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This Week in Sex   
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November 10, 2000


Big Country



Paris has its Eiffel Tower. London has Big Ben. New York has the Empire
State Building. So what does tiny Swaziland have that can compete with all
this? Well, if current reports are accurate, plenty.


    

According to a report from the African Eye News Service, Swaziland
parliamentarian Majahodvwa Dlamini told an HIV/AIDS crisis committee this
week that, while the Swazis are awfully grateful for all the condoms
that have been donated from the Far East and some American companies, well,
they’re just a wee bit too — oh geez, how to phrase this?
— um, wee. Yep — in what would in any other context be
dismissed as the barroom boast of a drunken parliamentarian, Dlamini told
the council that “they are just too small for us and therefore tear when
used,” adding that the situation has led to confusion, with Swazi men being
told not to use the ill-fitting condoms, despite the fact that fully
one-quarter of the million-strong nation is reported to be HIV positive. Said Swazi
National AIDS Program representative Beatrice Dlamini (no relation), “Those
that can should use these condoms, because they were sent to us by foreign
donors and it would be very rude to send them back.” As yet, there are no
reports of anyone stepping forward to accept the offer.



More Monumental Dicks



We all want to ensure that our loved ones are remembered in death as they
were known in life. But what if your loved one wasn’t really all that
loved? Like, say, what if she was a two-timing hussy who can rot in hell
for all you care — what then? Well if you’re Constantin Vasilescu of
Brasov, Romania, it ain’t no different — you want her immortalized
exactly as she was. That’s why, after his allegedly adulterous wife died in
1969, Vasilescu buried her — but not the hatchet — ordering a
gravestone depicting a woman sitting on a penis. “That’s all she thought
about all her life,” the unforgiving Romanian reportedly told the stone
mason, “so that’s what she’s going to be remembered for in the afterlife as
well.” According to Ananova.com, the monument was destroyed in 1985 by a
communist official whose own wife was buried nearby, but Vasilescu had it
replaced after the fall of communism in Romania, this time opting for a
more, er, dignified stone featuring a pair of stylized penises. Alas, the locals
still weren’t thrilled, even with this toned-down monument, and now,
some seven years after Vasilescu‘s death, they’ve asked cemetery
authorities to have it removed.



Traci Lords Had It So Easy



No one ever said you had to be a rocket scientist to land a job as a porn star. But apparently, there are some minimum intellectual requirements. And it looks like at least
one embarrassed Clevelander comes up just a tad short.


    

The woman — who wisely asked not to be named in a Cleveland Plain
Dealer
report — reportedly was bilked out of a sizeable chunk of
money this week when she responded to a fraudulent ad in a
local alternative weekly. The ad, which trumpeted the coming “Adult Film
Convention 2000,” claimed that convention-goers would have an
opportunity to meet more than 150 porn stars, watch an adult film being
made, and even meet adult-film recruiters (plus: refreshments!). All one
had to do to attend, according to the report, was to wire $200 to “a guy
named Lou” in New York City (no, really). Alas, our hapless victim —
who said she wanted to take her “friend” to the convention because her
“friend” wanted to get into the industry — spent some $600 dollars in
tickets and wire transfer fees and was told to head down to the Cleveland
Marriott, where she would be met by a blond woman in a white T-shirt and
escorted to the big shindig. To the surprise of nobody but the victim, the
blond woman wasn’t there, and workers at the Marriott told the Plain
Dealer
that they didn’t notice any porn conventions over the weekend,
though it’s not like 150 porn stars in Cleveland stand out or anything.
Subsequent calls to the number listed in the ad resulted in vague excuses,
followed by a string of busy signals and, eventually, voice mail hell.



Quotes of the Week



“I feel like a porn star!”




— Exclamation wrongly attributed to First Daughter Chelsea Clinton as
she posed for a photo with her father on election day. The Associated
Press, which issued the mistaken report, later ran a correction, explaining
that the remark was made by a bystander in a Hillary Clinton mask.





“The computer nerds like to see live ladies pole-dancing.”




— An unnamed Las Vegas PR official, explaining for Wired News the
brisk business at the local strip bars during Comdex, the annual high-tech
trade show.









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©2000 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.