This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   
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December 1, 2000

Better Homes and Dungeons

So you’ve decided to open a dungeon in your basement — a kinky-sex
kind of dungeon. Kudos, friend — you’ve made a bold choice. But now,
naturally, you’ve got questions. Like, Where can I get a good Cat o’ Nine
Tails? And, How does one properly care for a Cat o’ Nine Tails? And, by far
the most important, What are the liability implications of using a Cat o’
Nine Tails during the normal course of business in my home dungeon?


Good questions, all. And while the Kink Aware Professionals web site (here) probably can’t do
much for you on the first two counts, they’re exactly the folks to
help you with question number three. Newly launched, the KAP is a referral
network that helps people with “kinky” sexual lifestyles hook up with
helpful professionals who, while perhaps not kinky themselves, are at least
“kink aware,” and sympathetic to the discrete needs of those who are. So
say you need an attorney to help you draw up a three-way marriage-style
contract and you don’t feel like ringing up your family lawyer, well, the
KAP can help. And it ain’t just for legal aid, either: the site also offers
references for kink-friendly doctors, therapists, accountants, and
dentists, among others. Even clergymen get in on the act; offers one
California minister in her KAP site write-up, “I do funerals, weddings,
affirmations of love, baptisms and collaring ceremonies.”

The Chosen Pimp

Sigh. We simply are not paying our clergy well enough.


How else would you explain the arrest this week of Chicago-area cantor
Gordon Joel Gordon on charges that he ran a house of prostitution?
Actually, to be quite accurate, the redundantly named Gordon was charged
with operating three such establishments, all of them “massage
parlors” located in private apartments in the suburbs. According to the
Chicago Daily Herald, Gordon — who helped interpret the Jewish
liturgy through song for Congregation Shirat Emet in Buffalo Grove until
the synagogue folded earlier this year — allegedly scheduled
appointments for all three parlors, which featured massages performed by
nude women and at which female employees offered sexual favors for money.
But as we all know, pimpin’ ain’t easy, and Cook County sheriff’s deputies
raided all three locations last Tuesday, arresting both Gordon and his
wife, Alison Ginsberg, who was saddled with the added charge of
prostitution. “I simply can’t believe that they could have been involved in
all this,” said Cantor Roger Weissberg, who sang at the Gordon-Ginsberg
wedding in August. What we do know is that somewhere out there are a couple of
very upset Jewish mothers.

Um, Could I Get a Receipt?

And now a word for our business traveller friends reading this on their
Palm Pilots (and we’re sure there are dozens): we know you screw around.
Stop — it’s no use arguing, we know all about it, and it’s fine. We’re
not here to judge. But we do have some advice: should you decide to indulge
in a little harmless hookers-and-booze wackiness next time you’re out on
the lonely road — well, consider eating the cost yourself. No, seriously.


We only mention it because no one was there to give the same advice to a
certain Swede a while back, and alas, it has landed him in a bucket of hot
water. It seems the fifty-four-year-old man, who went unnamed in a Reuters
report but who shall hereafter be known as “Olaf the Fool,” apparently rang
up quite a bill on prostitutes and champagne while scouting convention
spots for the city of Malmo’s leisure department. According to the report,
our man then expensed the entire trip — including nearly $30,000 in,
yes, hookers-and-booze wackiness — to the city. Sadly, Malmo’s
bean-counters were paying attention, and poor Olaf was nailed for “a
serious breach of faith toward his employer” by a Malmo court and ordered
to perform 180 hours of community service. Which, coincidentally, is about
the amount of time it takes to run up thirty grand in hooker fees.

Quote of the Week

“You see so many vaginas during a normal course of a working day that when
we leave work we just want to have a rest from them. I suppose it’s a bit
like a porn star.”

— An unnamed — and perhaps a touch deluded — gynecologist,
explaining to the Times of London why men in his field have dreary
sex lives, statistically speaking.

“This is Logan Day’s wife. I’ve never met her, but apparently she’s got
tits that’d stop a—”

— An unnamed — and soon-to-be-sacked — CBC announcer,
talking about the daughter-in-law of conservative Canadian politician
Stockwell Day. The comments were inadvertently broadcast across British
Columbia before a vigilant technician pulled the plug on the feed.

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©2000 Dan Reines and, Inc.