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The Real Summer of 69

Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, Barenaked Ladies, Rush. Hot damn! Canadian music has always been hella sexy. But a musician from Winnipeg, Canada, has fused song and sweet, sweet lovemaking like never before — with an album of his sex noises. The appropriately named Aaron Funk, a musician who records under the moniker Venetian Snares, sampled boot-knocking sessions with his girlfriend and turned them into music. Taking a leaf out of the Police’s big book of silly names to call your album, the raunchy platter has been dubbed Nymphomatriarch, and is due to be released next year. “People I’ve played it for don’t believe it,” Funk told reporters. “It’s weird to deconstruct the sounds of sex. It makes you conscious of a lot of stuff you’d normally ignore. I remember thinking, like, ‘Oh, that slap will make a good snare drum.’ Or, ‘Wow, that was a freakish set of grunts and moans — I want to make that into a choir later.'” Completed tracks include “Hymen Tramp Choir,” “Pervs” and the soon-to-be-classic “Blood on the Rope.” Funk’s next project is to produce a track out of sounds sampled from the bathroom at a Loverboy gig.

Initial Pubic Offering

Not to perpetuate stereotypes or anything, but we’ve heard a rumor that some Europeans tend to appreciate copious amounts of hair between their legs. Now, as if there weren’t enough going on down there, Spanish-born lingerie designer Jose Monino has created a matching bra and panties made entirely from human hair. Explained Monino, who sells the hairy underwear for $3,000 a set: “I was working with hair extensions when it popped into my head that it might be possible to weave something more complicated. I started playing around with a few possibilities, and the idea for hair underwear was born.” The designer told German reporters that the underwear is expensive because it’s very time-consuming to make: the hair has to be washed thoroughly several times, then woven together, and most of it is lost along the way. Sure, it sounds stupid at first, but so did The Bachelor — oh, wait …

Love-Hungry Man

The Germans are renowned for pushing the envelope when it comes to bizarre sexual behavior. But a recent development in the Rhineland makes wearing lederhosen while shitting in people’s mouths look like child’s play. Two years ago, a forty-year-old man posted a personals ad. He specified that the man of his dreams be well-built, between the ages of eighteen and thirty, and willing to, uh, be slaughtered. The bloodthirsty lothario confessed this week to murdering and eating a respondant, whom he claims volunteered to be killed. According to prosecutors, the accused and the victim were gay and shared cannibalistic tendencies. National papers report that the victim, a computer engineer from Berlin, sold all his possessions before disappearing. An autopsy revealed that he died from deep cuts to the neck. The killer then chopped up the body and kept the parts, including the victim’s penis, in the fridge for later consumption. It’s always sad when blind dates take a turn for the wurst

‘Tis the Season to be Sorry

British researchers have found that more than two million Brits make fools of themselves each year at their company Christmas party. The report, compiled by Corporate IFA Momentum Financial Services, indicates that nearly half the working population of the United Kingdom (13.2 million people) will attend their office’s Christmas party this year. However, one-fifth of English employees say their cheap-ass company won’t be having a party. That could be just as well: of the 2.3 million people who admitted to doing something embarrassing at their office party, just less than half have danced inappropriately. Nearly one-third have played tonsil hockey with a colleague. Nearly a quarter have blown chunks in front of their co-workers. More than one in five have busted their bosses’ balls. Another twenty percent have flashed a part of their anatomy. Four percent have photocopied either their breasts, buttocks or genitalia. Twenty-two percent then unwittingly decided to photocopy their face, resulting in ninety-nine percent of the party to laugh their asses off.

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