November 12, 1999
Some people join the military and jump out of airplanes. Others drive tanks, and still others keep vigilant watch over dangerous, war-ready missiles. And then there are the underwear designers.
Captain Frank Delanghe of the Canadian army (yes, Canada has an army) is not about to jump out of any airplanes. He’s been given a special mission by his superiors: to design some sort of “brassiere temperate underwear” basically, a battle-ready bra. But after two years of research (consisting, mainly, of interviews with female soldiers returning from peacekeeping duties in Africa and the Balkans), Delanghe arrived at the disconcerting conclusion that building a battle bra would be a double-handful of a task. The reason? Turns out, boobs are different, eh.
“Specifically, the shape, size, curvature, inclination and orientation of female breasts . . . as well as the horizontal separation between the breasts would have to be considered due to the wide differences between individuals,” Delanghe reported. But Colonel Michael Capstick deemed those findings unsupportable after all, if Nike can do it, surely the Canadian army can, too and ordered Delanghe back to the drawing board: “The rationale behind the necessity for (men’s) combat boxer shorts to protect skin and the genital area from inclement weather is also applicable to women’s breasts.” But apparently, the war bra isn’t a high priority; a second analysis isn’t scheduled until sometime in 2000.
Two Utah girls were suspended from school this week after they were caught kissing in the hallway. The girls, who had reportedly been spoken to before about their public displays of puberty, were given two days off from Weber High in Pleasant View after the school administration received complaints about the girls’ actions. And though they’re the first couple to be suspended from the school for kissing, Weber High principal Dean Oborn says the punishment had nothing to do with their sexual orientation. Rather, he says, it was a simple matter of insubordination: “It wasn’t a single incident,” he explained to Salt Lake City’s Deseret News.
Prison sex has never been this dangerous. Raul Zarate Diaz, a prison warden in Tapachula, on Mexico’s southern border, fell to his death this week while spying on inmates during their conjugal visits. The warden, who reportedly had a pornographic magazine and a pair of binoculars with him, crashed through a skylight and dropped 23 feet, landing next to a Nicaraguan prisoner and his wife while they were having sex. Diaz had apparently tripped on the window.
The prisoner who was interrupted did what any reasonable felon would have done in his situation: he tried to start a riot. The attempt was quashed by prison security.
Quotes of the Week
“I am trying to find a solution / about a certain person / With this modern surgery / they changed him from a he to she / But behind that lipstick, rouge and paint / I got to know, is she is or is she ain’t?”
“You gotta talk, you gotta listen, you gotta laugh. And you gotta have lots of Tantric sex.”