This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review

Q: Why do Canadians fuck doggie style? A: So they can both watch the hockey game, eh? Ordinarily, if a professional sportsman delved into his underpants and pulled out something hard during a nationally televised game, the crowd would be scandalized, the coach would fume and soft-drink sponsors would scurry away screaming into the night. But when Edmonton Oilers goalkeeper Tommy Salo recently pulled a puck, rather than a prick, out of his pants, thousands of sports-mad Canuks gave him a standing ovation. The puck became stuck down Salo’s pants after a shot by a Minnesota Wild player bounced off of his jersey. Nobody, apart from the instantly refreshed Salo, knew where the puck had gone. Said Salo’s coach, Craig MacTavish, “Tommy pulled one out of his pants. I don’t even want to guess where that puck finally ended up. You’ll have to ask him what it feels like.” Salo explained: “I felt it get inside the back of my pants.” After Salo’s save, his teammate Mike York scored at the other end, sealing a 2-1 victory. Understandably, York declined to keep the puck as a souvenir.

Sodom Hussein

Alanis Morrisette’s woefully inaccurate use of the term “ironic” sparked an alarming increase in the misuse of the word, but let there be no more confusion: the international standard for irony was set this week. First, it was revealed that a Virginian member of the UN Iraq weapons-inspection team was a founding officer of the Leather Leadership Conference, a past president of an S&M club called the Black Rose and a bondage instructor in Leather University’s Dungeon 501. Then, four days later, the United Kingdom’s foreign office released a report detailing human rights abuses committed by the government of Saddam Hussein. Atrocities documented in Iraq include eye gouging, piercing of hands with an electric drill, suspension from the ceiling, and electric shock. Atrocities documented at Leather University include gimp masks, nipple clips, suspension from the ceiling and electric shock. A timely reminder that one man’s recreation is another man’s torture. Like rain on your wedding day, don’t cha think?

Liar, Liar!

So what are a large percentage of British women doing when they’re lying in bed? According to a supermarket tabloid’s “scientific report,” they’re lying in bed. England’s That’s Life! magazine has released a study which reveals that ninety-eight percent of British women fib about their lover’s competence in the sack. The regional statistics, however, truly reveal the sordid character of a not-so-United Kingdom. For example, thirty-four percent of Welsh women would sleep with their bosses to earn a promotion. (When pushed, a full hundred percent said they would do it if it meant they could get the hell out of Wales.) Eighty-six percent of Yorkshire women plan to get extremely drunk at their office Christmas party — the other fourteen percent presumably intend to arrive that way. Forty percent of women in the Midlands would gossip about sleeping with a famous person (as opposed to the only one percent of celebrities who’d admit to having sex with someone from the Midlands). And if your East Anglian girlfriend says she loves you, there’s a twenty-nine percent chance she’s a perfidious wench.

Prison Jism

We all know the popular methods for getting forbidden items into prison: Bundt cakes, body cavities, etc. But how difficult is it to smuggle something out of prison — especially when that something happens to be a vial of an inmate’s semen? It took a while, but eventually Kevin and Regina Granato beat the system and have a three-year-old child to show for their cunning plan. The Staten Island girl was conceived while her mobster father, who’s serving more than twenty years at Allenwood Federal Penitentiary for his role as a Colombo crime family hit man, was incarcerated. Her parents have now been indicted for smuggling his sperm out of a federal prison. After depositing his goo in a cryogenic sperm kit, crafty Kevin gave a guard at the Pennsylvania low-security prison $5,000 to hand the contraband jism to Regina. Regina hotfooted it to a New York fertility clinic, and voila, she got nine months.

Assistance provided by Carrie Hill Wilner.

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