November 9, 2001
It’s simple mechanics, really. You want to keep your motor running at full power, ya gotta keep it from overheating. So why does this seem like such a breakthrough?
This, to clarify, is the news out of Germany that scientists have managed to improve sperm production and quality by installing an air conditioning unit in the underpants of men with low sperm counts. That’s right: according to Ananova.com.com, doctors at Giessen University near Frankfurt rigged up a system of tubes, fans and nozzles in the bootywear of twenty men who suffered from “reduced sperm quality,” then made them wear the damned contraption every night for twelve weeks. At the end of the study, they found that, with the men’s crotches chilled to at least one degree centigrade below normal, “Not only is the amount of sperm increased but it is faster moving, too,” according to head researcher Andreas Jung. “And that adds up to more chance of fathering a child.” (That kind of explains the out-of-control population growth in Greenland, don’t it?) Jung says the men don’t have to wear the fan-derpants every night, though. “In order to reduce nighttime temperatures,” he says, “it is enough for many men to sleep without any underpants on at all.” Which, frankly, adds up to more chance of fathering a child, if you ask us.
Keeping the Lay in Malaysia
Okay, first thing’s first: the men of Perlis do not have erectile problems. Honestly if you don’t believe us, just ask the wives of the men of Perlis. All of ’em.
That, at least, is what Shahidan Kassim says, and he’s the head of that Malaysian state. Last week, when Malaysian health minister Chua Jui Meng announced the results of a recent government-sponsored study of erectile dysfunction, Perlis topped the list of states, with seventy percent of middle-aged men showing signs of the problem. But Kassim calls those numbers shocking and impossible. Why? Because Perlis has the highest number of polygamous marriages of any state in Malaysia, and “In my opinion, polygamous men most certainly cannot be suffering from erectile dysfunction,” he told the Straits Times. But lest you think Kassim is simply being defensive about his oh-so-manly constituency, he’s got a good reason to quash the study’s results: “If it is true,” he says, “it could lead to many problems, including the breakdown of the family unit.” Figure out the logic in that one and we’ll give you a hundred Malaysian ringgit.
Tits ‘n’ Ash
Plenty of places in New York to pick up hotties. Tons of places. But ground zero?
Yeah, apparently so. According to the New York Post, the ongoing recovery operation at the site of what was the World Trade Center has become a regular meet market, with single women scrambling to get into the restricted area to “volunteer” and hook up with eligible heroes. “I’m not doing this just to meet guys, but it does happen,” says Susan, a twenty-eight-year-old volunteer who says she’s been out with a fireman and a cop she met at the site. “You’re serving food in a restaurant; they come here to eat, relax. They want, or need, to talk. You want to help.” Still, Susan (who asked that only her first name be used) is clearly less aggressive than some of her fellow volunteers. “Some girls come in here and treat it like a dating service,” she says. “They’re so obviously not dressed for mopping the floor.” According to the report, food workers at ground zero wear hairnets and latex gloves, but these women have showed up to volunteer in tank tops and short skirts, and some have donned bikinis to cheer on workers making their way up the West Side Highway. Nothing wrong with that, says Benita Gold, a Manhattan public relations executive in her early forties. “Part of our role is like the girls at USO dances during World War II, brightening up the day for men who face a heartbreaking and grim task.” Then again, not all the workers are enjoying the attention. “It’s beginning to wear a little thin,” says Paul Iannizzotti, a firefighter with the 45th Battalion in Long Island City, Queens, who has been at ground zero since Sept. eleventh. “We appreciate all the support from everyone, and it’s been amazing. But we also have work to do.”
Quotes of the Week
“Being in great shape I mean, I am a sexual machine now. Raring to go every second of the day. I’m human Viagra. I am Will-agra.”
Ali star Will Smith, on the benefits of bulking up for his newest part, in Playboy.
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update anchor Tina Fey, in response to Smith’s boast.
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