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“How To Spot a Masturbator” From Christwire

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This is one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen – an article from Christwire on the dangers of masturbation. [This is actually a 100% real thing, not a joke -Ed.]  So, I admit it, I am a masturbator. Please save me from my wicked ways, in order so that I don’t threaten the "overall productivity of our economy" or develop "retarded ejaculation, urethra trauma or penile fracture." 

But Christwire, it’s so hard these days – so many of us young people are masturbating. I think it’s going to be hard to stop jerking off if I’m hanging around with other jerk-offs. Is there a way I can tell if someone is a masturbator? Oh, thank god, there is:
 
Unfortunately, that guy looks like almost everyone I hang out with. This is going to be hard…Well, I guess no one said the road to salvation was easy. And although I’ll be rewarded for my efforts in heaven, it’s reassuring to know I’ll be rewarded during my time on Earth as well. For example, I’ll never look those guys ever again. Thank you Christwire. Go in peace, serve the Lord.