It's sweeping the internet. It's totally revolutionary and brand-spanking new. It's Chatroulette, the website that lets you web- and text-chat, one-on-one, with randomly selected people all across the world, and it is absolutely unlike anything you've ever seen – for about six and a half minutes. That's how long it takes to realize that this is just like any other chat room, only here you can jump more effectively from one stranger to the next. In reality, each and everyone one of the many Chatroulette users fits into these ten types:
1. The Masturbators
Far and away the most memorable visitors to Chatroulette, these guys are just happy to have a new way to expose themselves to the world. No longer will they have to rely on Craigslist "Casual Encounters" or taking to the streets in their trench coats. They're already creepy enough, but when you factor in the number of tween girls using the website, it makes you pine for the days of simple, anonymous chat rooms.
2. The Girls
Actual, living, breathing females are rare enough to deserve a category all to themselves, and in all honesty, I understand. Why would you spend time on a website where you are one-million percent more likely to encounter a guy whacking off or asking to see your tits than to have an actual conversation?
3. The Dorm Room Bro
Often wearing their respective schools' hoodies, these guys will write "ur a faggot" before even saying "Hello." Don't you miss college?
4. The Partially Obscured Person
You have decided to log onto a video chat site, but to only show half your face, or your stomach, in an attempt to…well, I'm not sure. What's the point of using video chat if you're not going to show what you look like? Are you afraid that you'll be surfing happily along until *BAM* there's your mom, your girlfriend, or that professor in college who thought you had so much potential?
5. The Fake Cammers
Hey, that picture of the cat hovering in the air looks totally real! Oh wait, no it doesn't. And look, here's a link to your website. No thanks, I'll stay, with the hope of finding a real, live girl with her top off.
6. The People Wearing Costumes
Yeah, we get it. You're weird. Next.
7. The Suggestives
Similar to The Masturbators, these folks are missing an article of clothing, typically a shirt. Mostly, it's guys with abs showing off to girls who need their fixes until The Jersey Shore returns. In a way, they're worse than The Masturbators, who at least aren't ashamed to show it all.
8. The "Isn't That…" Person
On my first go on 'Roulette, I swore I saw the Jonas Brothers. On my second time, Gabourey Sidibe. No to both, but for just a moment, I thought I had just stumbled into five seconds of internet fame. But keep looking, kids, maybe you'll get lucky.
9. The People with Shitty Webcams
There's nothing worse than trying to talk to someone whose camera is two minutes behind. It's like the movie Kung Pow – the actors' mouths move, but the dialogue doesn't come until later. Same thing here.
10. The Bored
Ultimately, Chatroulette is not much more than a good time waster when you're bored and not in a work environment, full of countless people, all with the same glazed-over look, searching for someone that they know they'll never find. And that's what will keep me coming back.