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This Week in Sex   
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October 26, 2001



Little City, Big, Uh, Boobs



Matt Halley and Dave Benzinger are entrepreneurs — businessmen. So when they saw a need in Nicollet, Minnesota, a promising market just waiting to be tapped, well, naturally they jumped at the chance to tap it. Unfortunately for the very surprised people of that sleepy mid-western burg, the market they tapped was the market for more naked ladies in sleepy mid-western burgs.


    

According to the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Halley and Benzinger leased an empty warehouse a block off Nicollet’s main drag this summer, then went about the process of transforming it into “The Mirage,” a nonalcoholic strip joint built to service the nearby college town of Mankato. And though tiny Nicollet is the kind of place people move to to get away from things like strip joints, not a single neighbor — not even city council member Mike Mans, who works right across the street from the warehouse — ever objected to the planned business while it was being built. Perhaps that’s because they never knew about it — according to the report, Halley and Benzinger (who are nineteen and twenty, respectively) did all their refurbishing in the dead of night, and when the club opened in late September, townspeople were shocked. “These guys did the ‘thief in the night’ thing,” said townie John Hornung, superintendent of Nicollet schools. “They think they pulled a fast one on everybody. And I think that’s what irritates everybody more than anything else.” A gleeful Halley has another theory: “I think a lot of people are angry because they got outsmarted by a bunch of young kids.” Nicollet officials have tried to close The Mirage on health department violations to no avail, and for the moment at least, it looks like they’ll have to live with the club; with only about eight hundred residents, the town never bothered to institute zoning restrictions for adult entertainment. “No one in their right mind in a small town in this country would let a strip club open up,” said Halley. “We knew if we got it going and got the doors open, we’d be here for life.”



Never Mind Brain Cancer…



We here at This Week in Sex have long realized that cell phones have taken on an almost phallic quality in today’s society. But even we never fathomed just how phallic.


    

According to a report on the Il Nuovo website, Italian researchers who stripped three-hundred volunteers of their mobile phones saw side effects ranging from diminished social competence to outright sexual impotence. The Codacons consumer association took hand phones from the volunteers for fifteen days and tracked their reactions. According to the report, some seven in ten volunteers said they “could not live without the device,” while a quarter said it led to sexual problems with partners. As many as four dozen of the volunteers said they were so distraught at losing their phones that they refused any and all sexual advances during their period of separation. On the plus side, thirty percent of the volunteers noted no ill effects during the experiment; distraught Nokia executives have presumably begun studying that group.



Ball Control



Tell ya what: One guy who must never have been without his mobile is Brazillian soccer stud Garrincha. According to a new bio, the player — and after Pele, he’s widely considered the finest that country has ever produced — was a “sex machine” whose soccer shorts strained to contain his twenty-five-centimeter penis (that’s about a ten-incher, fellas). Of course, Garrincha’s daughters aren’t as thrilled with the book’s revelations as are his fawning fans, and they’ve sued The Solitary Star‘s author, Ruy Castro, claiming the bio is an insult to their dad’s memory, according to O Globo newspaper. Unfortunately for the Garrinchettes, one of those fawning fans is Judge Joao Wehbi Dib, who rejected the suit out of hand.
“Having a big penis is a reason for pride in this country,” explained the judge. “Size of penis and sexual energy don’t walk hand in hand, but Brazilians dream of both.” Garrincha — real name Manuel dos Santos — died of alcoholism in 1983 (back when, it’s worth noting, cell phones were the size of bricks).



No King No Thing



For the last month or so, we’ve been updating you on the unlucky plight of Swazi King Mswati III, who was excoriated after instituting a five-year nationwide ban on sex with unmarried women and girls under eighteen. The reason for the abuse, you’ll remember, is that King Mswati himself was engaged to be married to a seventeen-year-old honey, and more than a few observers found his reintroduction of the traditional Swazi chastity rite to be just a tad hypocritical. Well folks, the long national nightmare is over. The king has given up the fight.


    

According to the Independent Online, King Mswati has pledged not to have sex with seventeen-year-old Nontsetselelo Magongo for the next five years. Sure, it’s bad news for Mswati, who chose his bride last month during a ceremony in which Magongo and several other maidens danced bare-breasted for him. But it’s good news for the Swazis, who now have a national symbol of strength to guide them through these difficult times. And anyway, it won’t be all that bad for the king — after all, he still has seven other wives to help him through it. Looks like everyone‘s a winner! (Everyone except for Magongo.)



Quotes of the Week



“I’ve pretty much had sex everywhere, but the weirdest place was a construction site. It was uncomfortable and filthy. That wasn’t one of my smartest moves.”


— Garbage singer Shirley Manson, in Jane.





“It is not something we would encourage on board, and it is not part of the normal in-flight entertainment.”


— A British Airways spokeswoman after a couple on an overnight flight from Phoenix to London were caught having noisy sex in Club Class this week.





“[Cher and Britney Spears] have a special bond, as Britney’s breasts are made out of Cher’s old nose.”


Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.