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Weekend Review
‘Tis the Reason to be Jolly

Working strictly in the interest of science, researchers at Mississippi State University recently interviewed more than 19,000 teens between the ages of thirteen and eighteen about the loss of their virginity. Notably, the study confirmed the “summer vacation” theory: girls are more likely to have sex when they’re away from school, either during the holiday break or summer. Winter break is apparently the most common time for girls in “romantic relationships” to lose their cervical chador. Intriguingly, the seasonal effect was found to be less prevalent in non-white teens. But the study’s most fascinating conclusion was that June and December are the most popular months for cherry harvesting, dispelling the myth that the most common time to lose one’s virginity is in April, May, or after a beer with one of the D’Cipponi sisters.

Get Your Wings

According to old wives’ tales, masturbation can cause retinal damage (Old man: “Don’t play with that, sonny. You’ll go blind.” Little kid: “I’m over here, Grandpa.”) Well, you can now add another caveat to the list: a quick session of dolphin slapping can now turn you into a suspected terrorist. This week in Paris, three sailors carrying “strange-looking” documents took turns locking themselves in a plane’s restrooms prior to take-off, freaking out fellow passengers and cabin crew. The three sailors, returning to their homes in the Central Pacific nation of Kiribati, aroused the suspicion of flight staff because the documents they were carrying appeared to relate to the September 11 attacks. It later became clear that the trio had only been relieving their sexual urges and that the “documents” were some spank mags purchased at le tabac. (Tell me, did Juggs do a 9/11 commemorative issue?) Airport sources reported that jumpy crew members inspected the airplane restrooms and noted “suspicious white drops.” The information was then passed on to Gallic cops, who misheard that the crew had found “suspicious white powder.” Panic ensued. Although the truth soon came out, the plane’s captain refused to let the jerky mariners travel on his flight, and they were ejected from the aircraft, their mile-high club memberships revoked.

Who Fucked Snoopy?

Joe Cocho did, according to his landlord, who recently found the South Brunswick, New Jersey, resident balls-deep in her two-year-old beagle, Daisy. Dorothy Gallagher witnessed the act of canine sodomy after Daisy’s frenzied yelping led her to take a peek in Concho’s room. Concho, a conspiracy theorist who believed the CIA, FBI and Mafia all had an interest in detaining him (perhaps the ASPCA can now be added to the list?), was arrested on charges of torturing an animal. “It doesn’t get any sicker than that,” said local detective Jim Ryan. But the madness was cranked up to eleven six hours later, when police received a 911 threat about a biological bomb planted at the trailer park where Concho lived. South Brunswick cops swooped in on the trailer park dressed in biohazard suits, but they only found some rant-filled journals and a dagger. Cocho faces a three-to-five-year stint in the big house, plus eighteen months for torturing poor Daisy.
New Jersey gets weirder. This just in: The animal torture charge was reduced to disorderly conduct, because prosecutors couldn’t establish that sodomizing the dog was torture. Similarly, it couldn’t be proved that Cocho intended to use the knife found at the scene as a weapon. It’s a mad, mad world.

Vlad the Curtailer

For reasons we don’t really understand, Vladimir Putin is considered quite the sex symbol in his home country. Recently, Russian pop groups have been singing his praises; consider the lyrics to one of the country’s most popular songs: “My boyfriend got himself into trouble again/ Had a fight, downed a lot of crap/ He made me so angry, I dumped him/ And now I want someone like Putin/ Someone like Putin, who won’t hurt me/ Someone like Putin, who won’t run away/ Someone like Putin, full of strength/ Someone like Putin, who won’t drink/ Someone like Putin who will make cryptic remarks to French journalists about overseeing botched circumcisions of converts to radical Islam.” Oh, wait. That last line is reality. Upon being challenged by a French reporter about the Russian use of landmines, Putin replied that Chechen rebels were part of a worldwide plan to kill Americans and their allies, then continued, “If you are determined to become a complete Islamic radical and are ready to undergo circumcision, then I invite you to Moscow. We are multi-confessional. We have experts in this sphere as well. I will recommend to conduct the operation so that nothing on you will grow again.” Silence. More silence. Befuddled translators tapped their headphones; peers looked quizzically at the labels on their bottles of vodka. Had the iceman of international politics really lost his cool? Translators are still perplexed by what he meant in that last sentence. Like, he’ll cut you so your dick won’t grow? Dude, that’s fucked up.

Additional assistance, puns, wordplay, and double entendre provided by Jim Jazwiecki and Carrie Hill Wilner.

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