This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Young, Dumb, Best Part of a Ton

Call her the “Giant Killer Hooker.” No, she’s not a character out of a Russ Meyer fantasy flick. She’s the real thing, a five-foot-six, 300-pound good-time girl known as Rachel “Pooch” Johnson. Two years ago, Pooch, a Midwestern gal living in Peoria, Illinois, got a business call from a five-foot-four customer who weighed in at a meager 115 pounds. Pooch arrived at the customer’s apartment and tried to steal his wallet. In the ensuing mismatched battle, Pooch roughed up her Lilliputian client, then sat on his chest until he stopped kicking. Super-sized Pooch got five years for manslaughter but was paroled after only twenty-four months. A former Burger King employee — and presumably a much valued patron — Pooch was arrested in August on a totally separate count of felony prostitution. She could serve six years for the prostitution charges and is due to be sentenced in the next few weeks. Once again, for those in the back, that’s a five-year sentence (of which she served only two) for killing somebody and a possible six-year stint for selling her ample body. Will this incident finally force lawmakers to reevaluate the state’s archaic prostitution laws? Fat chance.

Cisco Inferno

In America, it’s the time of year when poultry is being roasted from sea to shining sea. One European scientist, however, recently got the wrong end of the Thanksgiving stick and ended up singeing a different kind of cock. Laptops have always been a . . . ahem, hot item, but an unnamed fifty-year-old scientist didn’t realize to what extent until he left his computer resting on his lap for too long and burned his penis. The scientist recalled feeling a burning sensation in his pants after about an hour of work on the computer. The following day his penis was red and irritated, but it wasn’t until he was examined by a doctor that he realized how much damage had been done. “The ventral part of his scrotal skin had turned red, and there was a blister with a diameter of about two centimeters (0.8 inches),” Claes-Gorn Ostenson, of the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, wrote in a letter published in The Lancet medical journal Friday. After about a week the unidentified scientist was “healing quite rapidly” but rumor has it he is still telling women on the street that there’s a fire raging in his pants.

The Oldest Swinger in Town

Michael Douglas, take heart. A tribal chief in Southern India, believed to be more than 120 years old, says he has fathered far too many children to remember all of them. The Hindustan Times reports the Mudda Moopan, the king of the Karumba tribe in Kerala, can only remember the names of sixteen of his twenty-three wives. His latest wife is in her early thirties and his youngest child is just eleven years old. This dude was still doing the nasty at the ripe old age of 109! Looking more like a walking scrotum than an actual human being, Moopan claims the secret of his longevity and virility lies in a paste made of ten rare medicinal herbs that he takes three times a day, but he is unwilling to reveal what they are. “Once an English woman came and stayed with me for days together,” the old kook wheezed. “She was spying on my treatment methods. One morning she disappeared.” Hmmm. The Queen Mum’s personal assistant perhaps?

Rum, Sodomy and the Lash

Louisiana legislators continued to blaze a trail well into the nineteenth century this week by folding their arms and saying “Nay” to a proposed change to a state sodomy law. The 197-year-old law, which specifically outlaws both oral and anal sex, was upheld by a state appeals court despite a challenge from the Louisiana Electorate of Gays and Lesbians Inc., a group which maintains that the law discriminates against those gay and lesbian folks who have been brave enough to stay put in the banjo-pluckin’, grits-eatin’, gator- wrestlin’ backwater. The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled 2-1 on Wednesday against the gay advocacy group, leaving Louisiana’s sodomy law intact. “This decision continues to put Louisiana outside the mainstream,” said John D. Rawls, an attorney for the Louisiana homosexuals. “We are still the only state whose courts deny a right to privacy to its citizens; we are still the only state whose courts have upheld sodomy laws.” Indeed, the official books continue to give even the briefest blowjob between consenting adults the ominous moniker “crime against nature.” Come on, now. Scientists growing tits on the back of a lobster maybe, but a blowjob?

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