December 14, 2001
Nerve Gift Ideas, Part I
In the wake of 9/11, people the world over are searching for ways to do some good, to lend a hand to their fellow man. Maybe you’re searching for the same thing especially in this here Season of Giving. Yeah well, you’re in luck, ’cause have we got a fellow-man-in-need for you.
His name’s Kai Staemmler, and he’s a nineteen-year-old kid from Flensburg, in northern Germany. And according to Ananova.com, he’s gone and fallen in love with a beautiful girl Julia Schmid’s her name whom he met at a disco in nearby Kiel. Now, that alone would be enough to evoke most people’s heartfelt sympathy, but there’s more. Yup, like always, there’s a catch.
See, it seems that Julia knows Kai a little too well for Kai’s own good apparently, he’s got a history of lovin’ and leavin’ Julia’s friends, and she doesn’t trust him when he says, as he does on his website, that this is “really the first time in my life that I properly fell in love with a girl.” So she’s asked him for a show of good faith before she’ll sleep with him and it ain’t a ring. No, what Julia wants from Kai is about a hundred million hits on his site enough hits, she figures, to prove that he’s serious (and patient) enough to deserve her love. “At first I thought I would have to wait a hundred years,” says Kai of his goal of attracting exactly 111,111,111 visitors to www.helftkai.de. “Then I thought fifty, and now maybe thirty years.” Maybe less. Kai’s already got three and a half million hits since launching his site in June. And with your help, who knows Teutonic bliss could be less than 108 million mouse clicks away . . .
Of course, there’s always the chance that this is one massive hoax designed to lure humble newshounds like ourselves into clicking over to a site that just happens to have ad banners. But in the spirit of the season, we’re giving this poor undersexed German Casanova the benefit of the doubt.
Sure Beats the Hell out of Flowers
The ancient pharaohs had it right, man. When they died, they took everything with them, including their animals, their servants everything. So who can blame ol’ Erwin M. if he wants just a touch of the pharaonic treatment in death?
According to Ananova.com, the terminally ill sixty-eight year old from Bonn has asked for and been granted official permission from German officials to have his loved ones thrown upon his casket at his funeral. Specifically, Erwin wants to take with him his massive collection of porn videos he’s apparently got a hell of a party planned for himself on the other side, and he’ll need some of his naked friends on hand. Now, after several weeks of investigation (into what, we’re not sure), the Bonn city council has given its official thumbs-up to Erwin’s request. Let’s just hope he remembers the VCR.
Talk About Blaming the Victim . . .
Rhudyll Isorena has a small penis. How small, we don’t know, but we do know that it’s smaller than those of Isorena’s drinking buddies. And we know that it’s smaller now than it was just last week. And you know what else we know? We know that none of this is the penis’s fault. Not that it matters, really. Because as always, when the man screws up, it’s the penis that suffers the consequences.
To explain: good ol’ Rhudyll was out drinking with the fellas this week in his Philippine hometown of Laguna when, as will happen, the boys got into an argument over penis size. To settle the matter, they (naturally) decided to put their boas on the bar, which turned out to be a fateful choice for Lil’ Rhudyll, who (according to the Philippines Daily Inquirer) didn’t quite match up, as it were. Naturally, Isorena’s buddies mocked him for it after all, what good is a penis-size competition if it’s not followed by naked ridicule? and so Isorena decided to take matters into his own hands. According to the report, when he got home, the twenty-five year old lopped off his little Filippino, leaving behind nothing but an inch or two’s worth of penis stump. “He said he was out of his mind when he did it,” said Dr. Jojo Castillo, a urologist at the Philippine General Hospital (well, duh). “He still has a stump,” said the plain-spoken Dr. Jojo, who says Isorena can still urinate and father children with his penisito. “He can still have sex, although the thing does not look good,” said the doc. Really now, isn’t that just the kind of mockery that got Isorena into this mess in the first place?
Quotes of the Week
“The big money’s in gay porn. I don’t know if I’d be able to do that, though. No self-respecting homosexual would even want me. They’d see my big, hairy, ugly keister on a wide screen and go, ‘We’re not that gay.'”
Unlikely porn star Ron Jeremy as quoted in Michael Musto’s Village Voice column, “La Dolce Musto.”
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