October 13, 2000
My, Aren’t You Manly?
Let’s get something straight right off the bat: the men of Tabalosos are
manly men. Actually, to quote the women of the northern Peruvian town, the
men of Tabalosos are “really manly men,” thus adding a degree of manliness
unsurpassed even in the manliest regions of the South American country.
Repeat: no matter what you might have heard, the men of Tabalosos are
not gay. At least not all of them. Not that there’s anything
wrong with that, by the way.
Alas, the town’s men have somehow been saddled with a
not-quite-heterosexual reputation. It probably has something to do with
a news report by a Lima-based television station that said that all the men in the town of 14,000 are gay. Something about the
drinking water that comes from the river running through Tabalosos.
Naturally, the report sparked a fevered protest this week from Tabalosos’s
women, who blocked highways with tree trunks and boulders and shut down
local businesses to express their outrage (frankly, the women sound pretty
manly too). “It’s slander,” said town mayor Francisco Cueva. “We have always been tough and hardworking.” The townspeople stressed that they had nothing against homosexuals, and they
even acknowledged that, just like in any other town, some locals might be gay. But presumably only the soft, lazy ones.
Blown Out of Proportion
According to most surveys conducted over the years, the average
heterosexual American man has more sex partners in a lifetime than the
average heterosexual woman seventy-four percent more, according to
two recent polls. Make sense to you? It shouldn’t.
After all, doesn’t Rob Base tell us it takes two to make a thing go
right i.e., for every man involved in a heterosexual sex act, there
is by definition a woman as well. So whence comes the discrepancy?
Social scientists have been puzzling over that very question for years
“folks lie to pollsters about their sex lives” being the most
commonly cited explanation. But according to an Associated Press report, a
better answer has finally dawned on them: hookers. According to a new
critique of the previous surveys done by the University of Washington’s
Devon Brewer, most data about sexual partners is gathered from “households”
(which doesn’t include motels, jails, shelters and rooming houses) during
the evening hours exactly the time when our nation’s hard-working
prostitutes are out on the streets, inflating the sex-partner data of
American men. And according to Brewer, your average prostitute inflates the
data of some 694 men per year which when factored into the existing
survey data makes the ratio pretty much one-to-one.
Coming Over the Wall
In most any other context, it would have been a pretty sweet moment, a
proud papa beaming as he shows off his toddler to his buddies. And there’s
no question it was touching when Kevin Granato did exactly that,
displaying his son two years ago in the visiting room at Allenwood. The
only problem indeed, the thing that raised eyebrows and sparked a
federal investigation was that Allenwood is a prison, and Mr.
Granato is serving time there as a result of his activities as a hitman for
the Colombo crime family. Has been serving time there, in fact,
since 1988, thus calling into serious question how he managed to father a
child particularly since he isn’t allowed conjugal visits.
Now, according to a report in the New York Post, federal
investigators have uncovered a conspiracy in which they say two former
Allenwood guards accepted thousands of dollars to smuggle sperm from
federal prisoners using cryogenic sperm kits. According to the report, the
contraband sperm was used to impregnate the girlfriends of as many as five
New York mobsters, all of whom were behind bars at the time. Both former
guards have been arrested and charged with bribery; the conspiracy was
reportedly exposed when one of the guards, thirty-three-year-old Troy
Kemmerer, accepted $5,000 to smuggle sperm from an undercover agent posing
as an inmate’s girlfriend.
Quotes of the Week
“I will never pose nude for any men’s magazine. Never! And that’s all I
have to say about that.”
Presidential finger-pointer Paula Jones, speaking in May to
Fox News. Jones will reportedly appear nude in the December issue of
“He’s very pretty. Maybe that’s why he’s so paranoid. Any man that’s kind of
attractive is going to be paranoid about his sexuality.”
Once-pretty pop star Boy George, on currently pretty rap star
Eminem’s obsession with homosexuality, in Wall of Sound. A spokesman
for the rapper points out that he has never even been to Tabalosos,