okcupidLately, the free online dating site OKCupid has been releasing all kinds of interesting stats about the way we date, and the most recent ones make us all look like a bunch of racist assholes.

The number crunchers at OKCupid based their findings on facts that included these: white men get the most responses, black women respond the most yet receive far fewer replies and white, Asian and Hispanic women seem to prefer white men.

So what does this mean?

We’ve processed the messaging habits of almost a million people and are about to basically prove that, despite what you might’ve heard from the Obama campaign and organic cereal commercials, racism is alive and well.

But is a preference for dating a certain race really racism? While there's probably some underlying discrimination going on, that seems like maaaaybe a little bit of a stretch.

Am I racist because I don't want to date Latino guys? You're probably thinking, "Yes. Yes you are, you racist bitch, Emily Farris." But what if I told you I don't want to date Latino men because before I even hit puberty some would cat call me and make remarks to me on the street? And what if I told you that made me really uncomfortable and no matter how much I try to get over feeling objectified by Latino men I just can't—even though I know that those Latino men weren't representative of all Latino men? Would you still call me a racist bitch?

[OKTrends via The Frisky]

Commentarium (69 Comments)

Oct 07 09 - 3:56pm

Don't hate! Misceginate!

I'm sure they're just trying to crank up their own PR, but that's an idiotic conclusion. It's pretty much human nature that we choose to date and mate with people who are similar to us. Otherwise, we'd all be beige, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Oct 07 09 - 4:06pm

Are you making judgments about a whole group of people based on the actions of a few? Does this govern your actions? How is that not racism? I wouldn't call you a bitch for feeling as you do, but just because you believe you have a reason for your prejudices doesn't mean that you don't have to take responsibility for those prejudices. Furthermore, the fact that you do make the leap ("men from this ethnic group hit on me so now all men from this ethnic group skeeve me out") speaks to how racism works--I am sure you have been unpleasantly objectified by caucasian men at some point in your life (you have walked past a construction site or auto body shop, have you not?), yet you do not feel so objectified by all white guys that you don't date them, do you? I suspect the reason it is easier for you to feel objectified by all latino men is you have far more limited interactions with them then with men of other ethnic groups, so it is easier to conflate the importance of the interactions you have had and to believe ethnic stereotypes which support your impressions. Which we all do, to a greater or lesser degree. Being aware of our prejudices is important, but awareness does not absolve us from the hard work of overcoming them.

Oct 07 09 - 4:13pm

As for the OKCupid conclusions and EB's comments, I suspect that the seeking out of people who are similar to ourselves is what is at play, however, that doesn't only mean race. It can also mean educational background, taste in music, religious beliefs, socio-economic status, sense of humor, et al. It is probable that once you select for all the things you find important, many people would end up with people similar to themselves. Not necessarily racist. As someone who is multi-racial, I see all the similarities of my parents to one another (and how different they are from their respective siblings) in terms of preferences, education, expectations, etc. and barely notice the differences in their skin color or countries of origin.

Oct 07 09 - 4:15pm
Emily Farris

Well, that's the question, does it make me a racist if I don't want to date Latino men? I would never discriminate against a Latino man for a job, or friendship or anything else. I just don't want to date one. I don't know your sexual preference, but let's say you like women: If you don't like women with big breasts (perhaps based on a bad experience you had with big breasts as a child) is it your responsibility to make yourself overcome that prejudice, when it comes to dating? Must you force yourself to like women with big breasts to prove that you are an equal opportunity dater? Or is it okay to just stick with your preference of small breasts?

Oct 07 09 - 4:37pm
LK Chang

This actually confirms my (past) experience with online dating (I'm happily married now). I am racially Chinese, but was raised in a very white neighborhood. I've generally only dated Caucasian women (and married one). So I'm culturally white (educated, upper-middle class), but racially Asian. And, many women that I dated actually said, 1)"I never really imagined I'd ever date an Asian man", and 2)"But, I don't really consider you Asian.".

But, if you're a checkbox on dating site, or your photo shows you as non-white, it looks like a lot of women (who tend to have a lot of choices on these sites) will automatically look elsewhere.

(Also, I’ve not had great experiences with “reverse discrimination” – Caucasian women who were specifically looking for an Asian man because they were trying to re-create some past great experience. Kinda scary/psycho experience.)

I'm not sure if I'm saying people *should* try to keep an open mind, or if I think online dating sites should try to de-emphasize race. Or maybe I’m saying people should just accept that this happens on online dating sites, and it they are looking at a possible mixed-race couple situation, they should avoid online dating sites.

Oct 07 09 - 5:32pm

"Must you force yourself to like women with big breasts to prove that you are an equal opportunity dater? Or is it okay to just stick with your preference of small breasts?" Obviously a person has preferences and it isn't wrong to follow those preferences when it comes to dating. However, you didn't say initially present your aversion to dating Latino guys as a preference (along the lines of "I prefer dating tall guys and Latino men tend to be short" or "I have a thing for green eyes"), you presented it as a feeling you have about all Latino guys based upon your early bad experiences with a few Latino guys. That is the definition of prejudice and while no one is demanding you be an equal opportunity dater, it doesn't serve anyone to claim this as something less than what it is. Also you aren't addressing the larger question which is why it is easy for you to make the leap from some to all with Latino men whereas you don't do that with men from other ethnic groups. Honestly, the sort of objectification you experienced (cat calls and rude remarks) is, unfortunately, something I have experienced from men of all races and I find it hard to believe you haven't. Why are only Latino men judged as a group based upon your prior bad experiences? If you have this underlying belief about Latino guys, can you really say you know for a fact you would never discriminate against a Latino man for a job, friendship or anything else? How comfortable you would feel being friends with a Latino guy if, on some level which you yourself admit is not rational, you are unable to get over feeling objectified by Latino men? If you were interviewing a Latino man for a job, who comfortable would you really be hiring him if you feel that Latino men objectify women? Just because you have a really good reason (in your mind) to feel the way you do doesn't make it less prejudiced. Would you be as sympathetic if someone said something like "I was mugged three times and every single time the mugger was an African American man, so even though I know it is irrational of me, I feel like all African Americans men are thieves--I would never dream of discriminating against an African American person for a job, friendship, or anything else because of this feeling, but I don't want to date one because I'm afraid I'd get robbed"?

Oct 07 09 - 6:09pm

Ditto alimum.
Emily, I also have to say that a guy who would cross out dating a girl strictly because her boobs are not the right size would seem to me to be kind of a psycho. We all have our preferences, but when they're that exclusive, it seems a sign of a psychological issue... as you implied yourself with the bad experience as a child thing. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it reveals an issue that's deeper than it seems, does it not?

Oct 07 09 - 6:31pm
Emily Farris

I guess if you're saying I was a racist pre-pubescent ten-year-old girl then you're right, and maybe I never got over it. I wasn't exactly denying it. Because, like I said in the headline, when it comes to online dating we're all a bunch of racists.

Oct 07 09 - 7:37pm

There's a distinction between racist and racial. Seems the latter is what you meant, though the former makes a more sensational headline.

Oct 07 09 - 7:38pm

I want to co-sign everything alimum said. I'd also add that it might be reductive and unhelpful to just say, "we're all a bunch of racists" where online dating is concerned. Sure, we're all influenced by our prejudices, tastes, circumstances, backgrounds, and cultural programming, etc. and we can afford to be shallow when we're semi-anonymous. Instead of calling it racism (which leads people to deny, deny, deny) it might be more helpful to refer to the OK Cupid report as an unfortunate example of a widespread belief in "white superiority" or white privilege. People of any race can internalize it, and it's impossible to take a good look around you and deny that it affects everyone's lives.... Anyway, I'm not sure if the users of OK Cupid are a great representation of the U.S. population.

Oct 07 09 - 9:00pm

Hell, I like girls with brunette hair--does that makes me a hair racist?

Oct 07 09 - 9:58pm
cheryl c

oh yawn! what a boring group of comments and commenters. Ugh.

Oct 07 09 - 10:22pm

It is not racist to fuck who you want to fuck...idiots.

Oct 08 09 - 12:00am

Emily Farris<<------Have just express the exact feeling I get from latin men, and I am hispanic.

Oct 08 09 - 12:34am

This OK Cupid story that nobody's seen in its entirety appears to be about who has the most options when dating online: white men. I think the interpretation of what that means has been more interesting than the actual result of the survey. I hate all of their quizzes, by the way.

Oct 08 09 - 3:18am

Yeah, the problem I have with the reaction to these findings, which are very interesting, is that the focus is on this faulty interpretation of the results. There is absolutely little to no racism going on here, and the fact that they did their damndest to MAKE this into a hot-button issues is a little annoying. It's so silly that a topic of race can't be discussed without racism being involved. It's like not being able to talk about a sport without mentioning how many cheaters there are.

Oct 08 09 - 9:44am

Hey cheryl, thanks for this enlightening, totally non-boring comment.

Oct 08 09 - 9:46am

Truth, does it mean you've never ever dated a blonde, or redhead, and never would? In that case it just makes you an idiot, really.

Oct 08 09 - 10:44am

"But is a preference for dating a certain race really racism?" No, having a preference for one thing doesn't automatically mean you think the other thing is inferior. Definitely a manipulative conclusion.

Oct 08 09 - 10:52am

To me, "racism" implies some sort of malice aforethought. Sexual preferences have nothing to do with racism but rather with turn-ons. Its a personal thing so to try to analyze anyone's sexual preferences and say they indicate their character is whack. Are chicks with rape fantasies mysogynist?

Oct 08 09 - 11:00am

There has to be some way to use this information. Is there some way I can wrest dates from people of other races by implying that if they don't date me they are racist?

Oct 08 09 - 12:55pm

Emily, I certainly wouldn't call you a bitch, and "racist" is such a loaded word, as folks here have observed, so I would phrase it this way: A scarring childhood experience has led you to stereotype a group, which you understand intellectually is not true, but are having a hard time overcoming the emotional feeling. I think you recognize that if you overcame this problem, you would be a better, happier person. And that's not to say you would have to start dating Latinos; it would just mean that you would deal with them as individuals, as presumably you do with other men.

Oct 08 09 - 1:32pm

I don't think Emily is a racist, though she very well maybe. She had a bad experience with latino men growing up and since then she's never felt comfortable around them. It sounds more like ignorance than racism. And now a days its not about skin color and racial slurs, in which people use to discriminate or demean others, its out of ignorance. I'm pretty sure all latino men don't objectify women and any other stereotype that you think of is definitely not true across the board. You could define it as racism, but I think its a lack of knowledge of others. We let the images and random experiences that we have with other ethnicities define our opinions of an entire races and cultures!
Most importantly who uses OkCupid anyway? If these stats came from Match.com or eHarmony I think there would be some validity to it.

Oct 09 09 - 1:26am

Do you have to become an equal opportunity dater just to appease some duty to "fairness?" No. But the data the OKC folks came up with *was* interesting because it did two things:

1. It confirmed what many people are unwilling to discuss or admit - there is a hierarchy of desirability, or market value, or whatever you want to call it, and it runs right along the lines of the race/power dynamics in our society.

2. It's interesting how hard people will work to explain these things away as anything *but* prejudice, revealing their own prejudices in the process. In the body of that post, the author pointed out that the subjects they used to draw this data were norms across races - in other words, average attractive folks in each group, and compatibility issues were taken into account. Yet several commenters went out of their way to suggest that maybe the reason the black women weren't getting as many responses was because black women are, you know, fatter and more mannish than other women, Asian men are just shorter and more effeminate than other men. *Despite the post explicitly stating they had controlled for features like attractiveness and height and compatibility, commenters were still assuming the stereotypes, and using that to assert that, no, it probably wasn't about prejudice at all. *eyeroll*

Oct 09 09 - 9:32am

Goddamn it, this makes me so angry. Not being attracted to people of any particular race does not make you racist any more than not being attracted to blondes makes you "hairist" or not being attracted to senior citizens makes you "ageist".

Oct 09 09 - 2:41pm

Stop trying to explain this away and deny that race and/or racism can play a part in this issue. Here's the article, which does a good job proving that your race does affect your online dating experience on OK Cupid. http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/10/05/your-race-affects-whether-p...

Oct 11 09 - 11:09pm

I accidentally registered to date on a dog walking site and when I didn't want to walk poodles I realized I was a francophobe.

Oct 12 09 - 12:24am

I for one will fuck anything that moves. I'm doing this for all of us.

Oct 14 09 - 1:07pm

Latino is a race? Hmm can one be white and a Latino? Are there Latinos that are black? And where does my Chinese Cuban grandfather fit in. I know he looks Asian but when I ask him he says he's Cuban. And the rest of my family don't get me started on how many different shades in between Black, White, Asian with the occasional stray Indio gene popping up but I guess our race is Latino because we speak Spanish. Ahh if I could only be so simple to lump in a variety of races and nationalities with all their cultural differences under a simple banner catch all banner.

Oct 16 09 - 6:00pm

Emily, I too agree with what alimum wrote. To those who say that what she was expressing was a "preference", I say that yes, she may well have been...but that "preference" was based upon false assumptions about a wide group of people. You seem to want to minimize it by stating that it doesn't affect your interactions in other realms, but the very fact that you equate "Latino" with a package of behaviors that don't adequately represent us is prejudiced, it is ugly, and you shouldn't shy away from addressing it, if not publicly in this forum or through your dating patterns, then at the very least cognitively by honestly reflecting on your own behavior. Signed, a "Latino".

Oct 16 09 - 11:57pm
outraged mama

Don't worry girls, if you've selected the better careers and have worked hard enough in school, you will eventually reach a point where you can have men (regardless of race) solely based upon your position. Evolution is phasing out the alpha male in all but battle situations. Who wants a battle situation in their home? A nice, guy who wants a happy home will be flattered by loving attention, regardless of your race. Trust me.

Oct 21 09 - 9:19pm

Ok so My experiences were the exact same. I remember being very little and having men make suggestive facial, hand and genital gestures towards me in the grocery stores when my parents were looking the other way. I remember being 8 and having a handful of men try to follow me when I was on my bike. I remember 3 different times being 4 and 5 and being asked to have sex with men. The thing they all had in common was that they were Hispanic, with accents. Every single inappropriate sexual thing that EVER happened to me as a child was by a Hispanic male. I don't know if it is a more permissive culture or what but because of that I was always scared of them and would never have dated one. I know there are zillions of great Latino men out there but I never dated one and am suspectful of them- the day laborer types, around my small daughters. It is what it is. If that's racism, so be it.

Oct 27 09 - 1:51am

Well technically it makes you a bigot... So you mean to tell me that white men have never made inappropriate sexual comments, sexually harassed or mistreated you in any way? Or do you just tend to gloss over those moments because the men look like you and are therefore less foreign and scary to you when they degrade you?

Oct 27 09 - 2:08am

Also, why does the answer have to be that she dates Latino men? That's like saying that having black friends proves someone is not racist. It's just as wrong to do something for show or to prove some point to your self and others. Emily you should engage in some serious self examination and education, then practice leaving your past behind and dealing with people as individuals...
Again, I seriously doubt that Latino men were the only ones to harass you in her lifetime. You really should examine this fear and deal with it. Saying it's because Latino men cat called you seems like a case of overly simplistic pop-psychology to me. There's something deeper and you need to come to terms with that. Cultural stereotypes, negative images and messages in mass culture I'm sure contributed greatly to this...

In the end it's up to you to decide if its worth it. You can certainly live the rest of your life fearing Latino men and refusing to date them, I'm sure you'll get through life just fine like that. But if you feel it's worth it to change... well then confront it with out finding a token Latin lover to make yourself feel and/or look better.

Oct 28 09 - 1:23am

I don't think it's a big secret (or incredibly controversial) that Latino men are much more "forward" than men from other cultures, and I've known plenty of Latinas who will freely acknowledge it. Some embrace the catcalling and other macho behavior, and some hate it -- but all of them would laugh contemptuously at your naivete if you claimed it was "racist" to openly remark upon what, to anyone with a brain, is a patently obvious fact. Catcalling is not a behavior that's evenly distributed amongst different cultures, and like it or not, it's something that Latino men do a hell of a lot more than Norwegians or Japanese or Tswana or, for that matter, Quechua-speaking indigenous South Americans. Besides, it's not "racist" to critique a culture, or to think that people who identify with that culture might not be up your alley. It's not as if Latinos are the most PC people in the world, either; most of the Latino folks I've known, male or female, have been pretty unabashed in their comments about blacks, Jews, et al...

Oct 28 09 - 1:29am

IOW, there's a strong and widespread tendency to openly objectify women in Latino culture. It's up to each of us to enjoy the frank macho energy of it, or get pissed off by the crudeness and rudeness of it. But anyone who denies its existence is a liar, and any culturally Latino man who claims that he's untouched by it is a "lady [who] doth protest too much".

Nov 02 09 - 7:12am

Ok, I get it. Many of you are blind. Sure, its ok for you to have your preferences. But as a smart, attractive black woman, I admit to having MUCH slimmer pickins than my counterparts in friendship and dating. Yeah mostly online. However in person, people won't even look me in the eye. I have to be more personable and polite than the average person for people to let their guard down. In the work place, I have to work 10 times as hard as others to be taken seriously. I'm tired of having to work harder in the same country with the same rights as you all to happiness. Congrats everyone, you're not racist. Pat yourself on the back.

Nov 03 09 - 1:29pm

"What if I told you that made me really uncomfortable and no matter how much I try to get over feeling objectified by Latino men I just can’t—even though I know that those Latino men weren’t representative of all Latino men? Would you still call me a racist bitch?"

Sounds like an episode of "I Did it For Science" to me.

ps SM, wanna do it? I'm married, is that cool? This is the problem with marrying a white lady: now I have to have white sex for like the rest of my life. I miss black people! And Indian chicks, too. Indian chicks are hot. And Latina chicks. Latina chicks are hot. And Asian chicks. But I'm not one of those creepy dudes with an Asian fetish. That always strikes me as icky, doesn't it? Any other preference is fine, but white dudes with Asian fetishes, I dunno, I just can't stop imagining them trying to convince their girlfriends to dress like geishas. I mean, that's not true, I can stop and usually do, but I don't like that thought popping into my head at all.

Nov 04 09 - 5:44pm

Statistically, this data is flawed. Because the population is skewed white (more white people use the site than people of other races) they are more likely to filter their matches based on their true preferences. There is no way to know whether other races would also do this if their race was a majority of the users.

To illustrate, if someone from the Maldives was going to restrict their choices to only other people from the Maldives, they would get so few responses that it would be pointless to sign up. They have to be more open to dating other nations to even use the site.

The data isn't normalized so there's no way to know if the percentages would be inverted if African Americans or other races represented the majority of the users.

That said, due in part to these numbers, whites probably have probably developed a habit of excluding races as a matter of laziness across all kinds of dating scenarios. Combine that with the racial biases inherent in our culture and I'm sure you do have more white people who are very unlikely to date any other races. Does this surprise anyone? More importantly, who would want to date those people anyway?

Nov 17 09 - 9:04am

No, obviously this doesn't make you a racist.
If you meet the perfect Latino man, he's totally in to you, and you find yourself unable to connect with him, because of his race,
you might be a racist.

Nov 21 09 - 9:49pm

You wrote, "Am I racist because I don’t want to date Latino guys?"
No, you're not racist. You like what you like - it's just that simple. Having someone as a friend or being intimate with them are two very different things. What you want in an intimate partner may just be something very specific.

"But what if I told you I don’t want to date Latino men because ... some would cat call me and make remarks to me on the street... made me really uncomfortable and no matter how much I try to get over feeling objectified by Latino men I just can’t—even though I know that those Latino men weren’t representative of all Latino men? Would you still call me a racist bitch?"
I would say that you have some prejudice in you. I would also say that there might be a tiny amount of trauma over that happening to you as a kid. That doesn't make you racist, but I think there might be some prejudice. It's terrible that something like that would happen to a child. It's good that you realize that it wasn't representative of other men who are Latino.

A good exercise would be to get to know someone who you're not sure of ethnicity; like a friend. Hopefully one of them will be Latino. If they can be a friend and you trust them then there is not much to fear, right? Make small steps to a greater goal.

Nov 22 09 - 5:16am

People are attracted to what they are attracted to. I don't think that is a choice, any more than being attracted to members of your own or the opposite sex. Some guys like exotic dark skinned beauties, and others like peaches and cream. And, like it or not, physical attraction is an inescapable part of things.

If you aren't attracted to Latino guys, then don't date Latino guys. Who cares?

Nov 22 09 - 5:23am

Also, who care what others think about you? Be yourself and don't think you have to justify it to anyone. Live for your sake and not for the sake of anyone else.

Nov 22 09 - 6:38am

I agree with DB--your attraction to certain people (and not others) is not something you can control. I grew up in Asia with many Asian friends and relatives; moreover, I'm Eurasian. Yet I am not attracted to Asians--how does that make me racist?

Nov 25 09 - 5:38pm

Glad I closed my OKCupid account. I don't like being called a racist, do you? OKCupid sucks; the people are extra rude. Our culture throws the word "racist" around so carelessly now that the word has lost its impact. I'll tell you who is not racist: black men. They love white girls.

Nov 26 09 - 8:56am

Online dating is a free-fuck-for-all and if dudes are dumb enough to discriminate then they're only hurting themselves. And ladies, if you're "not chosen" then consider yourselves to be lucky.

Nov 30 09 - 8:32pm

OKCupid is seriously gross anyway, I deleted my account ages ago.

Dec 03 09 - 2:07pm

I feel the same way about white men that Emily does about Latino men. If I went into why it could take all day but the seeing the movie "Roots", hearing about the KKK, all of the stories of white men forcing marriage on underaged girls sometimes even their own daughters, the domestic violence and Ted Bundy have a lot to do with it.

Dec 04 09 - 1:55am

DB beat me to an observation. Is a straight guy automatically a homophobic bigot because he won't date another guy? Probably not automatically, even though it's my experience that most breeder guys have some level of homophobia. He might be automatically a bigot if he treats gays worse in the workplace. Is he homophobic if he reacts more harshly to a guy pinching his ass (yes--everyone knows that's "inappropriate"), or even just looking him up and down, than a woman doing the same thing? Interesting question there. Had my ass pinched by straight women, and I liked it, even though I'm gay.

Dec 05 09 - 6:47pm

Maybe it's just me but about all the black girls I've seen posting on dating sites are just not attractive.. My first girlfriend was black and attractive so we dated, I'm kinda dating another black woman that I find very attractive. I'm not racist in anyway, I just never really saw an attractive black woman on these dating sites.. Maybe they just don't come out well on my LCD? Lol.

Dec 05 09 - 6:53pm

Doublepost! Maybe it's not that people aren't finding other attractive, maybe there's just a major abundance of white men as apposed to others?
Perhaps all those findings mean is that there's more white lonely men in the world..

Dec 15 09 - 10:04pm

If I were looking for big booty, I'd look for a black chick. If I were looking for a tight pussy, I'd check out an Asian. If I wanted a slut, I'd find a white one. Pussy is pussy.

Dec 24 09 - 1:18pm

dick is dick though black dick is prettier but hey im black what can i say and ive dated plenty of white guys and they just dont do it for me. they expect me to be this ghetto ass hood bitch which im not. they get to my place and see my guitars and shit and go wtf. in all honesty a lot of the white men ive dated always have that "nigga complex" which just pisses me off. be yourself and thats all that matters. if you look like james hetfield thats cool. and if you look like lil wayne ill still do you i dont discriminate

Dec 30 09 - 9:04pm

I want to be shocked. I teach literature of the African Diaspora at the college level and, without fail, students (white, black, latina/o, asian) work hard to convince me that racism doesn't exist anymore. I would love for you, Emily Farris, to come to my class. It'll be like the early 20th century World's Fair where different colonial powers exhibited savages. You'd be perfect! I could put you in a cage and exhibit you like Hottentot Venus.

Dec 31 09 - 1:15am

I noticed that many men were excluding African Americans from their lists of women they'd date. So that means they think they are too good for Michelle Obama. And Emily, yes, it does make you a racist. Dick Cheney and Timothy McVeigh are/were white, so that means all white men are killers? And you are not just a racist but an idiot, because Latino is not a race. I hope you get fired, you piss me off.

Jan 05 10 - 3:36pm

1-it's completely 100% ok to be racist. however, you can't break any laws, i.e. discriminate in employment.

2-it is natural & normal for people to prefer their own race. When a baby is born [except for temporary nurses] it sees the parents first, & friends relatives second. It automatically prefers people with those facial characteristics, skin color etc. Usually all babies will cry when it sees people [of other races] i.e. who don't fit the physical mold of immediate family/friends.

Jan 05 10 - 3:43pm

when people date outside their race, you will almost always see, black men with women, & white men with asian women. those combinations are about 4 to 1 vs. any other interracial pairing. there are very specific reasons for that. many white men have come to the conclusion that many asian women are more "feminine" than white women. many black men have come to the conclusion that many white women are more "feminine" than black women. In addition, there dozens of videos on youtube where black men state they date white women because they are much easier to cheat on, get away with cheating etc. on than black women.

Jan 05 10 - 11:06pm

We can go back and forth on the semantics of the word "racist", but it's probably more productive to think about the following anytime someone says something that seems to expose a prejudice:
(1) Are people racist, or just actions? This dovetails into the argument that our inner feelings / automatic reactions that stem from memories, impressions, our culture, and other external factors define US rather than our actions. It's basically a free will discussion.
In my humble opinion, if we don't want to waste our breath and if we truly believe in the concept of free will, then it is our actions that we can control. Actions being: not saying unkind things, doing our best to never purposely exclude or deny someone things based solely on their "race". This is all we can do - we're only human, and we can only operate with the best of our intentions.
(2) Why do we "call out" people for being racist? This really doesn't contribute much to the issue. It would take a very, very open-minded and thick-skinned person to overcome both whatever feelings they struggle with AND the onslaught of accusations for being open and honest about feelings that they cannot address with a simple "change of mind". While I disagree strongly with the statement that "All Latinos have been lecherous to me, therefore I cannot date them" mainly because most readers would - not irrationally - conclude that the "have been" encompasses all Latinos the author has encountered (which may be the case - memory is selective and shaped by habit / culture), I don't see anything wrong in saying this. It's an honest reaction.
It's a false analogy to compare gay males' aversion to females (sexual orientation and gender are not generally viewed as simple preferences but a complex mix of genetic and environmental factors) or a preference for large breasts / dislike of small breasts (these traits to occur across ethnicities / "races" and are single traits, as opposed to the complex collection of factors that build up the stereotypes specific to an ethnic group); however it's a lost cause if people point fingers and say "You're a racist".
That being said, no fatties.

Jan 06 10 - 7:50pm
hershey's kiss

I get your point, JujuBBB. There's not much good that comes out of pointing fingers and saying,"You're so racist." I'm trying to refrain from that and instead say something like "what you said/did to me hurt my feelings" and then walk away from it. Everyone has their prejudices. But people have to understand that it might be difficult to have someone call you out on something like that, but I don't see how it can be as hurtful as a lifetime of harassment, rejection, or belittling due to racist stereotypes. Pointing fingers at one person might be like hacking away at the leaf when the problem is at the root. But I think people do it when they feel otherwise powerless and hope that one person might change in some small way as a result of it.

Jan 08 10 - 6:21pm

What makes it racist is your reasons for not dating a person of another race. I.E.
I don't date because they are dirty (or whatever) people (Racist)
I just don't find myself attractive to (NOT racist)

Jan 09 10 - 12:38am

I can't believe some of the comments on here! Just because someone has a preference doesn't make them "racist." That's ridiculous! What makes them racist is if they say openly, I don't like people of "this or that heritage." Everyone, as individuals, has a right to choose who they care to have relations with. Is a black man who only cares to date black women ever considered a racist? I think not. So, why is it that if a white woman vocally addresses she only wants to date white men, the liberal world goes into a frenzy? Same with the conservative world when they see a white woman and a man of non-white tone. Who cares who dates who! My lord people, get a F'n life! Worry about who you're dating not who you think everyone else should!

Jan 09 10 - 8:24am

I've openly stated a preference for dating white, Latino and Asian men when I've posted personal ads in the past. I am not into black men at all sexually and I'm a fat white chick with a substantial booty. And I live in Baltimore which has a lot of black folks calling it home. That said, I do like being friends with black men (and women) and I am related to a few as well (my family is very multicultural like most Americans these days). When I state my preference, my black women friends get it and tell me they're glad I'm one less white chick they have worry about taking their men. But I've had all kinds of attacks directed at me online for simply stating a preference. I never say anything negative about black men, just that I'm looking for something different. On Craigs List, I've been bombarded with black men trying to get me to change my mind or simply calling me a racist bitch. Then my ad gets flagged.

I'm just trying to find love, like anyone else. I don't think who I date/marry will change race relations in the world and that isn't my job, anyway. Who I choose to love is deeply personal and I don't care what anyone thinks about it.

Jan 11 10 - 2:24am

I like white chicks; other races too, but mainly white chicks. If that makes me a racist, then fine, I'm a racist. I'm cool with that.

Jan 11 10 - 1:59pm

katOninetales- "I don’t think who I date/marry will change race relations in the world and that isn’t my job, anyway." AMEN! You're right.

Jan 21 10 - 7:38pm

If it's a fear/revulsion of a certain ethnic group that has nothing to do with sexual attraction which turns a person off from potential mates of a certain ethnicity, then I'd definitely call it prejudice of some sort. However, if you simply don't find people of a certain ethnic persuasion to be sexually attractive to you, or your ethnic sexual preference lies elsewhere, then I think that has more to do with whether or not people of a certain ethnicity are your 'type' or not. Granted, not everyone has a 'type' (some are much less picky than others) but for those of us (myself included) who have a definite 'type' (not just in terms of ethnicity but in terms of physical characteristics, facial types, a certain kind of nose or chin or eyes or whatever) then the criteria for the 'type' you tend to fancy may preclude the possibility of finding people of some ethnic backgrounds to be sexually attractive to you. There's a lot of race-based sexual attraction in this world, and I don't know that it's necessarily 'racist' per se: it could simply be a case of opposites attracting, or a taste of the forbidden, the exotic, the so-called 'jungle fever' or 'yellow fever', etc. I also think you can't really change what your 'type' is, as it was probably something you fixated on way back in your early psychosexual development, possibly on a non-familial caregiver, a teacher, or even some actor/actress on TV. Maybe a combination of all of those things. I certainly have a 'type', and that 'type' happens to be related to my childhood obsession with Doctor Who, and specifically with the actress who played the second incarnation of Romanadvoratrelundar (Lalla Ward, a.k.a. Mrs. Richard Dawkins). Perhaps Mr. Dawkins could shed some light on whether sexual fixations on specific physical traits as bases for sexual attraction is rooted at some bioevolutionary level on what our genes want in terms of a mate. Because if that's the case, then I suspect that it's our DNA to blame for what types of partners we tend to be attracted to, and that's not something we can really help. And if that's racist, then so be it. You can't help who you love. Or lust after. It's what's in the genes/jeans that counts. ;)

Jan 21 10 - 8:02pm

Oh yeah, I might add that I'm Asian (Japanese), yet I don't really find I'm attracted to Asian women. To me, it feels almost incestuous, even if they're not family and not even the same race. Interestingly enough, my sister says the exact same thing, and I've been on Asian web forums where there are other Asians saying the same thing. I'd be curious to know what that's all about. Is it because I'm an immigrant who didn't spend a whole lot of time with people of my own ethnicity? Is it some kind of self-hate, as my best friend (who is white) suggests? Perhaps it's a combination of both, and more. All I know is what I've learned of myself is that I'm extremely picky about who I choose to date because I tend to be very specific about specific qualities I find attractive in women (not just ethnicity). Some might argue that I'm not in any position to be a snob, but whatever: I can't help what I do or don't find attractive in a mate, and if you think about it, I'm basically choosing who will bear my children, and that means there's a necessity for compatibility on a genetic level, to produce the most fit offspring. If that's not a reason to be picky, I don't know what is. Granted, I think men tend to be less picky because we generally can just spread our seed (literally and liberally) everywhere and we'd have a greater chance of our genetic material surviving in some form, whereas it's the women who are forced to do all the work of giving up almost a year of their lives to bear children, not to mention nurturing them and raising them (at least traditionally) after they're born, so of course I wouldn't blame women for being very picky about who they choose to mate with. Even if it's not for the purposes of procreation, I suspect we're hardwired to still seek out mates based on the 'what-if' criteria of if we were to actually produce offspring, and so yeah... I think people have a right to be picky. And I won't be personally offended if a woman doesn't want to date me because she doesn't want children by me. I'm the same way, and I've rejected tons of potential matches on OKCupid precisely because I simply don't fancy those particular women based on their posted photos. It's not a value judgement on my part, and I'm not even necessarily saying they're unattractive or flat-out ugly: only that I don't find them attractive, based on my specific criteria. Other people may think those people are totally hot, and that's fine too. I look at those actresses who are voted 'Sexiest Women Alive' or whatever, and I don't necessarily find them all attractive, even if I can acknowledge that by a more objective standard of beauty they could definitely be described as hot. For every famous celebrity hottie, there's some guy out there who wouldn't date her because he thinks she has 'sharp knees'. ;)

Jan 30 10 - 12:41am

Wow, what a can of worms. with the exceptions of a few empty heads, the general discussion is interesting and compelling. I am a black guy and over the years I have had lovers from all races and many ethnic groups, and i still believe such diversity, but I do tend to prefer a certain kind of Caucasian, Asian and mixed women. You better bet that that preference is because of my colonial education ( I am from the Caribbean, part of the African American experience)which taught that brown is better than black and white is better than all. I am comfortable with my race,I would not want to come back as anything but a jet black man. In every day life I don't discriminate against my or any other race,in fact on a universal survival level i am racial (not the same as racist). What ever the cause(s) or the implications I reserve the human right to choose female lovers from any race or ethnic pool, without the stigma of being racist, even though that preference was indeed conditioned by the anti-black racist education and cultural system of pre and post colonial Caribbean societies.

Feb 19 10 - 8:50am
Dalla Rosa

I'm fine with you having a trauma about latino guys, my girlfriend also had one before she met me. But if you want to tell me that the 1 million people in okcupid have some kind of trauma, like you, with a certain ethnical group and that's why they mainly choose white people....what you're telling me is that white people are better than the other because they don't seem to traumatize anybody! Is that a good conclusion to take?

Feb 19 10 - 3:05pm

Social self-segregation is a human phenomena, not at all particular unto the USA. In schools the world over this behaviour (children of similar ethnic/religious backgrounds gathering together) has been observed consistently. In the UK painfully "pc" administrators gnash their teeth in frustration at the sight of the students leaving their ever-so-carefully-ethnically-balanced classrooms at a run to separate into conspecific groupings during lunch/other unstructured times. Human sexuality is extraordinarily specific in some of its triggers. To assert that it is somehow inherently racist to have a involuntary physical/sexual reaction to a certain physiological appearance is not only false, it is defamatory as well. If a study were released purporting to show rampant "homophobia" because large samples of (presumably heterosexual) men sent dating requests *only* to women and did not respond to requests from other men on the dating site, such a "study" would be rightly scorned. The attractor governor in each persons psyche is as far beyond their control to change as the hiccough reaction to vagus nerve input. There are sufficient real manifestations of origin/race/ethnicity/religion/ based animus in the various societies of the world, ignorant, sensationalist claptrap of this sort does nothing to help address the real issues around equality. Whom another person finds sexually alluring is not my concern. Whom someone is willing to hire, or to sell a home, these are issues in which I take an active interest.