patrol nearby. According to the report, local officials hope the $400,000 structure will help cut down on street crime and robberies of prostitutes and their clients.



The Family Circus



Give Wilmer Granda Vega credit: he doesn’t lack for ambition.


    

While some dream of running off to join the circus, Granda, a twenty-eight-year-old acrobat, announced this week that he intends to make one, right in his Ecuadorian home. Understand: Granda’s not planning on organizing a circus — you know, getting all his acro-buddies together and putting on a show. No, he’s actually planning on making a fully functioning circus from scratch, and he’s looking for the right lady to help him do just that — to the tune of twelve children.


    

Now, where he’s going to find this clown car of a woman is not entirely clear, but Granda tells Ecuador’s Extra newspaper that he intends to make her sign a document guaranteeing the daring dozen. “Some people think I’m crazy,” says Granda, “but I love children.” (How he feels about women, of course, is a different story.) Granda, who plans to teach his kids all his skills — which in addition to your basic tumbling includes motorcycle tricks, trapezing, magic, dancing and clowning — says it’s a simple matter of economics. “In the past, I have always worked for other people,” says Granda, “but I hope to found my own circus, if I can just find the right woman.” No word on how he intends to produce the elephants.




Quotes of the Week



“I was reading about what was going on in Afghanistan — the way women were being oppressed, the destruction of religious statues. And when I heard [Slayer’s “Raining Blood”], I just imagined a huge, juicy vagina coming out of the sky, raining blood over all those racist, misogynist fuckers.”




Tori Amos, perhaps proposing a new strategy in the War on Terrorism, in Spin. Hey, doesn’t seem any less workable than Star Wars.





“I love men, even though they’re lyin’, cheatin’ scumbags. I’m a very sexual person. I’m lucky if I get past six weeks. The make-or-break is six weeks.”




Gwyneth Paltrow, giving a timeline and some hope to would-be stalker/kidnappers, on Go.com’s Mr. Showbiz.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.