10 Signs You’re Not In A Relationship After All

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The Frisky published a list yesterday of the 15 Signs You’re Not In a Real Relationship, which includes gems like “You haven’t seen him in the light of day” and “He’s on Facebook everyday, but his profile still says he’s in a relationship with someone else.” Uh, those could also mean Signs You’re Not Even Dating Him, You Weirdo.

Let’s take a look at the abridged and revised list (the italics are our revisions to the original text), shall we?

10. You don’t know his last name. Well, that’s obvious, so let’s change that to “if you don’t know his middle name.”

9. “You’ve known each other less than two weeks.” Agreed– unless you’ve seen each other every day for two weeks and, on one of those days, you got married at a drive-through wedding chapel in Vegas.

8. “Your friend asks what color hair your boyfriend has and you say, ‘I’m not sure. He’s wearing a hat in his profile picture.” Or: “I’m not sure. It’s probably not real.'”

7. “You’re both in town for New Year’s Eve, but you aren’t sure if you’re spending it together.” Agreed. Of course, you might not have talked about it yet… since New Year’s is lame anyway.

6. “You ask what he wants for Christmas and he says he’s only exchanging gifts with people he’s closest to this year.” Well, you could actually be in a relationship with douchebags like this — we’ve heard of a few sad instances of this happening.

5. You have no idea where he lives. I once dated a girl for six months who had no idea where I lived — I didn’t want her to know I lived in a shithole room with no kitchen. But that’s just me.

4. “You’ve never spent a single Friday or Saturday night together.” Hmm, but what if he works on Friday and Saturday nights?

Let’s skip to number one, shall we?

1. “His mistresses start filing lawsuits and you find yourself hitting him over the head with a golf club.” Okay, we made that one up.

Yes, the Frisky list is tongue-in-cheek and we’re only kidding when we take it apart, but we’d like to add a serious note: a sure sign someone isn’t considering your relationship a “relationship” is if they introduce you as a “friend” instead of a “girlfriend.” That’s a red flag we learned about the hard way…

See the full list here.