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This Week in Sex   
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October 27, 2000


Bad Boys



Most folks’ll tell you that prison life ought to be tough. So when allegations arose that
a female guard at the Montgomery County Correctional Facility outside
Philadelphia was sneaking cigarettes and candy from the prison commissary
to a few of the male inmates, well, the outcry was to be expected. Never
mind that the guard, who wasn’t named in the Philadelphia Daily News
story about the allegations, made the prisoners pay for their sweets and
smokes. Seems the hardliners just won’t budge.


    

Perhaps it’s because the “payment” the guard allegedly extracted from her
inmates was sex. Now, if you’re thinking that’s probably not the most
onerous fee to a bunch of guys locked up in the clink, well, you’re not alone. The
accusations have spurred an investigation led by the prison warden,
Lawrence V. Roth Jr., who says that an arrest is not imminent,
adding with a note of skepticism that in his thirty years as warden, he’d “heard
of almost everything else, but nothing like this.” The allegations first
surfaced after one of the guard’s alleged victims was caught with some of
the contraband in his cell. That inmate was treated to a month in solitary.



Gummy Bare



Charlotte Kirwan probably figured that the bag of jelly numbers she bought
her son at the grocery story would make a great teaching tool. Little Robert
did learn plenty from that package of candy — though the lesson
he picked up probably wasn’t quite what Charlotte was hoping for.


    

Specifically, six-year-old Robert got an early lesson in the gummy birds
and gummy bees last week, when he tore open the jelly numerals his mother
bought at the Aldi supermarket in Coventry, England. According to a report
in the Coventry Evening Telegraph, Robert found in his bag a fully
formed and “rather lewd” gummy woman — completely topless. The boy’s
mother told the paper that Robert held the jelly babe up and asked her,
“What’s this mummy?” before Charlotte snatched it away from him. “I can see
the funny side,” she says, “but it was lucky I got it off Robert before he
started to ask too many questions.” A spokesman for Aldi explained that the
jelly babe most likely appeared as the result of an error on the part of
the wholesale candy makers from whom the supermarket buys the sweets.
“Clearly,” said the spokesman, “our manufacturers made a boob.”



“I Swear This Has Never Happened to Me Before . . . “



It must have seemed like a damn fine place to get their groove on. After
all, there they were, a young, amorous couple in a peaceful meadow under
the stars near their Czech village of Brnicko. It was the perfect setting
— far from prying neighbors and ringing phones and bustling traffic
and all the other annoyances and distractions of modern life. Well, okay.
Maybe there was a wee bit of traffic.


    

Unfortunately for the couple (who went unnamed in a Reuters report), that
traffic came in the form of a local man who decided to cut through said
meadow while driving his tractor to a nearby party (a black-tie affair, one
presumes). Alas, the tractor driver plowed straight over the man’s ass
— quite literally — while also trampling his partner’s chest. The
unlucky lovers were injured, though they didn’t immediately tell anyone the
circumstances of their accident. It was only weeks later, when doctors and
insurers began to investigate the incident, that the involvement of the
tractor was discovered. The driver, who says he never even noticed the
pair, has been charged with the criminal offense of causing an injury.



Quotes of the Week



“It was only women that complained. This woman has a good figure and I
think the feeling among most men was that it brightened the place up.”




— A police spokesman in a Romanian town where a woman was arrested
after neighbors complained that she was singing badly and running around
naked in order to irritate her husband.





“They asked if I’d have a problem with this assignment, and I told them the
only problem is that if I get hit by a car the morgue will never be able to
remove the smile from my face.”




— A former director of AOL’s Internet programming, identified in the
Village Voice only as “Mulder,” on being asked by the company
to spend three months in 1996 studying online pornography as a possible
business venture.





“There are so many emotions involved that I would like to be able to wait
until I know I’m with the right person and I’m married.”




— Teen pop vixen Britney Spears, still insisting that she’s a
virgin.









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©2000 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.