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Russian (Un)dressing

Perhaps Chechen rebels would be a little easier to subdue if Captain Damir Ilyasov held a higher rank in the Russian forces. The captain received a two-year suspended sentence for battering his subordinates with a ”black latex baton shaped like a male sex organ,” known in some Western circles as a dildo. According to the Russian paper The Gazeta, the story came to light after Private Ruslan Machnev deserted from the unit’s base. Once captured, the soldier explained that he fled to escape Illyasov’s relentless taunting with the rubber love-truncheon. Prosecutors investigated the soldier’s claims, and discovered that the captain carried out so-called ”night formations” in his unit, waking the soldiers and dildo-whipping those who weren’t taking care of their uniforms. In court, the captain pleaded guilty and apologized. Loyal, possibly sadomasochistic members of the battalion told the military court that he ”only hit them lightly.” Ilyasov has also been stripped of his officer’s rank and removed from his post — although it remains unclear whether his post was removed from him.

Don’t Harsh On My Buzz, Yo

Another great leap forward for the school that gave you Bob Moog and the first online advice column ever: Vibrators as health supplements! Cornell University Health Services, as part of their Women’s Health Initiative, may offer sex toys along with contraceptives and lubricants to their student bodies. “I think one of the most important things is for women to be able to get themselves off. It’s better than going to the sketchy shop downtown where they have to check the batteries for you,” said sophomore Sara Jacobs, who is currently on the phone defending her definition of “important things” to her angry parents. Beyond the obvious applications for the moto-dildos, the university is unsmirkingly promoting them as part of a holistic approach to health. “Vibrators or personal massagers may have a broader appeal to people who use our massage therapy and physical therapy services for muscle relaxation,” explained spokeswoman Sharon Dittman. It’s homeopathy and hole-ism all in one!

Whore Is Well, Soldier

Getting into the Halloween spirit this week, a politician in the African nation of Namibia has accused wives of using witchcraft to make their husbands impotent. Phillemon Moongo, the DTA-UDF coalition MP, claimed that promiscuous married women bewitched their husbands with African “juju” and herbs so they could not maintain an erection. According to national paper The Namibian, some male MPs went all Khrushchev, banging their fists on their desks in support of the mad MP’s claims. During debate on a domestic violence bill, Moongo said the bill must also address the witchcraft perpetrated on men. The MP alleged that “some married wives (sic) engage in adultery, sleep around with other men, become pregnant from other men and say that it is their husband’s children.” Which, as Moongo explained, causes men to cheat on and physically abuse their wives. Agriculture Minister Helmut Angula added that sexual denial causes homosexuality to boot: “As a biology teacher, I know how the body functions.” Yeah, violently and without reason, say, like Namibia’s government?

Gotcher Five Pillars Right Here, Pal

Remember how you got your first hoodie, and it was cool, and you were cool, and then you saw everyone wearing them? Sex advice is the hoodie of 2002: everyone’s in on it all of a sudden. Several student newspapers, including Yale’s Daily News now have a sex column. Even Arab News is getting into the act. And what can we learn from Quaranal scholarship? Well, for starters, you can’t pray while “in menstruation,” there are benefits to allowing polygamy, and anal sex between a “man and wife” is a big no-no. One reader of this gnaughty Gnostic column wrote in, citing Verse 223 of Surah 2 in the Koran as evidence of a possible “If it feels good, do it” policy. However, the Arab Ann Landers explained that this interpretation of the passage is trumped by a direct quote from the prophet himself: “Consider what I have said: from behind, but in the front.” Apparently doggy style seems to please God, knocking on heaven’s back door is one of ten things tantamount to disbelief.

Additional assistance, puns, wordplay, and double entendre provided by Jim Jazwiecki.

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