This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
You’ve Got Two, Babe

In the strife-torn former Yugoslavia, people are desperate for a good omen. Some beleaguered Slavs have begun to bestow talismanic powers on almost any anomaly, even severe genetic malformations. In the North Bosnian village of Blazevac, a farmer named Mica Ciric is being inundated with offers to buy his prize swine, which has two penises, six legs and is named (pause here for maximum effect … ) Lucky. (Interesting sidenote: Last March in neighboring Croatia, a goat named Bimbo was born with eight legs, two tails and two penises, and promptly became a local celebrity.) In other freakish porcine developments, earlier this week a Panamanian farmer was killed by his pet pig, which stumbled against a rifle and shot him in the head. The man’s wife and stepson witnessed the incident; after recovering from the shock, they called the pigs.

He Loves Ewe, Yeah Yeah Yeah…

When you’re unwrapping that annual woolly sweater from Grandma, just hope the old dear didn’t buy her yarn in West Virginia — your handmade garment might be used. This week, a Charleston man was arrested for having sex with a sheep used in an undertaker’s live nativity scene. Twenty-nine-year-old Joey Armstrong allegedly broke into a shed that was holding animals to be used in the Christmas tableau; the silent night was shattered as the manger was filled with gold, frankincense and BAAAAAAA! After a brief time on the lamb, Armstrong was charged with trespassing, destruction of property and cruelty to animals. Charleston police sergeant Brent Webster says bestiality charges could follow. Only one question here: what is it with West Virginia’s special relationship with the animal

Get Your Wings

Hooking up on a commercial airliner used to be the sexual equivalent of the Golden Fleece. But statistics released this week show that the Mile High Club isn’t as exclusive as once thought: it has more than a million members in the United States alone. According to a survey conducted by the British online travel agency Opodo, almost ten percent of frequent flyers have bumped uglies on a plane, and more than half hope to do so in the future. Nearly half of passengers have tried to pick up other travelers; three percent actually succeeded in getting a date. The survey also showed that almost ten percent of male passengers have tried to flirt with flight attendants. “We were all really surprised by some of the results,” said a spokeswoman for Opodo. “Not only are people getting more adventurous in the destinations they’re choosing to visit, but also in the places they’re getting intimate.” The news comes just two months after Virgin Atlantic reported all of their diaper-changing tables — located in plane restrooms — had been broken under suspicious circumstances, suggesting that “the places people are getting intimate” haven’t really changed all that much.

Things That Make You Go “Ewww…”

From my own brief and terrible foray into food service, I know how satisfying it is to watch a customer bite into a sandwich that’s effectively a presentation set of bodily secretions. Apparently, a similar prank may have landed a Watertown, New York, branch of Dominos Pizza in some deep-pan shit. Last November, when customers Michael Widrick and Rhonda LaParr bit into their home-delivered pie, several small, wiry hairs got stuck in their teeth. The pair immediately froze the pizza as evidence and are now suing Dominos Pizza in state Supreme Court. They’re asking for $150,000 in damages, citing “emotional harm, anxiety, psychological and mental distress and negligence.” Widrick and LaParr also want DNA testing performed on the pubes to determine if they came from a store employee who had “previous conflicts” with Widrick. “I’ve been making and selling pizzas for eighteen years, and nothing like this has ever happened,” said store owner Richard Pierce. Moral of the story? Never piss off anyone in the catering trade.

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