This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   
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November 17, 2000

A Bush in the Hand

With George W. Bush all on pins and needles over the never-ending election,
and his baby brother Jeb feeling the heat to deliver Florida for the family
dynasty — all while the old man looks on like a guy whose boys just
trashed the new Astrovan — these are trying times for the Bush clan.
So it’s good to know that at least someone in the crew is having fun.


That someone, of course, is sixteen-year-old John Bush, better known in the
family as “Jebby.” The boy — Jeb’s son and Dubya’s nephew — was
reportedly caught a few weeks back having sex with a seventeen-year-old
blonde inside a blue Jeep Cherokee in the parking lot of a Tallahassee
shopping mall. According to the New York Post, Jebby and his
ladyfriend were “naked from the waist down” and engaging in some, uh,
punch-card balloting when Tallahassee Police Sgt. Oscar Brannon happened
upon the couple’s steamy-windowed SUV and broke up the party. Officer Brannon
filed a “sexual misconduct” report because the couple was having sex in
public view, but no arrests were made. Not that Jebby was all that worried
— according to the London Daily Mail, one of the security
officers who filed the claim reassured the girl that Jebby had said, “My dad will fix it.”
Which, interestingly enough, is pretty much what Dubya keeps saying.

Cheeky Monkeys

For years, “safe sex” was the popular watchword, the best way for sexually
active young people (and oldsters too, one presumes) to avoid contracting
some horrible STD. Then, a while back, the almost-quaint notion of
abstinence made a comeback, drawing widespread raves as a fool-proof way of
preventing disease (if a lousy way to release sexual tension). Now, thanks
to new research coming out of the University of Virginia, there may be a
third option, and it could be the most attractive one yet. It seems that
the best way to avoid disease might in fact be to keep right on having sex
— lots and lots of sex, in fact, and with tons of different partners.


Alright now, to be fair, we may be getting ahead of ourselves. The study,
published in the latest issue of the journal Science, doesn’t
actually suggest that you run out and get busy with the first five
people you see in order to stay disease-free. But
the researchers did demonstrate that certain promiscuous species of monkeys
appear to have stronger immune systems than other, less active species.
“The most sexually active species of primates may have evolved elevated
immune systems as a defense mechanism against disease,” said Charles Nunn,
the biology researcher who led the study. Nunn and his colleagues studied
data from zoos around the world and found that the most promiscuous
primates had the highest levels of white blood cells, the body’s defense
against disease, while monogamous species, such as the white-handed gibbon
or the Titi monkey (yes, kids, the Titi monkey), had lower levels. Jeffrey
Frelinger, a microbiology and immunology professor (and overall spoilsport)
from the University of North Carolina, was quick to point out to the
Associated Press that the study doesn’t prove cause and effect between
promiscuity and white-cell count, nor does it examine the ability of the
white cells to fight infection. Whatever.

War Over! Porn Wins!

The War on Porn is a lonely crusade — and getting lonelier each day no
doubt, what with the fierce tide of smut (literate or otherwise) steadily
on the rise. But perhaps nowhere is the Battle of the Bulges more thankless
than in Los Angeles, where dirty movies are much, much more than a
diversion — they’re a $4 billion-a-year business. So when it was
reported this week by the Associated Press that the county’s once-proud
porn commission — that’s anti-porn, for those of you
understandably confused — has dwindled to a volunteer panel with no
staff, no budget and no regular meetings, well, was anyone really
surprised? According to the report, the L.A. County Commission on Obscenity
and Pornography popped into existence in 1964 and enjoyed some heady days
in the Edwin Meese eighties (when America was young and naked people were
outlaws). But for the past three years, the commission hasn’t even met, and
now some folks are starting to question the sense of keeping the panel
— after all, what’s good for the panel is bad for business.


But hey, don’t be too quick to write the panel off as a bunch of elderly
prudes. According to Cecil Peterson, the eighty-one-year-old former
commissioner, the group did evince a certain sense of adventure back
in its early days. Says Peterson, at one particularly frisky meeting, the
members of the panel agreed to pop a few of the embattled videos into a VCR
and settle in for a show. Alas, their enthusiasm didn’t last much past the
credits. “I said, ‘Shut it off!'” Peterson explained. “I know what it’s all
about, and the others agreed with me.”

Quotes of the Week

“If you get caught up with the ass, that’s just like going to a baseball
game and standing outside the stadium all night long going, ‘That’s a nice
fucking building, dude.'”

— 2 Live Crew’s Luther Campbell, explaining proper
stripper-viewing technique in Stuff.

“Now if I want to see four dirty girls talk about sex, I have to watch
The View.”

Late Late Show host Craig Kilborn, on the Sex and
the City
hiatus, as quoted in the New York Post.

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©2000 Dan Reines and, Inc.