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December 21, 2001



Tangled Cord



Some things you’re just supposed to know, like when to lean in for the kiss, or how to unfasten a bra. They’re things no one can teach you, least of all your parents, but somehow, you figure ’em out. Okay, here’s another one: When you walk into the hospital carrying your bloody penis in your hand, it’s always a good idea to have a story. Not a necessity, but a good idea all the same.


    

Somehow, that lesson came intuitively to one unlucky Italian man. According to Il Nuovo website, the unnamed sixty-three-year-old from Lugo di Ravenna arrived at a local emergency room this week with his severed penis wrapped in newspaper like a dead fish. When doctors inquired as to what had happened, the man reportedly looked them in the eye and explained, simply, that he’d cut himself shaving…his pubic hair. But as solid an alibi as that must have seemed (and really, who among us hasn’t nicked the fencepost once or twice while clearing the brush?), the story fell apart when police started snooping around the man’s home and found a porno in the VCR and the man’s vacuum cleaner nearby — with traces of blood in it. Yep — seems the oldster figured he could add a little sucking to all that blowing by inserting his, uh, seat-cushion attachment into the vacuum nozzle. Unfortunately, the vacuum’s fan blades got in the way, and though the man kept his penis in the freezer while he waited for the ambulance, doctors say the re-assembled appliance probably won’t work properly again. Still, at least he didn’t cut himself shaving. Now that would have been embarrassing.




Dewey Spins in His Grave



Everyone wants to make their mark, leave a little something behind when they go. Some folks build libraries and slap their names on them, but not everyone can afford that. For the rest of us, the answer is simple: Leave behind something to help stock that library, like books, or maps, or magazines. Or, you know, gay porn.


    

That’s the strategy of one aging Italian feller (and no, it’s not the guy from the last item). According to the Supernova website, a ninety-seven-year-old man from the north Italian town of Rovereto has donated his apparently vast collection of gay porn films to city councillor Donatello Baldo, with explicit instructions to have them kept in the town’s public library after his death. According to the report, the man chose Baldo as the keeper of the films because “he has struggled for the rights of homosexuals.” Given the man’s age, it’s probably not surprising that the collection is being called “very rich” — reportedly, it contains “all the masterpieces of the best gay porn directors.” No word yet on whether library curators will install private viewing booths as well.



Quotes of the Week



“It’s really time for us to grow up and discover our vaginas.”



— Actress Loretta Swit — aka “Hot-Lips” Houlihan from M*A*S*H — on her upcoming role in a West End production of The Vagina Monologues, as quoted in the Guardian.



“I am a supermodel for a super party. I don’t care what you call me but please put in ‘supermodel.'”



— Drag queen (and supermodel) Enza Anderson on her campaign for the leadership of Canada’s right-wing Canadian Alliance party, as quoted by Reuters.



“It was especially impressive to see that he still performed better than a lot of live candidates.”



Monica Mena, spokesperson for Chile’s Humanist Party, ostensibly on the 1,000 votes tallied by parliamentary candidate Raul Veloso, who died during sex before the election, as quoted in Santiago’s Las Ultimas Noticias.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.