November 16, 2001
Say, Is That a Gun in Your Pocket?
It’s a formula as old as the hills or at least as old as the modern fashion industry: If ya got it, flaunt it. And if ya don’t got it, buy expensive clothing specially crafted to make it look like you do.
This isn’t news to women, who for years have had variations on the padded bra, the bustier and the girdle to cover up (or push up) any perceived flaws in their physical appearance. But men, for some reason, have always had to make do with a well-placed pair of socks or, depending on the occasion, a cucumber wrapped in tin foil. Well, not anymore. According to a Reuters report, British jeans maker Lee Cooper has introduced a line of jeans tastefully named “Packits.” Yes, that’s right, fellas now you too can enhance your pants with a little extra frontal dude-ity. And they’re safe, too though tailored skin-tight, Packits are reportedly made with a special body-friendly denim which, according to a company spokeswoman, allows men to “follow fashion without risking their health or sexual prowess.” And that’s good news indeed. “The bulge has become the fashion statement of the season,” the spokeswoman added, delighting otherwise-mortified teen boys everywhere. “The [jeans] are designed for the ultimate in bulge enhancement . . . so men can put their assets on display.” Actually, it should be noted, Packits aren’t completely new. According to the report, they were initially marketed in the late-’70s, and were popular with, among others, Jon Bon Jovi. And man, that gives love a bad name.
Say, Is That a Bomb on Your Toilet?
Maybe she should have looked a little closer sure, of course she should have. But these are skittish times, even in Canadian donut huts, and when the cleaning woman at Toronto’s Coffee Time Donuts spotted some sort of electronic device on the toilet tank of one of the eatery’s restrooms, well, her cautious response was understandable.
According to a report in the Toronto Star, the woman identified only as Sue was just about to scrub down the Coffee Time men’s room this week when she spotted a ten-inch piece of plastic pipe duct-taped to a chrome cylinder. Backing out of the bathroom (and Lord knows poor Sue ain’t getting paid enough for this crap) the woman called the police and reported her find as a possible pipe bomb. They, in turn, called in the bomb squad who proceeded to evacuate the shop and the neighboring buildings and shut down traffic on the surrounding streets during the morning rush hour. But once the bomb boys arrived on the scene, it took them all of five minutes to figure out just what was taped to the pipe: A chrome, remote-controlled vibrator with the words “Swedish erotica” stenciled right onto it. “When I realized the pipe was hollow,” said Toronto Constable Ken Evans, “obviously we knew we had to have some kind of a hoax.” Evans recognized the device right away for what it was but made the tragic mistake of admitting that fact to his buddy. “My partner didn’t have a clue what it was, so it backfired on me,” he said. Now, says Evans, the fellas down at the station house are givin’ him the business pretty good.
Hey, Drunken Perverts Wanna Help Out, Too
Medical research requires money. Strip joints make money. Some strip joints make money for medical research. So what, exactly, is the problem?
That, apparently, is what Dr. Simon Stertzer of Stanford university thought. Stertzer, a cardiovascular surgeon, bought a trio of Las Vegas nudie bars in September with the expressed intent of using the profits to fund his studies. But according to an Associated Press report, the doctor has already decided to sell the lucrative Palamino Club and two neighboring topless clubs because of the bad publicity he’s received since his plan was made public. No quack, Stertzer reportedly performed the first coronary angioplasty in the nation back in 1978, but his credentials were apparently not enough to overcome what he called the deal’s “adverse characterization” in news reports. “He went in with really great intentions and everyone made a really big deal out of nothing,” said Stertzer’s attorney, Mark C. Nicoletti. “His reaction has been, ‘Why am I getting such a hassle out of it?’ I think he’d just had enough.” Stertzer will reportedly sell off his crack business as well.
“Back in the day, I had friends going, ‘This is awesome dude. You’re bagging Madonna. You’re going out with Madonna. What’s up?’ I was, like, ‘Yeah, this is pretty cool.'”
Onetime star (ack) Vanilla Ice, waxing pathetic about his eight-month relationship with the Material Girl, on Launch.com.
Vanilla Ice again, sounding oddly prudish in dissing the singer’s relationship-killing pictorial, in which he was featured.
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