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December 7, 2001



War Is Hell, Part 116



Tobacco. It’s a recession-proof industry. Liquor, too — folks always gonna need their booze, especially during the down times. And then there’s sex. Things’d have to get pretty bad before sex stopped being high-priority, wouldn’t you think?


    

Yeah well. Things must be pretty bad.


    

According to a Reuters report, prostitutes in Germany, the Netherlands and Thailand — all of them traditional prostitution powerhouses — have reported significant drops in business since September 11, and they’re blaming the decline on both the faltering world economy and the threat of terrorism. “Men don’t seem to have as much money for pleasure anymore,” says Jessie, a Berlin prostitute who claims demand is off by twenty percent. A spokeswoman for Hydra, a lobby representing some 400,000 German prostitutes, adds, “Tough economic times usually hit the male libido. They worry about money.” Meanwhile, reduced travel in the wake of the September 11 attacks has also taken its toll, according to a salesman at ABC Videosexshop, an Amsterdam-based, uh, videosexshop. “Fewer and fewer people are coming to Amsterdam,” said the salesman. “No Americans, no Japanese. You just don’t see them.”


    

Not that everyone’s taking all this dire news, er, lying down. According to the Romanian newspaper The National, prostitutes in that country have begun taking clients on credit, allowing Romanian men to keep the trains running during the lean time between paydays. “I increased my income ten times since I started to use this method,” says one Bucharest pimp, sounding conspicuously like he’s filming an infomercial. “The people are honest — when they get their wages they come and give me the money.” In fact, according to the report, the system has led to a newfound sense of generosity among Romanians — not unlike Americans’ renewed sense of community. “I once spent my whole salary,” says one john. “I treated all my neighbors with girls on my account.”



Warning: Objects Are Closer Than They Appear



Tell you one thing: That’s the last time Greg Bonnett sits on Pervert Row.


    

According to a Reuters report, Bonnett, a Coquitlam, British Columbia man, has filed suit against a local strip club and one of its dancers after breaking his nose in a freak ogling accident. Apparently, Bonnett was at the oddly named Barnet Motor Inn in New Westminster, B.C., when a dancer swung around a pole and kicked him in the face — fracturing his nose and, no doubt, absolutely making some dude’s bachelor party. Not content to take his beating like a man, Bonnett is seeking damages from the club and the dancer — the latter for allegedly “dancing in a negligent and reckless manner” and the former for not posting signs warning of sitting too close to the stage. Only in America. (Oh wait . . . )



A Politician with Balls



Politics can be rough. Really rough. But this rough?


    

Word out of Chile this week is that the body politic has taken a serious blow after one national politician accused another of kneeing him in the testicles during what was obviously a very heated campaign. According to Las Ultimas Noticias, Social Democrat Mario Gonzalez says rival MP and Christian Democrat Mario Acuña assaulted him after Gonzalez complained about his opponent’s campaigning style. (That’ll learn him.) Though Acuña’s campaign team denies the allegations, Gonzalez says, “As you might imagine, the blow left me doubled up,” and yes, we might imagine, though we’d prefer not to. “Apart from the pain, I felt impotent,” Gonzalez continues, though it’s not what you’re thinking. “I felt impotent because I remembered that, as an MP, he’s probably immune from prosecution.” Maybe so, Mario, but we’re betting he ain’t immune from a little ass-kickin’ . . .



Quotes of the Week



“Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will toward the pole . . . And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror — she will surely want to pitch her tent.”



— From Christopher Hart‘s novel Rescue Me, which this week was given the annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award by the British Literary Review.





“The plaintiff is not, and has never been, homosexual and has never had a homosexual affair.”



— An official statement approved by Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Emilie Elias, who ruled in favor of Tom Cruise in his latest defamation lawsuit. Still though. I mean, come on. Never? Never ever?


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.