Be This Man's Goddess... If You Can

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Mark here is looking for a woman. But not just any old woman. He wants a goddess. So, like any tech-savvy man with too much time on his hands would do, he set up a website to help him reach his goal. At first glance findingmygoddess.com was like any other online personal ad, just with its own URL. Then we got to the TABLE OF CONTENTS.

Table of Contents

1. My Global Vision
2. What Do I Mean by "Goddess"?
3. Extensive Qualifications for the Goddess I Seek
(Note: 100% is NOT required)
3.1. Spirituality
3.2. Body
3.3. Mind
3.4. Social
3.5. Work/Vision
3.6. Sexuality
4. About Me
5. Geography
6. Surrender versus Control
7. Replies

Some highlights:

I am on the brink of a large-scale financial success that many people believe will escalate me, over the next decade, from member of the middle class—to billionaire. [Ed note: Riiiight]

As you read my message, you might conclude that I have an over-inflated ego and that, rather than following "divine guidance," I should instead work on "getting over myself"—and, indeed, given the expansiveness of my message, that would be a very "normal" reaction for you to have. [Ed note: Whew!]

Now, here is what this old, bald man seeks in a woman. And mind you, this is just taken from the "body" section (3.2), spirituality is still most important:

She is extremely attractive. She's HOT. She turns heads wherever she goes.

She is sexy. VERY sexy.

She is beautifully dressed and beautifully groomed.

She has excellent posture.

She has a trim waistline. Alternatively, if her waistline is ALMOST (but not quite) trim, she is willing to trim it down for me and keep it trim for me. No exceptions

Her hair is her own and at least TO HER SHOULDERS. Alternatively, she is willing to grow her hair long for me and keep it long for me. No exceptions.

Her voice is not low or raspy. (Alto is fine; baritone is not.)

She is in excellent health, although she may have some minor health issues she is working on.

She is tobacco free and drug free. She is either alcohol free or nearly so.

She is either a vegetarian, or she would like to be one if she could do so without it adversely impacting her energy or health.

Her home is clean, orderly and uncluttered. However, if she has small children living with her, messes caused by her kids are okay.

This, of course, if you remember, is all in addition to spirituality being the center of her life.

We hope he knows, that with expectations like that he is NEVER GOING TO GET LAID. Good thing he's more into spirituality than physicality, huh?

[Finding My Goddess: Smart, Sexy, Spiritual Goddess Desired for Awesome Relationship with Extraordinary Man]

(Thanks, Meghan!)

Commentarium (6 Comments)

Jun 25 09 - 5:26pm
Cleopatra Bones

unfortunately, I think some women will actually apply for the 'goddess' position. which may be a good thing, because otherwise he might roam free

Jun 25 09 - 5:38pm
Lauren @ LifeStyler

LOL at this part. This guy is too much. What an idiot. "and my Goddess's female role is to surrender in ecstasy."

Jun 25 09 - 6:21pm
JM

Sounds like somebody just discovered LSD, but had too small a dose. Try again, it'll come together.

Jun 25 09 - 11:24pm
Cleopatra Bones

Also, shouldn't he have the money BEFORE he starts making stupid requirements for potential dates?

Jun 26 09 - 12:25am
rx2v2x

Cleopatra got it exactly right. You can't be that much of a dick until after you're a billionaire.

Jun 29 09 - 11:22am
thinkywritey

Anyone who refers to women as "goddesses" in any way automatically goes into the discard pile.