The Weekend Review

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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“I am hoping to be known as a great writer and actor some day rather than a sex symbol.”

— Steven Seagal

“I’m really enjoying being a woman. Just eight months ago, I got boobs! Who knows where they came from.”

— Mandy Moore

“To me, the boss-employee relationship is quite an appealing, sexy setup. I find myself offering girls jobs all the time.”

— Hugh Grant

“he is innconet”

On Monday, a Colorado judge announced that basketball star Kobe Bryant must stand trial for sexual assault. He faces life in prison and up to $750,000 in fines. Natch, the “he did it” and “he didn’t do it” camps are out in force. Because, you see, every time someone becomes famous, the rest of the world is granted psychic powers over them. By a wizard.

As usual, the most interesting commentary is being supplied by people whose total subjectivity and lack of insight or expertise qualify them to expound on everything, i.e. those people who populate our nation’s online message boards.

From a thread titled “Kobie”:

Kobie,never rape that girl second.she lied and said Kobie rape her. women like that shouldnt have sex if they gonna call rape on A men anyway all she want is Kobie Money that’s the truth,I don’t understand why white ppl wanna F*ck black.this how I see it white should f*ck white and black should F*ck black if yall thinking I’M A racist I’M not I’M only telling yall the truth.
Who are we to judge,kobie the only person can judge him is GOD.he is innconet,he should get him johnny crochan if he get johnny that’s a done deal.if yall wanna start some sh*t with me don’t answer my f*cking post.

This chick is so meta. She says that if we want to start shit with her, we shouldn’t answer her post. But then, how can we start shit? Intense. Of course, this sort of hands-on engagement is natural in such a high-profile case, where we can expect both the prosecution and the defense to manipulate Kobe’s fame to their ends. So far, neither is doing it as skillfully as Johnny Crochan would, though. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Battle Royale: The Liza and David Story

At the risk of seeming celebrity-obsessed, TWR offers the following as a cautionary tale, something Joan Didion might have called “a koan of the period.” On Oct. 15, David Gest, ex-husband of singer/actress/spectacle Liza Minnelli, filed a $10 million lawsuit against her, claiming Minnelli regularly beat him during their marriage. In court papers, Gest calls Minnelli “overweight” and “a raging alcoholic” who was “not able to be effectively merchandised.” Now, calling something fat and drunk is one thing. But “not adaptable to action figures” – youch.

The suit, posted Tuesday at, reads like a treatment for a Kinji Fukasaku remake of Valley of the Dolls, particularly the forty-point summary of Minnelli’s alleged abuses. Gest claims that during one particularly spectacular smash-’em-up, Minnelli threw a lamp, went out for Chinese food and came back with two bottles of vodka, beat Gest about the head and shoulders, then had to be physically restrained. (Highlights: “The alcohol gave her remarkable force and strength,” and “I can’t believe how strong Liza is on alcohol.”)

Minnelli is reportedly in denial. Yesterday, Tina Brown, the longtime defender of damaged, irrelevant celebrities, declared in an online chat that Gest was a “husband from hell.” The only possible explanation for this circus: Gest and Minnelli are collaborating on an giant episode of Punk’d, in which they are Ashton Kutcher and the entire journalism world is Kevin Richardson, the Backstreet Boy, who arrives home to discover that his house is completely empty. — Michael Martin


Orgasm’s effect on brain compared to heroin.

Dodgier business model than woman sells clothes to nudists.

Rumsfeld predicts “long, hard slog” in Iraq.

British eighth graders swallow Viagra during lunch break.

Transgendered State of Mind

According to research published in the scientific journal Foregone Conclusions this week, sexual identity — i.e., whether we feel male or female — is wired into the genes, discounting the notion that transgender sexuality and homosexuality is a matter of choice.

California scientists compared the production of genes in embryonic mice brains—long before the animals developed sex organs – and found a marked difference between the levels of particular genes in the male and female rodents. The brains also differed in anatomy and function. For example, the two hemispheres of the brain were more symmetrical in the females than in the males, which may improve communication between both sides of the brain, leading to enhanced verbal expressiveness in the “fairer” sex.

Sadly, while this new research may also explain while all the girls in Joe Millionaire are so damn chatty, it does nothing to explain their love for the Jheri-curled white boy from Detroit. —Tobin Levy

I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Jelly

TWR hears that jelly bracelets, those opaque plastic accessories popularized in the ’80s, are now known to Florida schoolchildren as “sex bracelets.” (But then again, what isn’t known as a “sex bracelet” to Florida schoolchildren?) Apparently, when you remove a bracelet from the wanton wrist of your fellow Florida schoolchild, you are entitled to a sexual favor, which varies depending on the bracelet’s color. For example, blue = oral sex.

TWR believes that sexual favors are passé enough that the bracelets should signify other things, for example:

Green = Buy me some yogurt. The good kind. Dannon. Not banana.

Yellow = Kill the centipede in my tub.

Red = I get to pick the music whenever we’re in the car for the rest of our lives.

Black = Stop sweatin’ my roommate.

Blue could still be oral sex, though.

The Alachua County school district sent a letter home, asking parents to prevent their children from wearing the bracelets to school. One principal stated, “It’s better to eliminate the problem before it gets going.” Evidently, no one had the same idea about gullible administrators. — Carrie Hill Wilner

College Girls Gone Wild With Injured Rage

TWR‘s college newspaper wasn’t that good. Well, it was fine, but there were typos and a lot of ruminations about Youth and Opportunity. We think it would have been better if they had run an occasional article about how the girls on campus were always drunk, wearing pajamas and crying.

Not so wise, we realize, now that Nicholas Louis of Sierra College came under fire for writing a column titled “Sierra Girls Aren’t Really All That ‘Hot’.” Because this is college, everyone got touchy, there were some rallies and meetings, and then some shit went down. The newspaper’s adviser, Kent Pollack, defended the decision to run the article: “I found the article to be offensive on the behalf of girls,” he said, “but I don’t find that a reason not to run one man’s opinion. That’s the beauty of journalism — to create energy in the community.” By “create energy,” of course, he meant “call out ugly girls.”

Louis’s article responded to a rumor that Sierra had been singled out by Playboy as having a particularly high level of girlicious loveliness. Louis countered that Sierra girls were shallow, obsessed with “nice clothes, the mall, cellphones, cars and Vogue magazine.” (Not to give Vogue too much credit, but couldn’t he have picked something trashier? Like Teen Vogue?) Furthermore, Louis claimed the Playboy rumor made a mockery out of the school, which he was attending to get an education — not to meet girls. We don’t think he could have achieved that aim any more effectively. — Carrie Hill Wilner

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