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A Most Unholy Trinity

Sometimes we forget why we bring you TWIS. Then, all of a sudden, we’re presented with the opportunity to bring you news of multiple second-rate celebrities arrested for sexual deviance, and we remember why we do this: to rediscover the idealistic passion hidden beneath our businesslike exterior. This week’s anti-heroes are Jeffrey Jones (a.k.a. Principal Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), Rick James (everyone’s favorite Superfreak), and default creepy celebrity Paul Reubens (Pee-Wee Herman). Principal Rooney was charged with using a minor for sex acts and possession of child pornography. Reubens, who turned himself in, was also charged with possessing kiddie porn. Both were arrested in Los Angeles. Both had their large collections of erotic art confiscated. The symmetry is astounding and beautiful, the product of a moment of perfected collective consciousness matched only by humanity’s greatest artistic achievements: the Parthenon, for one, springs to mind. Rick James, though also arrested in that glowing apex of human achievement and artistry known as Los Angeles, is the odd man out. He’s been charged with plain old sexual assault and has no erotic art collection to speak of. Dilettante!

Sex Please, We’re British

The old “no sex, we’re British” stereotype was dealt a double blow this week. On Monday parliamentary reforms that will overhaul the country’s sex laws were announced. While, for the most part, new rules are being drafted to protect children and to clear up gray areas with regards to sexual consent and rape, the new legislation also states that “outdoor sexual activity will no longer be a criminal offence, as long as it is away from unwilling witnesses.” Let me break that down for you: Randy limeys will soon be permitted by law to fuck in the streets. As if this were not excitement enough for the British, two of the country’s most respectable department stores have started selling sex toys and raunchy underwear in their collections for the Christmas shopper. A black, designer vibrator, ingeniously dubbed “The Bone” and priced at £199 ($300), has already taken center stage in the window of Selfridges on London’s Oxford Street. Can you imagine popping into JC Penney to pick up a dildo and a cock ring? Retail analyst Richard Cains says stores are catching on to the fact that the Brits are finally coming to term with their sexual desires. “It is definitely a reflection of people’s attitudes towards all things sexual,” Cains says. Meanwhile, hacks at The Late Show are concerned that a proposed increase in government spending in the British dental sector will put them out of work for good.

If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get

Women. Give ’em an inch, they’ll take a mile. We told you a couple of weeks ago that Iranian women were granted the right to drive buses and were the focus of a new motorcycle advertising campaign. We were happy. We saw progress toward gender equality being made in a society where women were traditionally undervalued and oppressed. Well, apparently it’s only taken two weeks for that progress to reach the point where Iran has been conquered by Amazons who vent their wrath on the hapless men who get in their way. A court in southern Tehran recently reviewed a case involving an Iranian woman who sliced off one of her husband’s ears and placed it in the palm of his own hand. The husband’s offense? He had the gall to question why his wife had come home late. The Van Gogh job was an attempt, the wife claims, to get her husband to mind his own business. And indeed, one’s own business is usually the first thing one tends to when the business in question is a gaping head wound. In the hospital, the mutilated Persian cupped his one remaining ear thinking he could hear the distant rumble of a tremor only to be told that it was the Ayatollah spinning in his grave.

Well, Marc Almond is Skinny

A diet more terrifying than the Atkins, more wretched than the Slim-Fast plan and even more far-fetched than the Jarred method — losing weight by stuffing copious amounts of bread and meat down your throat — has been conceived by a chubby porn star in sunny southern California. The Santa Monica woman is attempting to lose weight in a manner others may not be able to stomach — an all-semen diet. No really. Starting December 1, Kim Kelly hopes to lose between ten and twenty pounds by spending thirty days on a diet consisting almost entirely of semen — or, as she prefers, “man juice.” It may be hard for you to swallow, but Kelly is shooting for at least six servings of the reproductive mucus per day. So far, more than eight hundred men have offered to help Kelly with her diet, and she’s currently screening applicants for STDs. Although nutrition experts agree “man juice” is high in zinc and other nutrients, there’s no officially recommended daily allowance. Shame on you FDA! Therefore, Kelly says she plans to drink plenty of banana smoothies in between her regular servings of sperm. “I’m not going to kill myself for this,” says Kelly. Yeah, now that would be reckless.

Assistance provided by Carrie Hill Wilner.

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