Elton John: Jesus Christ Was A Gay Man

Wait, come again? First Clay Aiken. Then Ian McKellen. Who's next? Jesus Christ? Sigh. Of course, ALL the good saviors are taken or gay.

In a recent interview with Parade magazine - the full text of which is published today - Elton John expressed his feelings on a number of topics, including religion. Notably, he described Jesus as "a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems."

EJ - I'd like to take this moment to congratulate for speaking your mind and being awesome. I thought your performance with the Gaga-meister at the Grammys was mind-blowing, but now you've outdone yourself. Of course, it's hard to prove whether you're technically correct, since we've yet to find Jesus' high school journal in which he secretly confesses his love for some boy in carpentry class, [too bad his brother didn't find it, post it, and tag all the shepherds, as revenge for that whole being-the-son-of-God thing -Ed.] but it's an admirable twist to the long known story of Jesus "The Straight Man" Christ.

Now it's only a matter of time before the conservatives and religious folks get wind of this and all hell breaks loose (pun intended). Because obviously, it's a sin to look at Jesus as an understanding, thoughtful, and smart homosexual; he's supposed to be unforgiving, scary, and straight. Definitely straight. No flowing locks, no long robe, and definitely no group of man-followers.