"How To Spot a Masturbator" From Christwire

By Chris MathiasMay 14th, 2010, 11:15 amComments (12)

This is one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen - an article from Christwire on the dangers of masturbation. [This is actually a 100% real thing, not a joke -Ed.] So, I admit it, I am a masturbator. Please save me from my wicked ways, in order so that I don't threaten the "overall productivity of our economy" or develop "retarded ejaculation, urethra trauma or penile fracture."

But Christwire, it's so hard these days - so many of us young people are masturbating. I think it's going to be hard to stop jerking off if I'm hanging around with other jerk-offs. Is there a way I can tell if someone is a masturbator? Oh, thank god, there is:

Unfortunately, that guy looks like almost everyone I hang out with. This is going to be hard...Well, I guess no one said the road to salvation was easy. And although I'll be rewarded for my efforts in heaven, it's reassuring to know I'll be rewarded during my time on Earth as well. For example, I'll never look those guys ever again. Thank you Christwire. Go in peace, serve the Lord.

Commentarium (12 Comments)

May 14 10 - 11:30am

rascal

Are you sure this is real? Totally looks like a joke site to me, but that might be because of Poe's Law.

May 14 10 - 11:50am

Joke site. Another article from same site: "Leaked Justin Bieber Diary: Plays With Knives, A Blade Demon named ‘Ylang’"

May 14 10 - 11:55am

Dan

How to spot a masturbator: 1.) Is it a person? 2.) Do they have fully functioning use of their limbs? 3.) Are they currently engaged in sex with another person? If you answered yes, yes, no, they are a masturbator.

Also, definitely not a joke site.

May 14 10 - 12:06pm

fuckyeahmathias

from cracked:
Just The Facts
It is unknown whether or not Christ Wire is a stealth parody or serious.
If the former, it's the most hilarious thing on the Internet (sorry, DOB).
If the latter, then humanity truly is doomed.