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Make Your Friends Jealous With The New Body-Contouring Schitbag

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Now you’re mine. So the Schitbag – despite the hilarious name – is not an actual shit bag. Lies, I know. It’s actually a new line of purses. Here’s a snippet from the press release:

“Schitbag” IS THE NEW STATUS PURSE
Hands-Free Designer Belt Bag Fascinates Hollywood

Los Angeles, CA (May 12, 2010) — The Original Schitbag, launching now for the Fall season, moves the concept of a waist or hip purse into the 21st century with a unique, high-fashion design that enhances any outfit. For the first time, a hands-free, shoulder-free belt bag is sophisticated as well as practical, providing the sensuous elegance women have always wanted in a waist bag. Meticulously crafted in rich shades of velvety, optimum-quality suede, the Schitbag contours to the body and hides flaws with its sleek lines.

Hollywood is not fascinated. Hollywood is angry that you’re using its name to sell Schitbags and Hollywood is one five-mile-long stretch of In-N-Out Burgers. Also, I’d do my best to keep the good Schitbag name away from any person in the public eye who might sue for libel if you tried to connect the two. And body-contouring though you may be, Schitbag, at the end of the day you’re just a glorified fanny pack. Which there is nothing wrong with! Sometimes you need easy access to your many monies (and maybe you’re at a Six Flags, too?) and the swinging body purse is not the right answer. But if you’re a fanny pack, own it. What’s with the ornamental strap? It’s either fastened to your waist or it isn’t. The fanny pack says, "I am a self-assured mother of howevs-many kids," but the strap is like, "Wait, am I?  I used to be pretty!" And okay: it’s called a Schitbag and it’s not Swiss in origin. Props on the humor, bag that reminds me of picking up my dog’s poo. Let’s see how a product whose joke is only evident to the person wearing it fares.

Via NY Mag