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Hilarious Blind Dating Stories To Make You Never Internet Date Again

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Virginia Vitzthum, author of the preeminent online dating tome, "I Love You, Let’s Meet," is back with a sequel called "My Blind Date Went Blind," which collects some of the worst dating stories we’ve ever heard. Thankfully, the book is extremely funny, so you won’t go full spinster on us after you’ve flipped through its brief contents.

Among the highlights for us:

-a blind date in a very dark bar leads to making out at one girl’s apartment. The girl switches on a light, only to reveal that she has a rotting front tooth. Before he can escape, the guy learns that the mutual friend who set them up has been hospitalized, so the date takes a hiatus as both rush to the emergency room. Once there, the mutual friend takes the hands of his friends and, looking into each of their eyes, says: "I’m just so glad something beautiful came from all of this." The girl winks at the guy and shows her rotting tooth again.

-a guy meets another gay guy through a newspaper personals ad and the two get together at a coffee shop, where gay #2 starts eating his date’s muffin and drinks his coffee, yet doesn’t order anything for himself. They go to a bargain matinee nearby, which remarkably costs only $3 to get in. Unfortunately, it’s gone up to $4 and gay #2 only has $3 to spend on the entire date. To make matters worse, gay #2 keeps a seat between himself and gay #1, then runs off to sneak into another movie when the first one ends. Gay #1 dodged the crazy trifecta on that one.

-the title story, in which a female Columbia student reluctantly agrees to accompany a friend’s male friend out for a meal. About halfway through, the guy has what appears to be an attack of hysterical blindness and begins crashing around the restaurant, looking for the bathroom. Women readers will freak out when they realize this means the girl who got asked had to pay the check.

-a woman gets set up by several mutual friends, only to learn that the man she’s going out with thinks it’s entirely appropriate to eat fistfuls of noodles. No, literally fistfuls… two full hands at a time.

-a guy shows up for his internet date at a girl’s house, only to discover she keeps her ex-boyfriend’s ashes in an urn on her mantelpiece. The guy inexplicably sleeps with her anyway, then wakes up the next day to learn that she was found guilty of manslaughter in the death of her ex-boyfriend.

-and the woman who met a man at a singles event… during which the man’s current wife stood glaring from ten feet away. And that’s one of the ones with a happy ending… although you’ll have to read the book to find out how the hell that happened…

Full disclosure: one of the stories mentioned above happened to Scanner Brian, while another happened to one of Scanner Brian’s many ex-girlfriends. Guess both correctly and you win a prize! (Prize: my undying amusement.)