November 30, 2001
Is It a School Holiday?
Mark your calendars, people. There’s a party goin’ on down in Brazil next May.
May 9, to be exact. That’s the day set aside by the city of Esperantina as the first annual Orgasm Day. According to the Jornal do Brasil newspaper, city Councilor Arimateia Dantas initiated the idea after grappling with his own orgasmic difficulties. Specifically, he said, “my ex-partner was very hot, but she took such a time to reach the orgasm and I couldn’t wait for her.” Thinking like a true politician, Dantas surveyed Esperantina’s sexually active women (how exactly, we don’t know) and found that only twenty-eight percent of them enjoyed orgasms every time they have sex. And so, Dantas and his councilmates have asked Esperantina’s 35,000 people to work extra, uh, hard to achieve sexual satisfaction for at least one day next year. Alas, as you might expect, not everyone’s as thrilled by this news as, say, we are. Mayor José Inaldo Franco called the holiday a “pornographic project,” adding that “I am ashamed.” And we all know it ain’t a party until someone’s ashamed.
A Solution at Last!
Well, at least they’re making progress. With the AIDS crisis raging out of control, politicians in Africa have a nasty habit of blaming and punishing teenage girls for what is obviously a much bigger problem. Now, a comedian in South Africa has a different theory. According to Pieter-Dirk Uys, the AIDS epidemic is being caused, at least in part, by the color of latex. And no, we don’t think he’s joking.
According to the Independent Online, Uys told a group of business leaders at Cape Town’s Bay Hotel that the reason people aren’t having safe sex is that “condoms are made for white people. Black kids tell me they don’t use them becase they look ugly and the kids are laughed at when they wear them,” explained Uys. “I got some [black condoms] from the Kondomerie the famous sex shop in Amsterdam and black teenagers were saying to me ‘Oh yes, where can I get some of those?'” Ivan Toms, Cape Town’s city director of Health, responded with a surprising bit of reason, saying, “I am not convinced that the issue of black condoms is the biggest problem. There is resistance people find all sorts of reasons not to use condoms.” Then, in a Politician Moment worthy of Brazil’s Arimateia Dantas, Toms added, “Let’s test the idea in a survey.”
The Complaints Roll In
People go to prison for a reason. They go to get away from it all, to escape the mundane hassles of daily life, like traffic, long lines at the ATM and screaming babies. And, of course, they go to escape the scourge of free, uninhibited sex. Really now, who wants to see that when you’re killing time up the river?
Well, according to a report in the local Evening Mail, that’s exactly what inmates were forced to endure this week at the Brockhill Women’s Prison near Redditch, England. No, not the sex itself but a pornographic film was accidentally transmitted to the televisions in prisoners’ individual cells at the Brockhill Women’s Prison on Monday, causing great distress to . . . well, to someone, apparently. Authorities have begun investigating the incident, and a prison spokesman told the Mail that “the governor has set up an internal inquiry as these kind of allegations are taken very seriously.” According to the spokesman, the televisions are generally used for less exciting fare, like training videos to help new inmates adjust to prison life, but in this case, “a pornographic video was somehow beamed through a loop system connecting the television sets in their cells.” The spokesman added, “The inmates concerned have been asked to make an official complaint, but to date we have not received one.” Oh yeah. Any minute now.
I Wish They All Could Be California Girls
Run for the hills, boys — the naked girls are back!
It seems like only yesterday that we told you about Dona “La Tigresa” Nieto, the California performance artist and environmental activist who led a group of five women in a topless protest against logging redwoods. The women, who burned sage and shivered in the Northern California town of Westport, actually managed to stop the logging that time for about half a day, at least and were clearly encouraged by their success, because according to a Reuters report, La Tigresa is back. Only this time, she’s got more women and a new twist.
According to the report, Nieto recently brought nine women to the hotly contested Headwaters Forest and, once again demonstrating a fundamental misunderstanding of basic protest tactics, had them all strip to the waist and belly dance for the loggers. “To log the hole in the Headwaters is like raping a virgin,” said Nieto, “because the Headwaters Forest Preserve is supposed to be kept intact and virginal.” Uh huh. Nieto, whose topless temptresses also handed out chocolate to passers-by, says the women tied up traffic for about two hours with their “Goddess-based, nude Buddhist guerrilla poetry,” until police arrived to clear things up. Meanwhile, at least one logger reportedly got down on his knees and kissed the earth in thanks for his good fortune a response that surprised one of the protesters, a twenty-two-year-old named “Maple.” Ah, Maple. You have much to learn.
Quotes of the Week
“Most artists don’t want to be affiliated with pornos, but I figured if I play my music on a porno, while you’re at home having fun and doing your thing, as soon as you get done, you gotta go get that Snoop album.”
Marketing wiz Snoop Dogg, on his new deal to put his music in Larry Flynt’s hardcore movies, on Access Hollywood.
Actress Cate Blanchett on her wet and sticky role in The Shipping News, in Premiere. (Is it hot in here? Anyone else hot? No?)
Did we miss any sex in the news? Send the story to firstname.lastname@example.org.