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The Country’s Biggest Drunks? Single, White, Agnostic, New-Englanders

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What’s your idea of the stereotypical American drunk? Is it some middle-aged red-neck? A hobo on a street corner? How about a writer for Scanner? Razib Khan at Discover Magazine conducted a large scale study on who America’s biggest drinkers are – by demographic, region, even vocabulary. The results: me.

According to the date – single, white, non-believing New Englanders with strong word recall are the heaviest drinkers in the country—and that’s a check, check, check, check and check for yours truly—while black, Bible Belt, super-conservatives with shitty vocabularies are the most sober.

I don’t even know which way is up anymore. And what’s with the painfully evident relationship between drinking and vocab skills? Ugh…This single, white, agnostic New Englander needs a drink. Where’s the god-damn whiskey in this office? Here’s the god-damn data: