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He Said: Guys Advice To Girls
By Brian FairbanksAugust 10th, 2009, 5:12 pmComments (50)
My answer to the Houston Chronicle piece is a bit different than Emily's. For one thing, I'm almost as clueless as the guy who wrote the original story, A Guy's Guide For Girls. If I could explain why guys are often such insensitive jerks, I would write an advice book and storm the bestseller charts. Alas, I can only help steer you in the right direction, as this author tried to do.
I think if life were like high school, dating would actually be a lot simpler and more straightforward: "You wanna go out?" "Sure." Cut to the lovers holding hands. (It still beats internet hookups, that's for damn sure.)
Recent high school graduate Jordan Jennings, author of the column, was on the right track with his opening salvo ("Keep it simple: Do not make guys more complicated than we really are"), and could have wrapped it up there. Of course, he continues on for four more paragraphs, which we could all quickly pick apart but won't bother to here.
One could sum up my advice for women in a similar way: girls, make sure you fit into his life and gel with his worldview. If you are disrupting it in some way, adding to the stress and freaking him out with too much you time and not enough guy time, he may label you as high maintenance. (Also, don't go into a relationship with a set of "must-have's." If he has one small flaw, like he has a nice body but not rock-hard abs, maybe you should give it a shot anyway.)
In short, make yourself indispensible while not making yourself unbearable. You have it in you, I know it...
UPDATE: Who am I kidding? This is, of course, the only advice a woman ever needs... courtesy of Fark:
1: Feed us [Ed. note: or at least remind us to do it ourselves, please]
2: Sleep with us
3: Let us sleep late
4: Don't interrupt us when we're competing with someone else/watching competition
Commentarium (50 Comments)
I think it's very interesting that your advice to young girls (girls of all ages?) is to make sure that they make themselves to fit into a guy's life. Why shouldn't the guy make himself fit into the girl's life? Even better, how about neither makes themselves fit into the other's 'worldview'? To me, the implication of someone or something being 'indispensible' [sic] is that they perform some service for you. While you're likely to hear, 'My iPhone (feel free to substitute Blackberry, iPod, laptop, lip gloss, bacon with every meal, etc.) is indispensable to me," and you might, I stress might, hear your boss say, 'You're an indispensable employee,' I think most anyone would be slightly weirded out by being called indispensable by their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse.
Same advice I'd give to an employee. http://www.filthyrichmond.com
Lolwomen
I wasn't saying they should CHANGE to fit into a guy's life (and if I did, I mistyped.) I meant that if the relationship isn't working or he doesn't see that you would be good together, it's because she doesn't fit into his life. That's really what it comes down to for a lot of people. "Change" is too strong a word-- but adapt, make small concessions... all couples should do that if there's a disconnect. But, of course, if there are a lot of concessions... the problem is probably the other person.
Monique, I can see a lonely future for you.
Monique: Presumably, one who reads this advice is someone in the market for a partner, and someone in the market for a partner has the burden of responsibility to make themselves appealing to someone whom they target as the object of their desires. The main reason in this case why the advice to a woman to make herself fit into the guys life is not because of any sort of sexism, but simply because a woman who is pursuing a man and yet expects to not even attempt to make allowances for him or consider his interests and lifestyle cannot expect to get very far at impressing him. Similarly, would you give a man who was pursuing YOU a second thought if whenever you were with him he only talked about himself and expected you to bow to his schedule and interests? I would hope that you have enough self-respect to kick him to the curb, and anyone, male or female, should do the same. Thusly, for either sex, if they are the ones in pursuit of a giving relationship, they should expect to, you know, give.
Also, the Fark thread about this post is way, way better than my own tossed-off, original post:
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4566255
Future? She's lonely NOW. LOL!
That's great Monique.
Now put on your big girl panties and make me some dinner.
I agree that women should be accepting of guy's flaws, but to be honest that "rock hard abs" example seems like more a male issue than a female issue. Most men that I've met have a "type" (redheads, asians, big breasts, whatever) that they stick with because they're completely set on that one thing. Doesn't this seem worse to anyone else? I don't know of any women with the same strict limitations on who they date.
And I'm not saying two wrongs make a right, but if rock hard abs are a woman's thing, shouldn't she have the right to be choosy?
Also, wtf with that fitting perfectly into his life thing? The author really does seem like a nice guy, but to me if a woman ever sunk so low as to just be accomodating, it would just be... humiliating. And I know what he's trying to say, don't sweat the small stuff, be forgiving, don't read into everything he does, give him space--in general things most women innately know how to do to avoid being needy and codependent. At least the smarts ones. But I personally would not stay long with a guy who just expected me to only speak when spoken to, call when asked to, never complain, &c.
Sorry if that was kind of a ramble...
Again, that's not what I meant by fitting into his life, but whatever... your other points are interesting. We'll be addressing the flip side of this tomorrow.
Oh, I didn't read the earlier comments. I completely agree that if a guy doesn't see it working out or if you're fighting all the time, there are probably compatibility issues and it's better to either not pursue it or just break up (in most cases).
Keep it simple: Do not make guys more complicated than we really are. Its funny because the posters here are reading things into guy statements.
Ok, there are only three things a woman needs to do to control any man.
1. Feed Us.
2. Keep Us Clean.
3. Stroke Our Ego.
If you do all three, then we will fight wars, climb mountains, swim oceans, jump out of airplanes, anything really for you.
Look mert, I'm not trying to be a bitch but I took his statements at exactly face value and responded to them, so don't accuse me of reading into guys. Just because I said something back doesn't mean I'm over-analyzing what he said.
Monique...the way to a man's heart is through is stomach..trust me! Way back when my husband was a just the neighbor next door..once I started feeding him that was it, couldn't get rid of him after that LOL!
Monique…the way to a man’s heart is by showing us bewbs!
It doesn't say that you have to make yourself fit into his life. It says that you have to make sure you do fit into his life. If you have to change, choose someone else! Read the words as they are written, not the way you want them to read so that you can come on here and bitch. Children...
Some women may be emotionally abusive, but I don't see a lot of emergency battered mens shelters out there.
katt: That's because men in abusive situations don't generally report things. Same with men who are raped. It's one of the darker sides of gender roles for men. It also helps that even today more men than women know how to fight, so some potentially abusive women can't even really get to the physically domineering side of things.
If it were not for sex women would be on one side of the earth and men on the other and a big fence built in between.
@ Mr Nice Guy/Izzy: my old man (a forensic pathologist) used to say, that the way to a man's heart was above the lowest rib at a 45 degree angle up... I think the angle is shallower for the fairer sex
Tony: You sound like you have some mommy issues! :)
You're all engaging in a Sisyphean task.
Matt NJ: You sound like a man scorned. Tell me which horrible evil woman turned you gay?
yeah...i'm almost with seabear.
Seems like another way to say it, though would be, keep it simple and neither mate should fake the relationship.
A fake (lie, misdirection, whatever) is what WILL come back later, and the longer it takes for the surfacing? The harder the divorce/break-up.
As a woman myself, I'm a bit surprised that other women are taking umbrage at the "fit into his world" statement. To me, that's just common sense. A good relationship is based on compatibility. If you expect him to turn his world on end to suit you, you're doomed from the start. Sadly, I do meet a lot of women who expect just this. They meet a guy who loves video games, sports, and other things they're not interested in. And then they expect the guy to dump all of these unshared interests -- the things HE enjoys -- once they're married. That's horrible, a recipe for disaster. Find a guy who shares your interests. That's what I did, and after sixteen years of marriage my husband and I are not only still deeply in love, we're great friends. We spend tons of time together because we have lots of shared interests -- and I think that's the best thing you can do for your relationship.
Wake me up by giving me a BJ before I have even taken a shower. That is all I need in a woman. I can get my own food and ignore her while I am doing something
I'm with you Nelligan. Keep suckin' it baby and I'll keep lovin' ya.
Oh and swallow too. I hate it when I gotta dump it on her chest or glue her eyes shut
Speaking of dumps how about when she is licking your hole back there and you accidentally give her a choco bar right to the mouth.
Hey Nelligan, does your chick like it in the butt? I love to give mine Donkey Punches. She also loves to perform a Cleveland Steamer for me. Mmm, coppery :)
Hells yeah, after a bottle of tequila I can get her to take it in the butt then lick it off. Now that is a woman for you. I personally like to give her the angry gorilla once a month too. Just to kept things interesting.
Advice to women: Don't be over 45. When you are under 35, strangers come up and mack on you. When you are over 35, you are amazingly invisible to strangers, but friends and friends of friends will mack on you. When you pass 45, you become invisible.
GHWaite: Are you kidding women over 45 are great! They are already tenderized from all the pounding their puddies have received over the years.
Yea GHWaite, listen to Nelligan, he's right! It's awesome man. The only thing is something I forget and leave my car keys in there so I have to go in and fish them out with my cave light on. Heeelllooooooo in there!
Yea GHWaite, listen to Nelligan, he's right! It's awesome man. The only thing is something I forget and leave my car keys in there so I have to go in and fish them out with my cave light on. Heeelllooooooo in there!
This is beyond disgusting. If this is the kind of feedback Fairbanks' posts get, please - don't let him keep posting.
Ricky, this is the first case I've ever heard of where a commenter blamed the post's author for the sexist kooks who find the site from somewhere else and make idiotic remarks. Thanks!
"Why shouldn’t the guy make himself fit into the girl’s life?"
Maybe because this is a column devoted to Guys advice to Girls, not Girls advice to Guys. If it had been a column devoted to Girls advice to Guys I'd bet he would have said ""Make sure he fits himself into your life."
Oh come on Ricky, don't be a pretty little tightwad. I'm just saying the truth and everyone wants to play it off as everyone is all goodie-tooshoe. F that! Tell your puta to stick it in her mouth and bend over for some ass play.
Penga mi chupa arriba arriba!
Nelligan, you should just stop reading urban dictionary. You sound like a dumbass hick.
are there moderators on this site? I mean the whole internet is full of porn for dickheads like you. Please get away from my eyeballs.
Wow....it started off well and like anything on the internet it was downhill after that!
Fit in girl or you're expendable -- the same old dumb double standard as the cavemen demanded.
WTF. What rock did you assholes crawl out from under? Disgusting. And you all are probably single too. Fuck all you guys.
They just haven't gotten enough pussy this past decade. This is their way of proving they haven't yet lost all their manliness... but I think they're too far gone at this stage.
Why must we always divide advice into "for girls" and "for guys"? Why can't it just be "for people"? I mean, the best relationship advice can be used by anyone, and anything blatantly gender-biased was either written satirically or authored by an insecure moron. While I might not agree with some of his phrasing, Brian Fairbanks's advice can be used by ANYONE of ANY gender towards improving ANY romantic relationship.
So why do we still bother with “from boys to girls” and “from girls to boys”? I'd like to challenge Brian, Emily, and the Nerve editors to write a piece on non-gender-specified relationship advice.
Here are some thoughts:
Be yourself. However, if there are traits that others value that you lack, think about why you lack them and perhaps adjust. Example: people don't value passive-aggressiveness except ironically. Are you passive-aggressive? Why? Perhaps discard this personality trait. Might someone find you dull? Who cares. Do you find yourself dull? If so, ask yourself why and adjust accordingly. So long as you find what you do interesting you'll be able to find someone who feels the same way. If Meshughah can make a career out of Math Metal, you can find a partner as a computer scientist who loves knitting, baking, thimble collecting, and cycling. (You sound cool person I just made up!) If, however, you find yourself dull and your life uninteresting, adjust accordingly on account of why would you want your own life to be dull? I imagined everyone values kindness, caring, and compassion. And, if not, what's the deal with that? Anyway, I encourage being kind, caring, and compassionate.
Now you say something