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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“It could have been worse if she had used scissors.”

— Phnom Penh police chief Touch Sarin, commenting on a case in which a man’s wife slashed his penis with a razor, reportedly because of his success at karaoke.

“I remember the most romantic thing he said was, ‘Don’t worry, I’m an expert from nighttime soap operas’ and he popped an Altoid and it kind of ruined the thrill.”

— Natasha Lyonne, on her sex scenes with Jason Priestley in the new film Die Mommie Die.

“I’ve made out in a cab, but I haven’t gone all the way. Or have I? Okay, yeah, I did, but I don’t remember. You can’t be sober and have sex in the back of a cab.”

— Keanu Reeves in Us Weekly

Image of the Week

“Death,” a sculpture by artists Jake and Dinos Chapman, sits in the Tate gallery in London. It’s been nominated for the $34,000 Turner Prize, which will be announced on December 7.

The Large Print Giveth, and the Small Print Taketh Away

Once a year in elementary school, they’d break out the animated “How a Bill Becomes Law” cartoon. An unspecified bit of legislature, represented by a piece of paper with googly eyes, romped through the branches of government until it became a law. and got a graduation cap and Ray-Ban sunglasses. Because, you see, it’s cool to be a law.

Then they stopped showing the video, and I forgot everything. Then I got re-schooled, because I’ve been following recent attempts to ban partial-birth abortion. Here’s how it works.

1) Legislation is drafted and introduced. Preferably, this legislation is deceptively worded and bans a procedure which doesn’t exist. (Technically, there are several methods of late-term abortions, including “dilation and evacuation” and “dilation and extraction.” “Partial-birth abortion,” like “personal style,” means whatever you want it to.)

2) Committees discuss. This takes a long time, and everyone sort of forgets what’s going on. The House votes. Then the Senate votes. A senator brings in gory posters during the partial-birth show-and-tell in an attempt to influence opinion.

3) Once the bill gets through the House and the Senate, it ends up on the President’s desk.

4) There are three things the President can do. He can veto the bill, then the Legislature can override the veto or just key his car. He can also pretend he never got the bill. This is called a pocket veto. Or — and this is the most fun one — the President can sign the bill during a ceremony involving a row of American flags and cheering crowds. Then he says Yoda shit like, “The right to life cannot be granted or denied by the government, because it does not come from the government – it comes from the creator of life.” (In case you’re not that swift or reading this while totally blitzed, that’s what happened the other day.)

5) Then, little dude’s a law and gets his Ray-Bans. That is, until the Judicial Branch shows up, which is a TOTAL buzzkill, because if the law is challenged in court and gets to the Supreme, they can overturn it. Currently, a Federal District Judge in Nebraska has issued a limited injunction against the ban, proving that not only is Nebraska a hotbed of lush emo songstering, it’s also home to some progressive politics. Similar challenges are being addressed in New York and San Francisco. — CHW

Newswire

Paris Hilton sex video reportedly surfaces.

High-schoolers expelled for making sex video. Paris Hilton uninvolved.

Princess Diana and Bryan Adams had affair?

Patriot Act invoked in trial of strip-club owner.

Nude karaoke blocked in Connecticut.

Reality TV Goes All the Way … Again

American Idol will meet Deep Throat in the upcoming reality series Can You Be a Pornstar? Twenty-eight women will “compete in a series of hot and nasty sex challenges, all specially designed to separate the real porn sluts from the ‘wannabes,'” states the show’s website, where you’ll be able to cast a vote for “Princess,” “Jassie,” “Jacqueline” or “Destiny” once the contest gets under way. The winner receives a one-year contract with a major adult-video distributor and a cash prize of $100,000.

Seven one-hour shows will be broadcast on pay-per-view. In each episode, four women will arrive at an L.A. house for photo shoots, interviews and — ahem —  “surprises.” Viewers, along with “celebrity” judges and the show’s hosts (former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey and adult-film stars
Tabitha Stevens and Ginger Lynn) will pick eight finalists for a ninety-minute finale.

“It’s like Paradise Hotel when they go behind the scenes,” says Harry Feingold, the CEO of Silhouette Productions, the show’s producer. “Everybody wants to know what’s going on. Well, here you see it!” Well, many thanks, Mr. Astute CEO (since when are CEOs allowed to be spokespeople?) because the titillating prospects of what goes on “behind the scenes” on porn sets has kept us from sleeping for the past six years. We’ll plan on discarding our Ambien on January 8, the show’s scheduled premiere date. — Tobin Levy

Tonight’s Erection Has Been Brought to You by …

Ah, the commercialization of impotence drugs! First Cialis, which claims to provide a thirty-six-hour erection, became a sponsor of the PGA Golf Tour (maybe because golf is as drawn out and dull as a thirty-six-hour erection). Then Levitra hooked up with the NFL. Perhaps you know the commercial: it’s the one where the guy can’t throw the football through the tire swing, then he takes Levitra and he can. It’s like all the ad execs are basing their campaigns on the Cliffs Notes to Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams.

As the established players lodge themselves in our subconscious, the drug company Palatin is developing a nasal spray to cure erectile dysfunction. Considering the level on which these manufacturers are communicating with their consumers, I’m not sure whether they’ve selected nasal spray because it’s effective, or because it’s a mini-re-enactment of intercourse.

The interesting thing about Palatin’s drug, I guess, is that instead of blocking the enzymes that slow blood flow to the penis, it works directly on the brain, stimulating the hypothalamus, which is responsible for processing non-verbal cues, the sleep cycle and erection-getting. No word on what sports the yet-to-be-named Palatin drug will exploit. Maybe there’ll be an extended riff on the importance of warming up the ball in squash. — CHW

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