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Hide Farts From Your Loved Ones: The Better Marriage Blanket

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Last Friday, Scanner Brian brought us new of this fantastic new product, and it’s been on my mind all weekend. Here are some thoughts:

Sometimes I feel like my whole life is one big fart blanket, you know? I’m sorry — I mean "marriage blanket." Sometimes I feel like my whole life is one big "marriage blanket."

Things I don’t like about this product #1: the name. Can I not buy this unless I’m married?
Things I don’t like about this product #2: its pro-marriage agenda. I guess my problem is still with the name. Am I not allowed to fart in bed with a friend unless I have a paper document that says I can, America? (America and The Better Marriage Blanket are the same thing.)
Things I don’t like about this product #3: You mentioned something about chemical warfare in a really flippant way and you made it about a fart blanket.
Things I don’t like about this product #4: You called farts "offending molecules." No one calls farts "offending molecules."