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Our Favorite Unauthorized-Porn Meme

Of course there’s a Paris Hilton sex tape. Does this surprise anyone? How could there not be a Paris Hilton sex tape? Well, while all the editorial assistants in New York strain to get a glimpse of said video above the churning mass of their scandal-hungry and strangely aroused bosses, TWR will toast Larry Flynt for creating a scenario that’s much more interesting.

Last week Flynt, the publisher of Hustler magazine, said he had procured topless photos of former POW Jessica Lynch. But this week, Flynt claimed he wouldn’t publish the pictures because it was “beneath his dignity,” or something equally incomprehensible. “Lynch is a victim of the media and the government,” says Flynt, “co-conspirators desperate to justify the war in Iraq.” She’s also ostensibly a victim of the two soldiers whom Flynt says “sold him” the “photos,” which “show Lynch” topless and “cavorting” or — if your definition of “cavorting” is maybe not so inclusive — “slutting it up” with two men at Fort Bliss, Texas.

The men, Flynt says, sold the tapes to show that Lynch was “not all apple pie,” but, in fact, titties. Meanwhile, every news outfit is all over the story like Larry Flynt on unauthorized sexy photos of media pawns, only pausing from their intense investigative reporting to ask “really?” when told the word “gullible” is not in the dictionary.— Carrie Hill Wilner

_____ _____ for the _____ _____

This week, Variety reported that Bravo will air the special Straight Eye for the Queer Guy, in which five red-blooded dudes will perform a “make-better” on a gay man, providing tutelage on such exclusively hetero things as “power tools” and “sports.”

As irritated as TWR is to see masculinity oversimplifed for the nth time, we’re going to “seek balance,” as our therapist has suggested (Hi Laurie!), and concentrate on the good that might come from this latest vehicle for stereotype reinforcement. For example, the 42,569 magazine headline writers who’ve been punning on the title “____ Eye for the ____ ____” might finally fucking stop it.

In the meantime, Bravo has announced that the following reality pilots are in development: Electroshock Dating, High Fructose Corn Syrup for the Diabetic Guy, Battle of the Conjoined Twins, Pancreas Swap and Barefoot and Pregnant Island. — Michael Martin

Newswire

Paris Hilton in Captivity, Day Five:

– Her costar sues for $10 million.

– Ten more sex tapes said to exist, one involving MTV’s Simon Rex.

Study: Women
like online porn too!

Prince Charles sex scandal update continues to unfold.

Britney Spears album contains song about masturbation.

Penthouse founder resigns as CEO , leaves light mucusy trail.

Naked Lunch

As if Indian earthquakes, Afghanistan atrocities, Iraqi injustices, and all the puppies and kittens that lost their homes (and their tails) in the West Coast forest fires weren’t enough to keep us from truly enjoying our pints at the end of the day, now we have to worry about the plight of indentured sushi platters.

“It’s dehumanizing to be treated as a plate!” exclaims Cherry Cayabyab, a chapter president of National Asian Pacific American Women’s Forum. Ms. Cayabyab is referring to a practice at Seattle’s Bonzai nightclub. Once a month, the club’s Japanese restaurant serves maki and tempura atop female models clad only in thongs and flower petals. Patrons pay a $5 cover charge to pick their way through the nearly naked buffet.

TWR doesn’t understand all the panty-twisting here. There’s clear plastic wrap between the models and the raw fish (minimizing risks of salmonella and permanent odor damage), the models work reasonable half-hour shifts and there are rules against harassing the model from whence your sushi came. (Oh, and most importantly, the club’s promoters do call it performance art.)

Still, NAPAWF is outraged. If the club persists, they plan to launch a media campaign — the first organized opposition to naked sushi in the United States. (The practice originated in Japan and has spread to New York and L.A.) Any ideas for slogans? Send an email to antinakedsushiactivism@nerve.com, and we’ll pass ’em on.— Tobin Levy

Am I Hot or Nonextant?

If Jessica Lynch, Paris Hilton or anyone else who has ever existed in the real world doesn’t do it for you, you might want to check out the Miss Digital World pageant, which begins next month. The aim of the contest, as stated by its creator, Franz Cerami, is to “search for a contemporary ideal of beauty, seen through virtual reality.” Judging by the image on the competition’s website, www.missvirtualworld.com, that’s pretty much Kirsten Dunst, so we’re not sure why they’re bothering with the contest.

But anyway. This is how it works: you sit down at your computer and get all Weird Science, making the hottest fake chick ever. Then you ruthlessly push her through a series of smaller pageants (Miss Digital Kentucky, Miss Digital Firestone Tires, Miss Digital Teen Dairy Farmers of America) at a young age, until she’s primed for Miss Digital World. At that point, she enters the full-on competition, which includes a virtual catwalk, a virtual host, virtual guests and judges and an opulent ceremony.

According to the site, the contestants must promise:

– Never to have taken part, not even as extras or cameos, in any type of pornographic films, shows or plays.

– Never to have made public pronouncements of a potentially embarrassing nature, or in any way not in tone with the moral spirit of the Competition.

TWR can only hope “contestants” refers to the creators and not the creations — which are NOT REAL and so can not have participated in, said, or done ANYTHING. The only thing that’s real is the lameness! — CHW

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