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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“I’m sorry.”

— Mark Simpson, the writer who coined the term “metrosexual.”

Michael Jackson Even Creepier, Again

At this point, observing Michael Jackson’s predicament is worse than rubbernecking. It’s more like straight up breaking-into-the-morgue-with-a-crowbar-and-some-Crisco necrophilia. We feel molested for even reading that he’s been arrested on charges of child molestation. But the news is the news, and we’re committed to bringing it to you even if it means coming to terms with long-repressed memories of Uncle Scott in his Speedo.

Officials in Santa Barbara, California, plan to charge Jackson with multiple counts of “lewd and lascivious conduct” with a child under fourteen, who remains unidentified and possibly catatonic. Jackson hasn’t made too good a showing for himself lately, claiming in a February BBC interview that he had shared his bed with many children, but continuing: “Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone. It’s a beautiful thing.” Actually, you know what’s a beautiful thing? Not being a total skeeve. Just a thought.

As funny as molestation is, and as beautiful as bed-sharing is, the real humor and beauty in this story lies in the back-and-forth among Jackson’s publicist, Santa Barbara DA Thomas W. Sneddon Jr. and Sheriff Jim Anderson. They, by the way, should totally give us a call if they’re ever in New York, because they sound like a fucking blast. When Michael’s spokesman insinuated that the warrant was timed to overshadow the release of a “Greatest Hits” collection, Sneddon responded, “Like the sheriff and I are into that kind of music.” As if! — Carrie Hill Wilner

Newswire

Another Paris Hilton lawsuit.

Sex improves immune system?

Rise in syphilis cases reported.

Orgasms as a disease?

Soccer team blames loss on too much porn.

If By “Sacred Institution,” You Mean “Decades of Arguing Over ‘Homestyle’ or Pulp-Free Orange Juice, We Might Concur

On Tuesday, in a four-to-three decision, the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled that the state cannot bar same-sex couples from marrying. The court gave the state legislature six months to rewrite the state’s marriage laws accordingly. And it gave politicos and pundits one more opportunity to prove themselves morons.

President Bush said, “Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. I will work with congressional leaders and others to do what is legally necessary to defend the sanctity of marriage.” Um, okay, you do that, Mr. President. So you have nothing more important to do than deny gay couples the pleasure of prenups and divorce lawyers?

Jerry Falwell preached that Massachusetts was being used to “endorse moral perversion.” Right. Because when you envision a roiling den of iniquity, a modern-day Gomorrah, you think . . . Boston!

Rush Limbaugh told audiences that producing and raising children was “the primary reason for marriage.” Funny, we thought he got married so he’d have a silent drug mule in the house.

Meanwhile, most of the 2004 Democratic presidential candidates stood united — behind statements that said absolutely nothing:

Joe Lieberman: “Although I am opposed to gay marriage, I have long believed…”

John Kerry: “While I continue to oppose gay marriage, I believe…”

Richard Gephardt: “I do not support gay marriage, but…”

John Edwards: “Gays and lesbians are entitled to equal respect and dignity under our laws.”

Our laws? Speak for yourself, bub. Only Dennis Kucinich fully supported the decision, stating, “Moral perversion? SCORE!”

— Tobin Levy

Quiz

This image is being used in an ad for . . .

a. The film Teen Anal Extravaganza III

b. A new PlayStation 2 game

c. www.whatisonmyass.com

d. The most popular Thai exercise video ever

Scroll down for answer.

Girls Gone Wild 8: Walden Pond

We always liked those “life-experience” homework assignments. For example, instead of reading about the civil court system, you would sit in on proceedings, where that guy who had been arrested for
possession and looked great in handcuffs so winked at you. Well, it seems that Stephanie Haaser and Katherine Pecore, two eleventh-graders at River Hill High School in Clarksville, Maryland, find similar enjoyment in hands-on learning. After receiving an English assignment to engage in a non-conformist act inspired by the works of Transcendentalists Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson, Haaser (who, for the record, is transcendentally hot), leapt onto a cafeteria table, shouted “End homophobia now!” and kissed Pecore (of whom we could not find a picture), for an estimated ten to fifteen seconds.

While principal Scott Feifer insists River Hill prides itself on its respect for diversity, the two girls were suspended for what he described as generally disruptive behavior. Feifer explains: “It’s highly inappropriate to stand on a table in the cafeteria and make out, whether the kiss was heterosexual or homosexual. I don’t think there’s a school in the country where parents would consider that appropriate behavior.” As much as we’d like to support Haaser and Pecore in their quest against injustice, we might have to side with The Man and his anti-PDA
stance on this one. — CHW

Answer to Quiz

B.

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