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This Week in Sex   
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November 2, 2001



The High Cost of Norwegian Wood



Persuading a couple of hot young strippers to join you and your brother back at your apartment — that’s always an impressive feat. But doing so when you and your bro are a pair of elderly pensioners? Now that’s a freaking miracle.


    

Unless, of course, you don’t trust those strippers or their motives — and really, who among us would trust them? Arne and Oystein Tokvam, that’s who. The Norwegian brothers, aged seventy-three and eighty, respectively, are apparently not burdened by such hair-trigger dubiety of their fellow man (and woman). According to the Bergens Tidene newspaper, the Tokvams invited two young women to their home after meeting them in a shop in Flam, their west Norway hometown. The women reportedly stripped for the brothers in their living room before asking to use the bathroom, at which point Arne and Oystein presumably exchanged high fives and did silent little pensioner jigs. But when the women never returned from the toilet, the Tokvams investigated and discovered that they’d been stripped of quite a chunk of change — about $7,000 that had been locked in their safe, to be exact. Local police still don’t know whether the women worked alone or with accomplices — in fact, they don’t know much at all. According to police Sgt. Kjell Nordjulen, the cops have closed the case because “we cannot find the culprits or any traces of them.” Not that the Brothers Tokvam are too upset about it. “We’re looking at it as entertainment,” said little brother Arne. “Very expensive, but absolutely entertaining.”



Up Next: The Possum-Fur Chest Rug



Sales, as we know, is all about finding a need and filling it, and by that standard, the folks over at the Maruia Nature Catalog are doing a bang-up job. Granted, the need they’ve chosen to fill wasn’t all that obvious to start with, but that only makes it more impressive, don’t it?


    

According to the Nelson Mail of New Zealand, the Nelson-based company has just introduced a line of possum-fur thong underwear that they foresee as being huge among New Zealand’s gay community. Now, before you wonder aloud why they think gay folks would have any special affinity for possum fur, know this: they’re already almost completely sold out of the thongs. And really, it shouldn’t be a major surprise to anyone who’s been paying attention to Kiwi couture: the Maruia Nature Catalog has already achieved phenomenal success with their possum-fur nipple-warmers, which are designed to (duh) warm the nipples, thus thwarting any embarrassing “show-through” on cold days. Makes good sense, too — ever seen a possum with embarrassing show-through?



Trick or Treat! Or Crabs!



Ghosts and goblins are spooky, sure. But gonorrhea’ll scare the pants off ya. Or, more to the point, it’ll scare the pants back on you.


    

That, at least, is the rationale behind the entirely unsettling “STD Free! Haunted House” hosted by city health officials this week in Nashville, Tennessee. The exhibition, held for the third consecutive year on the campus of Tennessee State University, features an S-shaped path lined with full-color blow-ups of canker sores and genital warts on male and female genitalia infected with syphilis, chlamydia or gonorrhea. At the end of the path is an empty casket, a macabre warning to anyone who doesn’t practice safe sex. According to the Associated Press, city officials commissioned the disease-themed spookfest after Nashville reported the second-highest rate of syphilis in the country — 250 cases of it, or 45 cases per 100,000 people. And Lynette Whitlow, program specialist for the city health department, says the plan works: “Guys would come up and say nothing scares them. Then before they could get around the corner . . . I could hear them screaming.” Visitors are given “goody bags” filled with brochures on sexually transmitted diseases, and are offered free HIV and syphilis tests.



Quotes of the Week



“It worked too well. I was taking this woman out to dinner afterwards and I couldn’t zip up my trousers.”



— Actor and Harry Potter star Richard Harris, on his one-time adventure with Viagra, on Teletext.com.





“Where is the strangest place you and your five wives have ever made whoopee?”



— The first of CNN’s six questions for Osama bin Laden, according to David Letterman.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.