November 24, 2000
Horny Housewives for Jesus
For a year, Ivan Keslar was the most hated man in all of Mt. Pleasant,
Pennsylvania, the despicable varmint who wanted to poison the community
with “Uncle Ivan’s Adult Playhouse,” an exotic dance club and adult
bookstore planned for Route 819. Citizens rallied against him, the mayor
fought him and even his own family ostracized him. But now now that
it’s all over now it can be told. Ivan Keslar did it all for God.
That’s right, Ivan Keslar tried to build a combination strip bar and dirty
book shop, and he did it for the Lord. Well, that is, he pretended
to try to build the all-in-one pleasure palace. In truth, both Uncle Ivan
and his playhouse were fakes, just a ruse the twenty-nine-year-old Keslar
adopted in order to draw attention to pornography and to force local
governments to regulate it more stringently. And according to Mt. Pleasant
Mayor Gerald Lucia, Keslar’s devious plot actually worked: “Oh, I would
have to be the first to say yes,” Lucia told WTAE-TV in Pittsburgh. “It was
a wake-up call. It rang the bell and said, ‘Let’s get out of the gate.'”
Among those responding to the wake-up call was Cindy Frye, who organized
Citizens Against Pornography to fight Uncle Ivan and who was reportedly
“shocked” to find out the truth. Meanwhile, Keslar, who told only three
people of his plan, including his minister, explained that “Uncle Ivan was
a character that I made up, just like Hulk Hogan in the WWF.” Keslar added
that his next target will be convenience stores that sell pornographic
magazines, though this time, he’ll take them on under his own name.
Wait a minute: Hulk Hogan’s fake?
Piece in the Middle East
So the Israelis may never rule the world in international soccer (alright
alright, they definitely won’t). But if their recent track record is any
indication, at least they’re having fun trying. A whole hell
of a lot of fun.
For the second time in a year, one of the country’s national teams is
embroiled in a sex scandal, and this time it’s serious. Last year, you may
remember, an undisclosed number of members of the Israeli national team
were accused of bringing call girls to their hotel the night before an
embarrassing 5-0 loss to Denmark. At the time, the names of the offending
players were kept private, and the entire team donated its bonuses to
children’s charities. Now, according to the Associated Press, Israel’s
national under-21 team has actually been disbanded pending investigation of
allegations that seven of the players were involved in an orgy with a
single eighteen-year-old woman the night before an October 11 home game
against Bosnia. For what it’s worth, Israel won that game, 2-1, which just
goes to show that, in soccer, teamwork is everything.
A Thanksgiving Cornucopia of Quotes
“Imagine waking up with someone and you’re in that spooning, cuddly mode.
No one’s spoken. You take the chance of saying that first sweet nothing.
And as you take that first breath and utter maybe one syllable, the person
turns to you and says, ‘Not yet.’ That’s pretty . . . funny. I think that’s sexy.”
The Practice star Lara Flynn Boyle, explaining in
Us Weekly just what’s so damn hot about former beau Jack Nicholson.
“She’s just too darn little for me.”
Seven-foot-one Lakers star Shaquille O’Neal, on why he and
pop star Britney Spears are just friends, in Gear.
“It was very casual but a bit bizarre. They were having fun I guess
he had some Princess Leia fantasy.”
An unnamed attendee at Carrie Fisher’s forty-fourth birthday party,
telling New York magazine about having seen Fisher making out with
young hunk Ben Affleck.
“Hooters are nice. Nice hooters are nice. People think I have nice hooters.
I like that!”
Cheryl Ladd, who reportedly has a fine set of hooters, in