Fox News Offers Some Terrible Sex Advice, Unsurprisingly

When your lover says, "Don't stop," have you ever wondered what she actually means? Or pondered if there's a level of subtext beneath the phrase, "I think the kids are asleep by now... I locked the door?" Has your lover actually ever said that? Is it a line from a nineties family sitcom? To deal with your confusion, Fox News has paid an expert to help us out.

Seriously. This Fox News article by sexpert Bellisa Vranich brings the same caliber of investigative probing to sex that Fox brings to alll other aspects of the news. Apparently the Fox audience needed to be informed that "Don't stop!" means keep doing what you're doing. Or that "Let's have a quickie" means let's have no-frills sex, quickly. She even explains a question I know I'm always asked on a first date, in exactly the words I'm usually asked it: "Are you a derriere man or a breast man?" (The correct answer is obviously C. None of the Above).

Sadly, this shatters all my long held illusions that conservatives spouting anti-sex claptrap were secretly having these wild, debaucherous sex lives behind doors. Which, I have to say, I find pretty disappointing.