Top 10 Songs About Bad Sex

Pin it

SUNfiltered, the Sundance Channel’s pop culture blog that wishes it was as cool as Scanner, just put up a top 10 list that we should’ve thought of ourselves.

It’s called "Top 10 Songs About Bad Sex" — not to be confused with "Top 10 Bad Songs About Sex," although there’s certainly a few duds here. SUNfiltered then asked its readers to help expand it to a top 25 (or even a top 100, which seems virtually impossible), but we couldn’t even think of a #11. Maybe "Raspberry Beret," which is supposedly about Prince losing his virginity in a barn but may not necessarily have been a lament.

Here are their 10 initial choices:

1. “Do You Remember the First Time” by Pulp

"You say you’ve got to go home
‘Cause he’s sitting on his own again this evening
And I know you’re gonna let him bore your pants off again
Oh now it’s half past eight, you’ll be late

"You say you’ve never been sure
Though it makes good sense for you to live together
Still you bought a toy that can reach the places he never goes
And now it’s getting late, he’s so straight."

[My note: We have to disagree with this choice. It’s obvious that the narrator of this Jarvis Cocker-penned tune eventually got it on with this person and that it was super hot… as all sex in all Pulp songs must be. The rest of these notes are from the original author.]

2. “Please Please Me” by the Beatles [Rumor has it this was written for Lennon’s wife Cynthia, who was apparently not very giving in the oral sex department. We’ll never hear the line "Why do you make me blue?" quite the same way again.]

3. “Stutter” by Elastica [Or, as we like to call it, Ballad of the Whiskey Dick.]

4. “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard […we think the sex described in this song sounds both unpleasantly sticky and also totally unsatisfying to the female participant…]

5. “Not Big” by Lily Allen [As she said when she introduced the song in concert, "We’ve always got our fingers, ladies."]

6. “Minnesoter” by Dandy Warhols

7. “Jizz in My Pants” by Saturday Night Live

Lock eyes from across the room
Down my drink, while the rhythms boom
Take your hand and skip the names
No need here for the silly games
Make our way through the smoke and crowd
The club is the sky and I’m on your cloud
Move in close as the lasers fly
Our bodies touch and the angels cry
Leave this place go back to yours
Our lips first touch outside your doors
A whole night what we’ve got in store
Whisper in my ear that you want some more
And I jizz in my pants

This really never happens you can take my word
I won’t apologize, that’s just absurd
Mainly your fault from the way that you dance
And now I jizz in my pants

Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say you’re a slut
Plus it’s your fault, you were rubbing my butt
I’m very sensitive, some would say that’s a plus
Now I’ll go home and change

8. “Not Fair” by Lily Allen 

9. “Walk of Shame” by Shayna Ferm and the Upper Deckers

10. The Bad in Bed Song

Read the full lyrics and analysis here.